Liberal Plan to Bow Out of Elections Has GOP in a Quandary

There is talk on the liberal front of actually folding up tables, picking up sticks, throwing in the towel, and calling it quits after witnessing one of the most dishonest displays of our political system at work during the RNC convention.

Martin Schlumley, a key member of the Green Party, and the man who first suggested the liberal movement give up on trying to change the way things are done in Washington, said that his point was not only driven home Wednesday night, but damn near knocked the front door in when Paul Ryan blatantly stood before America and told bold-faced, out-and-out lies about the President, his administration, and his plans for the future.

“My mom told me many things that have stuck with me throughout the years,” said Schlumley at a hastily-arranged meeting at JC’s Co-op and Homegrown Emporium in Tampa, Florida. “The most important thing she said was this ‘when the chips are down, walk away.’ Well,” said Schlumley, “we are finally ready to walk away and let the Republicans have everything.”

Asked if that isn’t a sure way to bring this country down, Schlumley asked, “And your point is?”

Meanwhile, word of the plan to bow out has some members of the GOP wondering how they will carry on if they have no one but themselves to argue with.

“We are terrible at playing devil’s advocate,” said Rudolph ‘Rudy’ Priebus, brother of Reince Priebus and co-chairman of the RNC.

“We absolutely have only one channel and without any feedback, we are doomed.”

Pundits from both camps are trying to figure out what to do next.

Rachel Maddow was as speechless as she was having just witnessed Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair but managed to get in one comment. “Uh, so what exactly will be my role in all this?”

The move had Fox News scrambling to find someone, anyone to fight back.

“Hell, we can’t do this alone, we’ll destroy ourselves,” said Bill O’Reilly. “I can’t go on the attack if the only people I’m attacking are the people I’m supposed to be defending,” then left the room holding his head calling Schlumley’s announcement abominable and begging for a few minutes to lie down and digest the enormity of the situation.

“Hey, it’s not our fault,” said Schlumley. “We put up a good fight but we just aren’t going to keep blowing good money after bad on what? an election that is eventually going to end up just like 2000 where money and dishonesty bought a Presidency? No thank you, sir. We’re done.”

And with that, Schlumley left the room, making sure to turn off the light on his way out to conserve energy.

Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames.

The move, while politically necessary according to sources close to Walker, may totally backfire as more and more Cheeseheads realize their backyard bratwurst grilling will be severely curtailed.

“I have the entire clan coming for Memorial Day,” said Lester “Les” Wlkjkewsowski, a life-long resident of Fox Point, Wisconsin. “We were planning our annual three-day wurst fest when news of the burn ban hit.”

While Wlkjkewsowski says he is not happy with the Governor’s mandate, he understands why it had to be initiated. Wlkjkewsowski says he’ll take it on the chin this once and just boil his wieners in beer and serve them up that way in support of Walker.

Meanwhile, other residents aren’t as eager to let things lie. Harold Jankowckicz is directing his anger toward those whom he suspects burned the signs that led to the burn ban.

“It was that liberal couple, Mel and Molly Miller, who just moved here from the big city,” said  Jankowckicz, referring to Milwaukee.

Sonja  Jankowckicz agrees.

“While I’m sure they are the ones who burned the signs, I see this as a larger problem,” said the ample Polish resident. “I heard through the grapevine that the Millers hate the smell of meat grilling and have made threats to bring down the meat eaters in this town.”

“It was only a matter of time,” said Jankowckicz, “before the vegans invaded our meat-lover’s paradise.”

This, however, may just be the tip of the iceberg. Wlkjkewsowski says he and many of the other conservative residents of Fox Point are poised for a much larger battle to come.

“Word on the street is, the Millers also hate beer and polka music,” said Les, who says he is extremely fearful that the weekly gathering at the local gazebo to enjoy a brewski and listen to the local polka band, Don Wurlitzer and the Schnitzel Dogs, will be turned into what he calls “a blubbering lib fest complete with wine tastings and soulful, indy bands.”

Awesome! Ed Schultz and Stephen Colbert in Political Rally to Set the Record Straight

On rare occasions, I come across a story that rivals mine in intelligence and wit and that has a message that needs to reach my readers. This is such a story. I cannot stress enough the need for all liberals and progressives to step up to the plate. Join in rallies, get the word out, and by all means, make sure you are registered to vote and do so on election day. This is one very, very important election and we cannot let the opportunity pass without giving our voice to the issues that make us who we are as citizens.

When you read the story in the attached link, try and imagine a dual rally combining the talents of MSNBC's Ed Schultz with Stephen Colbert. That would be the stuff great rallies are made of. Do what you can to help this cause along. Join the forums for both The Colbert Report and The Ed Show and help make this a reality. It's in your hands now.

Crawling down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening.

A Progressive Hippie’s Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a large hippie clan living in a remote area of the Appalachian Mountains. They had been living a quiet life out of mainstream America since the early 70’s. They dropped out of society during the Nixon administration fully expecting to re-integrate back in when Nixon left office, but decided their lifestyle was one that could not be abandoned so easily.

Numbering in the tens of thousands, the group kept abreast of current events through a live news feed to the main meeting center; however, none of the individual dwellings were wired for radio or television. It is for this reason that this particular group of people were the purest of liberals. They actually practiced tree hugging, organic farming and homeopathic medicine. They shunned the modern world as we know it, save for one lone member who possessed an Apple iPad, asking that he not be identified.

One day, a hiker by the name of Corkie Simpson, one of Nancy Pelosi’s congressional aides, was hiking with friends on the Appalachian Trail. They came upon a few members of the clan who were out early in the morning harvesting mushrooms. The clan members were not able to escape quickly enough into the forest and were detained by the hikers. A friendly conversation ensued and the clan members agreed to sit down with the hikers over lunch and discuss the dire straits the liberals were in going into the mid-term elections.

The clan leaders felt a sense of urgency in what Simpson told them of how, if the liberals didn’t pull something out of their hats, were sure to lose the elections come November, and in the process, put America back at risk of becoming a true plutocracy. At first, the clan members shied away claiming that from what they’d heard, the liberals had their chance and they blew it, but Simpson was adamant that was just not so. She asked the clan leaders if they’d ever heard Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin speak, and they admitted they did not. The clan only listened to Amy Goodman on National Public Radio. Simpson invited the clan members to sit down in front of their one television and turn on the Fox News Channel, which they did.

As they shared homemade chicory coffee and blueberry buckle in front of the television, the clan members were warned that what they were about to watch may be gruesome but it was for their own good. They all began to watch the Glenn Beck Show together. Some clan members ran from the room unable to keep their lunch down; the message was so horrific. Others got angry, something they’d not done for decades. By the end of the broadcast, there was no doubt that the clan members had only one course of action—re-register to vote and vote democrat all the way.

Little did Sammy Simpson know, but this particular clan had satellite clans all over the United States that had lain dormant since the early 1970’s. Upon departing, Simpson secured the promise of the clan leaders that they would immediately call on their brothers and sisters throughout the land to rise up and vote just this once more to preserve and protect the middle class of America. Corkie then performed what everyone thought to be the height of an unselfish act, she left her cell phone with the leader of the clan so that he could call on all brothers and sisters in states all across the country to come out in numbers on Election Day. The clan asked for nothing in return.

While Pelosi’s very position as House Speaker lay in jeopardy, the reality of what these fine anti-establishmentarians were willing to sacrifice to counter the damage that may ultimately be done by the right fringe wingnuts is the kind of commitment this country has not seen for a long, long time. They only asked in the end that if they were willing to make such a sacrifice to come out of self-imposed exile to help out their fellow liberals, that progressives and liberals on the outside, the ones who are sitting idly by and letting someone else fight their battles for them, rise up alongside and make this truly an election to be proud of.

This fairy tale does not yet have an ending but it does have a moral. Stop your whining, and get out there and vote because if you do not, you have no one to blame but yourselves. And maybe, just maybe, we can amend this story to have a happy ending.

The end.

Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering

Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.

Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”

A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”

Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”

Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”

Senate Democrats Should be Sent to Reform School

In the wake of the systematic butchering of the Senate version of the health care reform bill almost single-handedly by Sen. Joe Lieberman (Dem/Ind/Rep/Lib-CN), it has been suggested that not only Lieberman, but all Democrats should be sent to Reform School to learn the meaning of the word reform.

Let’s review. According to several sources, including the latest census polls, approximately 47 million, or roughly 1 out of 3 Americans, are without health insurance in this country. That isn’t counting the folks who are underinsured. Healthcare reform is not an issue of “should it be accomplished?” It is an issue of “when will it be accomplished?”

The original intent of health care reform called for by President Obama would effectively accomplish three important things:

1. Make healthcare insurance coverage affordable to all;

2. Extend coverage to all regardless of pre-existing conditions and not allow denial of coverage for certain procedures; and

3. Improve the quality of health care for all through investing in updated technology and focusing on preventive care.

Sounds easy enough right? Just give those pesky insurance companies a little incentive to become a little more competitive in their premium pricing by offering a public health option that would allow all those uninsured folks who can’t afford the more expensive private health insurance premiums to buy into a government program, allow folks with existing medical conditions to be able to buy affordable health insurance, and allow coverage for more than just being sick, i.e. coverage for preventive healthcare screenings. Right. And therein squats the toad.

Insurance companies like making their huge profits year after year and sitting on their piles of money. They weren’t about to take this lying down, well at least, if they did take it lying down, they’d want to still be on top. So what did they do? Well, they took some of those profits and they gave them to charities all over the world to show what nice guys they are so that the government would get off their backs. Ha ha, just joking to see if you are still paying attention. Actually, they are using some of those profits to buy themselves some high-priced lobbyists, PR professionals, and attorneys to ensure (not insure) that no one, especially some poor out-of-work slob, will get the opportunity to actually afford the product they are selling, because, God forbid, he might get sick and need to file a claim. And you know what? It’s money well spent because it seems to be working!

With the help of most Democrats, the lobbyists are winning with their lies and their deceit. They are systematically making a mockery of our legislative process. And the bill passed by the House is but a mere memory in the wake of what has become a Senate bill that, if it were to be passed today, would:

1. Hand over millions of premium-paying customers to the very insurance companies originally targeted as being the culprits who put us in this mess in the first place, by making it mandatory for all Americans to carry health insurance coverage, whether they can afford it or not. And no guarantee that the premiums won’t rise and it won’t be business as usual once the bill is passed.

2. Allow coverage for pre-existing conditions; however, allowing the insurance companies to charge much higher premiums for high-risk policy holders, making it difficult for them to afford the policies and once again, forcing them to remain uninsured and come under the ire of the government for not carrying health insurance.

3. Not provide a government option, be it public option or a buy-in to Medicare at an earlier age for those who cannot afford private health insurance, which would, of course, force the insurance companies to become a little more competitive in their pricing.

What a deal huh?

But here’s a word of advice, don’t let it get to you. The more you worry about it, the sicker you’ll get, and as it stands now, since you started worrying about it before you sought help for worrying about it, you will not be able to file a claim for your stress-related illness as it will be deemed a pre-existing condition.

So I say that unless and until we send those Senators to reform school to toughen them up and get them some lessons in what reform really means, we will continue the flawed process of seeing any bill, no matter how impressive it once was, not only whittled down to mere inconsequence, but built back into a stronger pro-insurance company bill by those with the fattest wallets and the biggest mouths.