Pat Robertson Blasts Glenn Beck for Starting Gay Web Network

Well-known Christian Conservative, Pat Robertson is fuming over the fact that one of his favorite ‘pot stirrers’ has moved over to the dark side.

In a radio interview Friday, Robertson blasted Glenn Beck for eschewing his fanatical belief system and starting up a gay black web internet TV network.

“GBTV is everything the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) is not,” said a visibly upset Robertson in explaining his ire with Beck. Choosing a name to brand yourself with is one of the most important parts of being able to sway millions of people to your side,” he added.

Not one to mince words, Robertson told  Beck, “Had you simply put a “C” for Christian somewhere in your web television name, perhaps no one would be confused, but GBTV? Do you know how many homosexuals are going to be viewing your channel to see what Glenn Beck has to offer?”

When Robertson was corrected and told that GBTV does not stand for Gay Black Television, it did little to assuage his concerns. “Well, it’s a sad day when you have to bring the gay blacks into your business at all,” answered Robertson.

Following the exchange on Friday, Glenn Beck reportedly called an emergency meeting with his lawyers to see if he could have the initials “G” and “B” officially trademarked to stand for Glenn Beck exclusively, but there has been no word on the outcome of that meeting.

What was expected to be smooth sailing ahead for Beck is turning out to be a conservative Christian Mormon’s worst nightmare. 

Rush Limbaugh Dropped on His Head at Birth According to Unauthorized Biography

A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely.

“He’s a numbskull, literally,” claims Clark Parsons, a writer known for his work on several unauthorized biographies of various controversial personalities. According to early medical records Parsons has uncovered on Limbaugh’s birth in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Parsons says that Limbaugh was dropped on his head as the doctor was slapping him on his backside.

The medical record on the incident states that there were no outward signs of trauma. This led Parsons to dig further into exactly why Limbaugh is the way he is today. According to a medical doctor that Parsons regularly consults with on these type matters, Limbaugh’s early injury mixed with heavy drug use as an adult has altered Limbaugh’s perception of right and wrong. “It was a combination one-two punch and as a result, Limbaugh’s reasoning is undeniably damaged,” said Parsons.

Upon reading Parson’s explanation for [Limbaugh’s] imbecilic rants, Limbaugh made the following statement on his radio show: “See folks? I have a valid reason for being a big jerk. Hate the condition. Don’t hate me.”

While the book won’t be released until sometime in April, early indications are that once everything is revealed about Limbaugh, even his most ardent fans may have a hard time defending him. If so, many are predicting that this may finally be the end of Limbaugh’s career.

Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering

Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.

Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”

A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”

Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”

Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”

Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.”

In an effort to override the popularity of other doll series that now take on a more urban persona, come equipped with hip-hop clothing and accessories, and which now indicate what Patriate Pride views as a decaying set of morals than when previously introduced, the Pretty Pride doll line features good looking Americans with picture perfect families. Patriate Pride hopes these new dolls will appeal to those seeking the throwback days of the ‘50’s, where mom stayed at home and cared for the family while dad went off to work every day; where everyone went to church on Sunday; and when God and Country were separate but equally respected when we put our hands over our hearts to recite the hallowed Pledge of Allegiance,” as one company spokesperson put it.

Clay and Sally Parsons, originators of the Patriate Pride line of dolls believe that this is an idea whose time has come. “It’s about taking our country back, and we have to teach our children what real homespun values are,” said Clay. “We’ve had enough of that free-wheeling progressive way of doing things and it’s time we pulled the reins in and went back to a time when morality wasn’t just something we talked about, but something we fervently believe in and practice daily. It is never too late to repent,” said Sally.

When asked specifically what it was that the Parsons didn’t like about the present offering of dolls on the market, both let out a laugh at the same time. “How much time do you have?” asked Clay. “There are so many things wrong with the dolls on the market today from having one line of doe-eyed dolls dressing like Saturday night hookers to giving Barbie a boombox and calling her Rappin’, Rockin’ Barbie. Barbie went from the girl next door to having a visibly pregnant friend, Midge.” Said Sally. “We felt it was time to bring Barbie back into the fold by introducing her to some wholesome females again.” When reminded that Midge was actually married and already had kids and was part of the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood, Sally had this to say:

“Sure, there’s the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood series, but again, the manufacturers missed the mark by including other children of mixed racial backgrounds in with the Barbie family package. I’m sure the parents of some of those kids are probably separated or divorced and we just don’t want that to be the case in the Pretty Pride series. That’s when we decided it was time to develop a line of dolls for our friends’ and family’s kids that speak to the good old-fashioned WWJD values we grew up on,” said Sally, totally not understanding the irony in that statement.

Clay confirmed that Michele will be the predominant doll in the Pretty Pride series. “We fashioned the Michele doll after someone who holds family values and Christianity dear to her heart, and we believe she embodies the only true American belief system.” The Michele doll comes dressed in a Chanel suit, pearl necklace, white gloves and carries a Bible. Other dolls in the Michele line include her husband, Marcus, her own five children, and of course 23 foster children.

“Some folks say we chose Michele because of how many dolls we can actually make money off of due to her fostering talents in real life,” said Sally. We didn’t really think about that when first coming up with the Pretty Pride dolls, but now that you mention it, those foster kids really will make us some money hopefully. That is what is so great about this line, it is so life-like.”

Patriate Pride is hoping this initial doll offering will take off and if it does well, they will introduce the other premiere doll of the series fashioned after Sarah Palin. The doll “Sarah” will come dressed in a designer dress with the tag still attached and hip waders, carrying a fishing pole in one hand, and a copy of the Constitution in the other.

Asked if they were considering adding an Alan Keyes doll or a Michael Steele doll to the line, they agreed it wasn’t out of the question to have a few “token” conservative dolls to round out the collection, but didn’t see it happening in the foreseeable future.

Asked if the Parsons felt that their Patriate Pride doll line may upset many progressives, they both agreed that this is something they just felt God called them to do and if it upsets the progressives, then so be it. Do they have any regrets then? Clay answered. “The only thing we regret is that Michele is a working mom. If she would just give up her day job and be a stay-at-home mom like Sarah has done, that would perfectly round out this particular play set.”

“Only in a perfect world,” sighed Sally. “Only in a perfect world.”