Jon Stewart Leaves the Daily Show, Starts JON Channel

The Daily Show is one man poorer this morning with the announcement that Jon Stewart is now rich enough to own himself and is quitting Comedy Central and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey with her development of her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable television network, Stewart has decided to start the JON (Jon's Own Network) cable television network, which should be up and operational by the end of April.

A spokesperson for HBO, owners of Comedy Central, where Jon Stewart has honed his craft as the top parody news show host on cable for the past 15 years, claims this move wasn't really a shock for anyone.

"Jon has been talking about going solo, or should I say, bigger, for about a year or so now," said Sheldon Finkelstein, programming director at Comedy Central and shareholder in the new JON venture.

Although Stewart's net worth, hovering around the $80 million mark, is nowhere near Oprah Winfrey's estimated $2.9 billion net worth, Stewart claims at the rate he was going, he would have had to be 147 years old to do anything on the grand scale of Oprah's network.

That is why he is starting small.

"I'm taking Colbert with me," said Stewart, speaking of course about Stephen Colbert, the other side of the hilarious Coin 'o Comedy, as he sometimes refers to Colbert and himself.

"Do I want Colbert on my team?" asked Jon. "Well, let me put it this way," he answered his own question with the now-famous quote by Mario Puzo, i.e. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

Because Comedy Central owns the rights to Stewart's name outright, and he can't buy his name back with the paltry amount he has in the bank, Stewart plans on changing his name to simply JON.

"It's a gamble," said the multi-talented comedian, writer, actor, and now owner of himself, "but in the long run, it's something I felt compelled to try."

Jon went on to say that he and Colbert had been planning this for quite some time, and with their combined net worth, they think they have a real shot at giving Comedy Central a run for its money.

"In the end," said Stewart, "it's not about making people laugh so much as it is a matter of pride.

"At what point do we ask ourselves, 'really? A black woman is one of the richest Americans on the planet?'"

Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President

The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”

Late Night Hosts Call Moratorium on Jokes about Occupy Wall Street

Last week on the David Letterman show, the silence about Occupy Wall Street was palpable. “It’s not funny, folks,” said Letterman about a subject he says is taboo in his circles. “We aren’t gonna joke around about this, it just wouldn’t be right,” and then launched into the top ten things John Zuccotti is also namesake of. Number one…John Zuccotti, Jr.

Craig Ferguson took the same tact. In fact, at one point in his show on Thursday, he abruptly stopped talking to his sidekick Geoff after the robot skeleton made a snide remark about tents. “We’ll be havin’ none of this, Mr. Smarty Pants,” Ferguson shouted to the robot before having his stage hands take the little guy away. The audience could hear him yelling back “In your pants, in your pants,” as he was being hauled off stage.

In a particularly brazen move, Jimmy Fallon, while agreeing to not talk trash about Occupy Wall Street, actually brought a tent on stage and performed his entire show from the inside of the tent. “While it was a novel approach,” said a protester outside in the cold, “we have to wonder if (a) he even feels our pain, or (2) how he’d survive in the cold out here with us without his cute little pup tent.” Fallon later apologized and claims his people didn’t read the fine print of the proposed moratorium and blamed his writers for the inability to be serious just this one time.

All in all, the moratorium so far has been a success, but trying to reel in Stephen Colbert has been challenging. “Look folks, I’m the best in the business and I didn’t get to be top banana by waxing empathetic and joining some stupid moratorium. Seriously, would you honestly want me to cut back on a story that has more punch lines than a senior citizens’ get together? I don’t think so.”

While those working for Colbert have been doing their best to school him on just how insensitive he can come across by making fun of a movement that is fighting to bring equality to the masses, it doesn’t seem to be changing Colbert’s mind in the least. “I get it,” says Colbert. “But look at it this way, if it weren’t for humor, those folks who are losing their jobs and their houses would really be screwed.”

In fact, while getting ready for a show next week, strains of a popular song from a skit Colbert was developing …“I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a pepper, we’re a pepper, wouldn’t you like to spray some pepper too, be a pepper,” could be heard emanating from Colbert’s dressing room. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but honestly, I’m just trying to do my job here, folks.”

Awesome! Ed Schultz and Stephen Colbert in Political Rally to Set the Record Straight

On rare occasions, I come across a story that rivals mine in intelligence and wit and that has a message that needs to reach my readers. This is such a story. I cannot stress enough the need for all liberals and progressives to step up to the plate. Join in rallies, get the word out, and by all means, make sure you are registered to vote and do so on election day. This is one very, very important election and we cannot let the opportunity pass without giving our voice to the issues that make us who we are as citizens.

When you read the story in the attached link, try and imagine a dual rally combining the talents of MSNBC's Ed Schultz with Stephen Colbert. That would be the stuff great rallies are made of. Do what you can to help this cause along. Join the forums for both The Colbert Report and The Ed Show and help make this a reality. It's in your hands now.

Crawling down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening.