Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie

Filmmaker, Harvey Weinstein announced Wednesday that he is taking on the NRA with a zeal not seen since Michael Moore's documentary, Bowling for Columbine. Weinstein told Howard Stern that his movie won't be a documentary, which will give him license to open both barrels on the NRA.

"No, I'm not going to get all in their face like Michael Moore," said Weinstein.

"I'm gonna do Moore one worse," he said. "I'm gonna sic a woman, i.e. Meryl "Thatcher" Streep on Mr. LaPierre and his gang of gun toters," said a jubilant Weinstein.

Weinstein was mum on exactly how he was going to blast away at the NRA and LaPierre, but he made sure everyone at the press conference knew that he (Weinstein) meant business.

"I don't own a gun, and I see no reason to have guns in this country," said Weinstein.

"It is this very premise that will come across loud and clear in my movie, and I've got just the woman to carry the message across," he said.

Meryl Streep could not be reached for comment, and her personal secretary was given strict orders not to comment on the upcoming project. However, some people are speculating that Weinstein is casting Meryl Streep in the role of President Hillary Clinton, a tough leader who has just the right stuff to destroy the NRA.

Weinstein says he's had enough of LaPierre and the NRA gun lobbyists.

"I'm gonna take them down, buddy, and I won't need firearms to do it," said Weinstein, "just a camera, a very tough woman, and the facts," said Weinstein.

Stern, a gun owner himself, was quick to point out that Weinstein had just as much right to make a movie against guns as he, Stern, had to own one, but, in typical Stern fashion, Weinstein was asked,

"So, Harve, will Meryl have any nude scenes in the movie?"

Two Guns Don’t Make a (Second Amendment) Right

So, the NRA finally came out Friday with an official response to the shooing in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. They basically said we need more citizens armed with guns so that the good guys can take out the bad guys.

As far as I’m concerned, two guns don’t make a right. Imagine arming teachers if you will. As the gunman approaches, he/she has two options…make sure the kids are protected as quickly as possible from harm, or run to his/her desk leaving the kids to fend for themselves, unlock the drawer that holds the gun (all guns should be locked up when kids are around) and get the gun out and shoot the shooter with his/her single-shot handgun.

Meanwhile, the shooter, having emptied the 30 rounds in his semi-automatic rifle, has exchanged the clip with another 30 rounds and is halfway down the hall looking for another classroom to victimize.

I find the whole idea of arming teachers ludicrous. While having an armed guard at every school may cut down on shooting attempts, it won’t stop that one gunman who doesn’t care if he’s shot to death trying to take out as many victims as he can before being stopped.

And the kids? Well, they now have to live in a world where one of the first people they see when they go into school in the morning is an armed guard in full riot gear, holding a semi-automatic rifle (after all, it’s the fire power that makes the difference), not smiling but standing ever vigilant against the next mentally ill person to try and get past him. It’s almost like the movies, only realer.

Bottom line, no guns, no deaths. Two guns don’t make it right. That’s all I have to say about the matter.

When you Picnic this Monday, Don't Forget to Plan Fun Activities for the Kids

When Daddy said we was gonna

go do something fun this Memorial Day,

I was thinking ice cream and ponies

You should see the gun

that fires these suckers off

 Jeb (8) and Buddy (6) were the designated

shooters at this little longneck soiree

Oops, sorry Mom and Dad, didn't mean to
interrupt your militia meeting. Just wanted
another juice box and some blasting caps.

Ed Note:  This is a satire site and as such, I am obligated to write satire.

As much as I detest this particular style of parenting, I must balance the ludicrous with the mundane, and throw in a pinch of sensationalism. I believe I have done so here. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA in Charlotte, NC

Charlotte, NC – It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics.

But wait, that’s not all! The gathering will bring out not only big guns in the sense of cannons and rocket and grenade launchers, but big guns in the sense of big-name conservative speakers like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and others whose names are synonymous with guns--leaders who will do the best job they can to get the crowd riled up and angrier than they’ve ever been about the power they need to reclaim. Guns and taking back power, a kick-ass combination if there ever was one, just ask Chuck Norris, another notable on the guest list. We just hope the walls of the convention center are sturdy enough to contain all that raucous enthusiasm.

If you want to see more guns than you’ve ever seen in your life in one place, just head on down to Charlotte, North Carolina to the biggest gun show on earth. You won’t be disappointed. And the NRA has spared no expense to ensure your safety. The floors of the convention center will be lined end-to-end with “puppy piddle pads” so that no attendees will slip on what is expected to be the worlds’ largest drool pool.

Just don’t bring your own gun because the sign out front reads “no open or concealed carry weapons on Convention Center property.”