Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie

Filmmaker, Harvey Weinstein announced Wednesday that he is taking on the NRA with a zeal not seen since Michael Moore's documentary, Bowling for Columbine. Weinstein told Howard Stern that his movie won't be a documentary, which will give him license to open both barrels on the NRA.

"No, I'm not going to get all in their face like Michael Moore," said Weinstein.

"I'm gonna do Moore one worse," he said. "I'm gonna sic a woman, i.e. Meryl "Thatcher" Streep on Mr. LaPierre and his gang of gun toters," said a jubilant Weinstein.

Weinstein was mum on exactly how he was going to blast away at the NRA and LaPierre, but he made sure everyone at the press conference knew that he (Weinstein) meant business.

"I don't own a gun, and I see no reason to have guns in this country," said Weinstein.

"It is this very premise that will come across loud and clear in my movie, and I've got just the woman to carry the message across," he said.

Meryl Streep could not be reached for comment, and her personal secretary was given strict orders not to comment on the upcoming project. However, some people are speculating that Weinstein is casting Meryl Streep in the role of President Hillary Clinton, a tough leader who has just the right stuff to destroy the NRA.

Weinstein says he's had enough of LaPierre and the NRA gun lobbyists.

"I'm gonna take them down, buddy, and I won't need firearms to do it," said Weinstein, "just a camera, a very tough woman, and the facts," said Weinstein.

Stern, a gun owner himself, was quick to point out that Weinstein had just as much right to make a movie against guns as he, Stern, had to own one, but, in typical Stern fashion, Weinstein was asked,

"So, Harve, will Meryl have any nude scenes in the movie?"

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Shameless Re-Issue of Earlier Post

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

Gun Bubble is Real Claims Financial Wizard

E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia.

Worthington likened the gun bubble to the 2008 housing bubble, and says it is a real thing. He related the story of one gun buyer who was in the market for a revolver.

“Two months ago that gun would have cost him only $300, but because he was uneducated and in a panic,” said Worthington, “the man ended up spending upwards of $1200 for the same gun. Just like the over-priced home, this guy’s gun will eventually end up ‘under water.’”

Worthington finished his lecture with this piece of advice. “If you are just buying them to make a profit, save your dough, cause two things are gonna happen. First of all, you can’t buy it now without taking out a second mortgage out on your already over-priced home, and secondly, think about it folks, there are 300 million guns in America. Don’tcha think the market’s just a bit saturated?”

Worthington’s last comment was met with several boos and hisses, but after he was finished speaking, the crowd was hushed, and a nervous twitter enveloped the large conference center located at the local Roanoke Holiday Inn. Attendees were lovingly stroking their over-priced firearms, as the fear of Worthington’s words began to sink in.

What Worthington was trying to get across is that the time to buy low and sell high has run its course, and after a month or so, that $2,000 Derringer is going to go back to its regular price of $139.95 plus tax, or so he predicts. He claims that when the bottom falls out of the weapons trade, those high-priced, high-powered rifles aren’t gonna be worth the powder to blow them to hell.

In a related news story, a class-action lawsuit has been brought against the largest gun dealer in Little Hope, Arkansas accusing him of price gouging. The lawsuit claims that Hubert “Bertie” Folsom is charging upwards of $1000 for handguns that even on the black market would only fetch maybe $300.

One of Folsom’s regular customers brought the lawsuit after he begged and pleaded Bertie to sell him a couple of guns at the “before-panic” price so that he’d have enough money left over to feed his family. John Dodger claims Folsom just laughed at him and told him to pony up or get outta his store.

Similar lawsuits are expected to be filed all over the country as more and more gun shop owners price their merchandise out of reach for their regular customers. This practice, say the Plaintiffs, is clearly putting many law-abiding citizens at a distinct disadvantage in exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.

Two Guns Don’t Make a (Second Amendment) Right

So, the NRA finally came out Friday with an official response to the shooing in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. They basically said we need more citizens armed with guns so that the good guys can take out the bad guys.

As far as I’m concerned, two guns don’t make a right. Imagine arming teachers if you will. As the gunman approaches, he/she has two options…make sure the kids are protected as quickly as possible from harm, or run to his/her desk leaving the kids to fend for themselves, unlock the drawer that holds the gun (all guns should be locked up when kids are around) and get the gun out and shoot the shooter with his/her single-shot handgun.

Meanwhile, the shooter, having emptied the 30 rounds in his semi-automatic rifle, has exchanged the clip with another 30 rounds and is halfway down the hall looking for another classroom to victimize.

I find the whole idea of arming teachers ludicrous. While having an armed guard at every school may cut down on shooting attempts, it won’t stop that one gunman who doesn’t care if he’s shot to death trying to take out as many victims as he can before being stopped.

And the kids? Well, they now have to live in a world where one of the first people they see when they go into school in the morning is an armed guard in full riot gear, holding a semi-automatic rifle (after all, it’s the fire power that makes the difference), not smiling but standing ever vigilant against the next mentally ill person to try and get past him. It’s almost like the movies, only realer.

Bottom line, no guns, no deaths. Two guns don’t make it right. That’s all I have to say about the matter.