John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”