Rich Hoarder Found in Filthy Home Amid Piles of Money

City workers with the local Health Department in Dallas, Texas, were called to the 1300 Block of Throckmorton Street on a tip from an anonymous caller who suspected her neighbor of being a hoarder.

Upon arriving at the location, the task force found one Thurston R. Minedigger III, sitting amid piles and piles of wet moldy money. The home smelled strongly of human feces and un-rinsed jars of caviar, but the most striking difference between Minedigger's home and that of a normal hoarder is the amount of money stacked throughout the home.

"There were piles and piles of thousand dollar bills stacked from floor to ceiling," said Monica Norwalk, a City worker whose job it is to check out complaints received by the Health Department.

"I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before in my life. And, if you have never smelled that much money in one place, let me tell you, it is not a pleasant smell.

I cannot imagine what it would be like having to work around money all day long," she said.

When workers tried to take Minedigger from his home so that they could clean it up, he became irate.

"You city workers are going to steal from me, aren't you?" he shouted at them.

"I know what you make, and I know that if I left you alone in this apartment for only a few seconds, the place would be picked clean in no time."

The workers tried to convince Mr. Minedigger that they were only there to protect him from himself; however, Mr. Minedigger was convinced that the poor were eventually going to take all his money and he had to protect every single dime.

A television in the corner of the room was tuned to Fox News, and ironically, Fox News Host Stuart Varney was discussing how much more the rich are having to pay in taxes and how it is going to federal aid programs for the poor.

Minedigger's eyes seemed to glaze over when the workers tried to pry the thousands of dollars from his hands in order to restrain him and take him from the home.

"My grandfather, Thurston Minedigger, worked his ass off for this money. Take your hands off me you ruffians," he shouted. "Where is my lawyer?"

A voice from under a pile of money near the dining area answered "Here, sir, I'm right here," as he stuffed piles of money in his pocket and tried to make his way to the front door.

Once Mr. Minedigger was restrained and ready to be escorted from the home, a social worker tried to talk to him about his options.

"We have a camera crew waiting just outside the door, Mr. Minedigger, and it is our obligation to let you know that this scene will be filmed and aired on national television on the A&E Channel next season. You could make anywhere in the neighborhood of $10 to $15 thousand dollars for your story."

Mr. Minedigger seemed to calm down upon hearing this and agreed to allow the crew in to film his segment of the Hoarders television show. The name of the segment is being tentatively called "Dirty, Filthy Money."

Once he was in the custody of the social workers, the A&E Crew moved in to the penthouse to start filming the clean up.

City workers estimate the amount of money found in Minedigger's penthouse ranges anywhere from a couple thousand to a few million, depending on whom you ask once the crews finished cleaning up. 

Minedigger's attorney refused to be interviewed on or off camera.

Uber Rich Get Their Own Dollar Stores

American Wealth Weekly (AWW) has just announced that a chain of stores based on the Dollar Store model will be opening for the uber rich sometime early next year. For decades, discount stores such as The Dollar Tree and Dollar General have offered its customers cheap knock off products for a dollar or more per item, making them very popular with lower and middle-class shoppers, especially in slower economic times.

It is these slower economic times that are causing other companies to look for ways to serve the uber rich. The mantra of the wealthiest citizens of the United States has always been “If you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.” However, with tax increases on the horizon, the rich are expecting a break in prices as well, and that is where these new millionaire discount stores hope to fill a marketing niche.

The $100 Dollar Stores, as the chain will be called, will carry knock offs just like their lower income counterparts. The difference is in the quality of the knock offs. We’re talking Versace-like dresses for $100, Rolex-like watches for $100, even jars of Beluga-like caviar for $100. From discount designer evening gowns to high-priced gourmet foods, millionaires will now have a place to buy deeply discounted luxury items.

“Our stores will offer the finer things in life but they won’t cost nearly as much as they would at famous name retailers,” said David Smythe, co-founder of $100 Dollar Stores.

We asked Smythe how he can possibly offer such fine products at the ridiculously low price of $100 each. He told us he does the same thing as say Big Lots or Family Dollar stores.

“We buy in bulk and we buy flawed seconds,” he said. “For instance, we may ask Tiffany’s to sell us all the pearl jewelry they have in stock that may contain flaws. No self-respecting millionairess would pay $10,000 for a flawed necklace, but if you offer it to her for $100, she’ll snatch it up quicker than you can say exquisite,” he laughed.

Asked if the millionaires he’s targeting won’t feel a bit embarrassed walking into his store, Smythe laughed. “Oh hell no,” he said.  “I anticipate my stores will be very popular with men who want to impress their wives and mistresses with the finer things in life but are too cheap to buy them at their full retail price.”

John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”