Meatloaf Performance at Rally Stops Romney Surge in its Tracks

The fat lady has sung, or in this case, the fat drunken has-been rock star known as Meatloaf has sung, finally crippling one of the crookedest-run Presidential campaigns in Republican history.

The crazy train has left the station

It seemed that Ted Nugent’s remarks earlier this year at an NRA convention where he ranted about not being around if Obama gets a second term would have sunk the candidate, but it didn’t.

Then came Clint Eastwood, who seemed to be the only person who thought it would be amusing to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention. Crazy? Maybe, but not near crazy enough to change people’s minds about voting for Romney, except for Eastwood’s daughter, who has publicly voiced her support for Obama.

But now, this week, Meatloaf has finally brought the celebrity crazy house down by maniacally screaming out his hallelujah version of America the Beautiful at a Romney rally in Definance, Ohio.

“It was a gin-soaked performance by a washed up musician who obviously didn’t realize he would be forever known not as the guy who made an unpopular Monday night dinner a popular diner staple, but the guy who brought down the Romney campaign,” said Anderson Cooper as he began his 360 show on CNN.

After watching the performance on YouTube, a fed up Paul Ryan is said to have called Sarah Palin to tell her she wins, the Vice Presidency is hers…again.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney left the stage with what little dignity he had left and immediately called Donald Trump.

“Listen Don,” he said into the phone, “I don’t care how many more washed up celebrities you bring to the table to shore up the dimwit vote, it ain’t worth the measly million you contributed to my campaign,” then continued, “Well, ok, Don, if you really think Gary Busey can put us back on track. Ann is a huge fan.”

Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President

The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”