Kim Jong Un Hopes to Replace North Korean Meteorologists with Jim Cantore

Jim Cantore Reporting Live From North Korea

Supreme Leader Kim Jong un was hopping mad this week when, for the umpteenth time, his national hydro-meteorological scientists gave an erroneous prediction.

"You said it was going to snow!" the enraged leader shouted to the weather scientists.

"Look at me! Look at me! I am dressed for snow. I had my skis waxed. I was ready for a downhill run, and it is 80 degrees and sunny outside. I cannot go outside in the sun. it will ruin my porcelain skin. Make it snow! Make it snow right now," the leader screamed.

The scientists tried to reason with Kim Jong un, saying while they apologize for the error, they simply could not fix the problem, blaming their errors on poor equipment the state has had for decades.

"We have heard that other countries have something called dumplings radar, and if we had dumplings radar, maybe we could predict the weather better," said one unidentified meteorologist charged with the task of going outside each morning, looking up into the sky, and determining what the weather will be like for the next 24-hour period.

"It was freezing out this morning," he said. "Of course, I assumed it was cold enough to snow."

Jong un told the meteorologist his weather forecasting skills were lacking.

"You know what? You are all fired. I want Jim Cantore. Weather Channel always make me laugh. Jim Cantore always in panic. I like Jim Cantore. Get me Jim Cantore," demanded the stubby little dictator.

All attempts by Un's staff to reach Cantore have so far failed. Asked what he thought of the ridiculous notion that a leader of a closed-off country could just get whatever he wanted, Cantore was understanding.

"He's short. I get that. I'm not the tallest guy either. Of course, I'm much taller than him. He's just having a short-guy hissy fit. We all do. He'll get over it. But no, I'm not interested in living in North Korea anytime soon. Their weather is too boring," said Cantore, who was readying himself to fly into the eye of Hurricane Cristina in the Pacific Ocean in a small, single-engine Piper Cub.

Song Parody - IF I ONLY HAD SOME HEIGHT

Here it is folks, the video you've all been waiting to see, not in technicolor, but as it was meant to be seen...in North Korean Black and White. So get a tub of popcorn, or some k-rations and gather the family around the computer for about a minute of fun (hey, what do you want? It took me a day and a half just to get this short film done).

Oh, and one more thing...watch your back Weird Al - I'm a gunnin' for you.
Click the link below:

Kim Jong-Un's If I Only Had Some Height

(Sung to If I Only Had aBrain)

If I just had me some stature,

my ego wouldn't fracture

I wouldn't be so rude.

I would be a nicer guy and say

Heck I don't hate the USA

I'd be a gnarly dude.

I wouldn't need no help

To reach the upper shelf

I'd get things on my own

And I wouldn't need a ladder

just to empty my bladder

if my legs had only grown.

If I were a bigger guy

I'd be tall enough to maybe touch the sky

I wouldn't have to try to sit up straight

That's if my height was six foot eight.

If I grew in adolescence

or even pre-pubescence,

I'd be so outta sight

I could look  you in the eye

Cause I'd be a taller guy

If I only had some height.

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Too

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too.

Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

"Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim."

And then this, "You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood."

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

"No, no man, my blood, it's like...oh never mind."

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

"What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no...wait yeah, I wanna go golfing.

"You got clubs?"

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

"No, no, man, c'mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing..."

No, Joe, we don't have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans.

Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

"Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh."

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley

Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang "Happy Birthday" to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way.

No one, especially the leader, would speak to Rodman after his 15th shot of Andong soju (a distilled liquor from the city of the same name), and Un ordered Rodman be stripped naked (Un is said to have an affinity for the 50+ Rodman's rock-hard abs) and left alone to wander the streets of Pyongyang.

Un then advised his soldiers that if Rodman found his way to Un's supreme bedroom, they were to leave the two alone so that Rodman could rest. A "do not disturb" sign was hastily scribbled on the back of a Korean take-out box and placed on Un's door. Un's wife was ordered to sleep on the supreme couch that evening.

However, Rodman never made it back to the supreme palace and instead, was found naked and semi-conscious in the alleyway still singing parts of the birthday song, changing it only slightly to indicate he was wishing himself a happy birthday and not the Supreme Leader.

Rodman was finally brought to the only hospital in Pyongyang, where he was ordered to vomit or be killed. Rodman reportedly vomited and is now confirmed to be sober enough to realize he may be in serious trouble with the Supreme Leader if he doesn't come up with a quick basketball analogy to explain his actions over the past few days.

Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek's Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea's basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un's uncle, Jang Song Thaek today.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early this morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual this afternoon.

His closest friends can only speculate that Rodman made public his renewed commitment to travel to North Korea this upcoming Monday following the execution in order to remain on the good side of the quick-tempered Jong Un.

How long Rodman will remain in hiding is anyone's guess.

"He got in over his head on this one," said one friend identified only as "Dunker." Dunker said the last time he talked to Rodman, which was last week for a game of one-on-one, Rodman didn't appear as biggety as normal.

"He was all quiet like, you know, he had something on his mind, and he played a terrible game that day."

Dunker remembers though, there was something else about Rodman.

"Something he said to me kinda curdled my blood. He said he knew something was going down and he'd probably have to leave town for awhile, but he wouldn't say what it was."

And now after the execution, Dunker was asked, "Do you think it was the execution? That Dennis Rodman knew about the execution and was asked to keep quiet until it was carried out?"

"Worse," said Dunker. "He might just be the next one to be executed," Dunker predicted.

Asked why he thought Kim Jong Un would want to execute his best friend in the whole world, Dunker confided.

"Well, imagine you are Dennis, who, after all, has not led a very saintly existence and you just hear that your North Korean friend has executed his favorite childhood uncle for the charge of leading a 'capitalist decadent lifestyle...a dissolute, depraved life, squandered money...,' etc. Need me to go on?"

North Korean Defense Contractor Retrofits Tanks to Accommodate Tiny Leader

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has been absent from the news for going on two weeks and rumors about his absence range from the fact that he got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow back properly, ala Elvis style, to being heartbroken over the fact that he won’t allow Toyota to export their latest models to his country, thereby leaving him to continue driving an inferior 1997 Kia Rio to all major events.

However the truth was finally leaked this weekend when word got out that North Korea’s official defense contractor has been using up Un’s valuable time personally fitting him for his own personal line of defense weapons, from assault rifles, to assault tanks, to James Bond-type personal jet packs.

The issue of Kim Jong-Un’s size came up during Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea. Upon showing off for the former basketball great, it was discovered that Un could not reach the peddles on the tank or see over the steering wheel, resulting in an embarrassing moment when the tank the two compadres were riding in crashed into a squid stand, sending seafood flying into the marketplace.

While Rodman assured his BFF that size never really mattered, the accident left an emotional scar, not to mention the embarrassing walk back to Un’s Kia to drive back to the royal palace for a dinner of shrimp and wieners. No one had the guts to discuss the disastrous one-on-one basketball game between Un and Rodman before the tank incident either. Seems Un is only able to get the ball anywhere near the net by throwing it from between his legs like a 10-year old girl.

Thank God Rodman has been smart enough during the few games they’ve played to keep this tidbit to himself and compliment Un on his unique shooting skills.

With regards to the specially-fitted military weaponry, Reporters say they are looking forward to the unveiling, and Kim’s ability to operate the tank in a safer manner at an upcoming military parade where Rodman is expected to show up in full Korean military dress to honor the quirky, yet scariest little dictator to come along in a very long time.

When asked why he is returning to see the Supreme leader again, Rodman candidly let loose that he and Un had almost a Michael Jackson sleepover moment during his last visit that both thoroughly enjoyed.

“Last time I was there, we got out the camo blankets and draped them over chairs and other furniture in the living room and played Battleship for hours,” said Rodman, adding “I can’t remember when I’ve had such a great time. That little guy has a mind like a trap door. He is pretty darned adept at sinking my battleships.”

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is said to be out shopping for Jeeps on the black market. China may have turned him away, but word has it that there are a couple of ex-pats living in Panama who are willing to sell him their 1950s Jeep Willy for a cool couple thousand. All it needs is a new tranny and it’ll be better than anything he’s seen so far in previous used-car shopping trips to Havana. Rodman is said to be excited as hell for the little North Korean dictator and is even shopping around for a Kim Jong Un bobble head for the dash once the deal’s been settled.

Top Things Kim Jong-Un Said to Wife on Wedding Night

It was a surprise to many to find out that Kim Jong-Un was dating, let alone getting married. While the saying goes, there is someone for everyone, we have to wonder just what kind of woman would marry a scary world leader like Kim Jong-Un. 


While we are wondering, just what kind of sweet nothings do you suppose Un whispered to his bride on their first night alone in the Bridal Chamber of the Royal Palace? 


Here are my thoughts:


That not medal you feel on thigh, baby.


You want to touch my big rocket?


We bang now. I pay later, ok?


Not such a little guy now, am I?


You best cousin in world.


Where babies come from?


Brastoff!


You no tell nobody about my secret stash of M&Ms


I really ruv your camofrage kimono, baby.


Make me feel special or I have you killed, ok?

North Korean Restaurant Chain Closes as Food Aid Cancelled

Kim Jong II to Kim Jong I, Do you read me?

PYONGYANG –A new North Korean restaurant chain delayed the launch of several new locations after the United States announced it would no longer provide food aid to the country.

Dim Sun Korean Restaurants, Ltd. claims that what was looking to be a very profitable enterprise taking advantage of all the free food that was finally flowing into the country via the United States has come to a grinding halt after N. Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un broke his word and went ahead with a rocket launch instead.

The restaurant chain’s American marketing director, Larry Herndon, says he was very disappointed to hear of the Supreme Leader’s decision to disregard the pact he made with President Obama, leaving Obama no alternative but to cancel the aid.

“The fast-food industry around the world has reached such a saturation point that our only alternative was to find a place that had never heard of the fast-food concept and try it there. When food aid started pouring into N. Korea, we instantly knew we’d found our market,” said Herndon.

“Were we worried something like this would happen?” asked a dejected Herndon. “Sure we were. But we followed the President’s lead in believing a new day was dawning in North Korea, and the Junior Jong would be a more honorable man,” replied Herndon. He admitted he couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Guess in this case, the missile doesn’t fall far from the launch pad,” he concluded.

The Clintons--WTF's New Political Tag Team

Washington, DC – In what has been billed a first in heavy weight political maneuvers, the tag team of Hillary and Bill Clinton have succeeded in taking down America’s meanest competitor, Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Hillary’s visit to Southeast Asia two weeks ago was initially seen as unproductive and served only to enrage further an already angry mob of North Koreans who likened her to a mean mother.

Little did the North Koreans know that Hillary was the first punch of a Clinton one-two, to be followed up by her husband, Bill Clinton, in a surprise visit to North Korea this week. Said Hillary, “I was just warming them up. By the time Bill got in there, they didn’t know what hit them. It was a TKO (take Korea out).”

Once Clinton got what he’d come for—the release of two American journalists jailed in North Korea on spying charges—he hopped on a plane flanked by the journalists and with a flash of his cape, was gone.

Although no one at the White House expected such a positive outcome, the Secretary and the Attaché, as Hill and Bill are professionally known, had no doubts. “We’ve been practicing this move since the 1980’s” said Bill. “We like to call it ‘The Ole Switcheroo.’”