Sleep Number Sidewalks for Homeless among Republican Earmark Requests

Currently in the Senate there is somewhat of a catch 22 occurring. While before the recent elections and before the tax deal was struck with President Obama, the Republicans saw nothing wrong with continuing their practice of asking for as many earmarks for their constituents as they could get.

After the elections, however, and their promise to limit earmarks, an interesting thing occurred. The bill that would ultimately extend the Bush administration tax cuts still has a lot of pork attached to it, and some of that pork is indicative of just how far removed some Republican senators are from mainstream American and it’s problems, while still appearing to have some heart.

For instance, Senator Joe Bellowme from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is beside himself with worry about the homeless people who are finding it hard to find shelter in what is quickly becoming one of the coldest winters in a long time. He has asked for $35 million dollars to retrofit the downtown sidewalks with controls which would allow the bums to choose the hardness of the pavement for their comfort. Using the same technology as a Sleep Number Bed, homeless can settle into a little nook on the sidewalk, adjust the convenient dials that will be installed along the sidewalks, and then choose to soften or increase the hardness of their make-shift beds.

“It is the right thing to do,” claims Bellowme. “We don’t have the money right now to fund more beds for the shelters, so we need to find ways to make the outdoors more comfortable for our comrades who don’t have a regular home due to any number of circumstances. We just wish there were more money so that we could also appropriate a bit for some warm blankets and pillows to accompany the sleep number sidewalks.”

While this earmark may, on its face, seem like a ridiculous way to spend millions of dollars, other earmarks are more in line with how most Republicans believe tax dollars should be spent. For instance, the request for $80 million by Sen. Billy Bob Howdy of Wyoming for bull semen storage containers made of titanium (titanium is one of the toughest metals and therefore will keep the semen fresh much longer) is, according to Howdy, a necessary evil. However, when pressed to further explain the request for such a large amount of money, Howdy simply told reporters he didn’t need to explain himself. “This is bull,” he said, “no pun intended” and walked away.

Tax Cuts Will Allow Average Americans to Own Luxury Vehicles

Car makers across the board are reporting hikes in recent sales, with higher-end models doing their fair share of business as well. So it is no surprise that with the news that the Bush tax cuts will most likely be extended, corporate head honchos are placing their orders for luxury new vehicles for themselves and family members.

Lest we think the tax cuts will only benefit Ritchie Rich, however, let’s try and understand how the purchase of new luxury vehicles will benefit the rest of Americans. A lesson in trickle-down is in order.

Since everyone is going to get a tax break come 2011, Joe Average, who is hoping to get his job back at Howdy-Do Burgers, will soon be in the market for a used vehicle. Mr. Rich just happens to finally be able to trade in his 20-year old second car, a Mercedes, (which has only a few minor mechanical problems) for a 2012 model. As luck would have it, both Mr. Rich and Mr. Average are visiting the same Mercedes-Benz dealership on the same day. Mr. Average, of course, not seriously looking and more in a dream-like state, but Mr. Rich there to wheel and deal. At the end of the day, Mr. Rich is in a new model and well, Mr. Average is putt-putting his way home in his dream car.

The trickle-down economics theory doesn’t have to be that complicated. The extension of the tax breaks will get America back on its feet and ultimately, it is the neighborhood car mechanic who is really going to make out in the upcoming economic boom. 

Now where did he put that 2012 Mercedes-Benz catalogue? 

Laughs Harder to Come By with Passing of Actor Leslie Nielsen

Comedic Canadian actor Leslie Nielsen passed away late Sunday afternoon due to complications from pneumonia. He was 84.

This was a man who made comedy acting look effortless. His pratfalls appeared equally effortless. Perhaps they were, as they were most likely performed by stunt doubles. But the point is, Leslie Nielsen made us all laugh with his very own unique sense of humor. Not just the ha ha kind of “oh isn’t that funny?” kind of humor, but the really deep down “Holy crap I think I just peed myself” humor.

In fact, once word reached the world of Nielsen’s passing, it is supposed that there were hundreds of thousands of fans who went directly to YouTube searching for clips of his most famous lines just to self-inflict the pain that comes from laughing too hard for too long. All gluttons for punishment in a very good way, but sadly, in a very sad way because, as it was said before, Nielsen has passed.

At any point, if you are at all a fan of laughing, you will most likely want to pay tribute to one of the funniest actors to have graced the big screen. Surely, he’ll be missed. Just don’t call him Shirley.

War between Barbara Bush and Sarah Palin Heats Up

It is becoming increasingly clear that the established Republicans don’t have much love for Ms. Sarah Palin. And it is also becoming crystal clear that Sarah Palin couldn’t give a rat’s ass if they do or not. In fact, she is going out of her way, it seems, to get them good and riled up.

Just recently, Barbara Bush commented to Larry King that Sarah Palin loves Alaska and then added that she should stay there. Upon hearing this, Palin chose to fight back against what she perceives as ‘blue bloods against the red bloods turning the whole right into a purple haze.’

Not one to back down, Barbara Bush, being interviewed in a follow up by Katie Couric, retaliated with “You can tell that uppity Miss Sarah that she’s nothing but an Alaskan Hussie,” as she showed off that characteristic smug smile the Bush family is so famous for.

The most recent barb (no pun intended) by Palin against the elderly Mrs. Bush came on the Fox News show when Sarah referred to the ex-first lady as a dried up old prune and intimated that there must be some kind of Alzheimer’s event going on in the Bush household for Barbara not to remember that it was her husband’s political machine that threw her (Palin) into the national spotlight in the first place. “They’re all just a bunch of Indian givers,” claims Palin.

From the looks of it, this fight is far from over. While Palin has the youth and stamina to go the distance with Granny Bush, Barb is no slouch. In fact, rumors are flying that Barbara Bush has recently hired a private fitness coach who just happens to write top ten lists for the David Letterman Show. As they say in the Olympics, ‘let the games begin.

Irish in Feverish Hunt for Leprechauns to Save Economy

DUBLIN, Ireland - In the wake of some of the worst economic news to hit Ireland for decades, record numbers of Irish people are laying traps hoping to catch the elusive leprechauns and make them hand over the gold in their possession. Some claim that the stores of gold held captive by the country’s leprechauns is enough to not only bring Ireland out of the financial mess but to make it the richest country in the world.

Bounties have been placed on the heads of leprechauns as countrymen keep their eyes trained on the skies for any sign of a rainbow. Weather forecasters claim the time for rainbows has pretty much gone the way of the winter weather, but that hasn’t stopped most from hoping for one or two more late fall thunderstorms.

Many wonder why the thought of putting out traps and bounties for leprechauns wasn’t a part of the country’s economic plan before things got so dire. Folklorists claim that only the most desperate man will actually try and catch a leprechaun due to the fact that the little fellas are notorious for the mean-spirited jokes they play on anyone who comes close enough to them. But these are unusually rough economic times and desperate times call for desperate measures.

In addition to placing bounties on the heads of leprechauns, many Irish farmers are planning on planting an over-abundance of clover this coming spring in hopes of upping the chances of finding enough four-leaf clovers to turn the luck of the Irish around. “It’s all we got so far, said Brian Lenihan, Irish Finance Minister. “We never thought we’d have to go to the lengths of having money thrown at us by other countries so we never really had a back-up plan. But anything’s better than being beholden to the Germans.”

He continued, “We’re pretty sure the leprechauns, when they see how desperate we are, will bring their pots of gold to us. At least, that’s what any loyal countryman would do, be he 6 ft. tall or the size of a large mushroom.”

Brazil to Place 42-foot Mitre Atop Christ the Redeemer Statue

News of the new Christ the King statue being erected in Swiebodzin, Poland that will be the tallest Christ statue in the world has Brazilians a bit ticked off. Brazil’s Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro has been regarded as one of the two tallest and most spectacular Christ statues in the world until now (Cristo de la Concordia statue in Bolivia is a tad taller). In fact, Christ the Redeemer is listed as one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.

What to do? What to do? Brazil legislators as well as Catholic Church leaders have been meeting and have decided that the only way to save Brazil’s statue from being removed from the Seven Wonders List is to modify the Christ the Redeemer statue to make it taller than the one built in Poland. While a crown of thorns had been considered as the most acceptable form of headwear for the statue, making it 40 feet high would make it seem disproportionately large when compared to the rest of the body.

The solution is to place a 42-foot tall gold-plated Mitre (pope’s hat) atop the statue. Said one church leader “If the Polish people can place a gold crown atop the good Lord’s head, then why not a gold mitre?” In a country that is approximately 75% Catholic, it makes perfect sense.

Just as the statue itself was primarily paid for by donations from churchgoers, the legislators are asking again for help in paying for the golden Mitre which is expected to cost upwards of $R65 million reais (roughly $38 million U.S. dollars and change). Casting of the crown is expected to begin in early December.

Upon hearing of the changes Brazil is making to their statue, town leaders in Swiebodzin are said to already be planning yet other changes to the Christ the King statue by possibly adding a halo above the crown, which would effectively make the statue another 30 feet taller. Said one Polish leader, “All we can say to our Brazilian brethren is ‘bring it on.’ We are prepared to build onto our statue until it reaches all the way to the heavens if necessary to hold onto the ‘tallest Christ statue in the world’ title.”

Tea Party Chooses Rooster as its Animal Symbol

With the Tea Party gaining momentum after the latest mid-term elections, leaders of the up and comers decided it was time to start looking and acting like a bona fide third party by choosing an animal symbol their followers could relate to in the upcoming 2012 elections. The Democrats use the donkey as their symbol. The Republicans use an elephant. And now the Tea Party will be using the rooster.

Last month, the Tea Party sent out a poll to their followers to choose an animal symbol that best represented what they stood for. Among the choices were a bear, a badger, a tiger, and a bulldog. A special box for write-ins was also provided.

This past week, leaders of the party gathered the responses to the poll and were surprised at the overwhelming choice of a write-in animal. A rooster. While the bear ran a good race, supposedly due to Sarah Palin’s ‘mamma grizzly’ rhetoric, and the badger, because of his notable perseverance, ran a close third, the tiger and bulldog didn’t fare as well. Additional comments showed poll participants were smart enough to realize that the tiger isn’t a domestic animal and the bulldog was eliminated altogether because it was the English variety and not a common red-nosed pit bull.

The rooster response was quite a surprise. Some Libertarians weren’t even sure if a rooster was an animal. They claim it is more like a bird. They wondered if a bird was noble enough to represent their party. However, after realizing the symbol of the United States is a bald eagle, they put two and two together and determined that a rooster was just as much a bird as an eagle regardless of whether or not it was an animal and left it at that.

The party leaders aren’t exactly sure why the rooster got so many votes, but several theories emerged. For one, a rooster is considered one of the cockiest animals (or birds depending on whom you ask) alive. And no one can argue that the Tea Party candidates, especially Rand Paul, are considered quite cocky. But the leaders believe it was more than a cockiness trait that got the rooster nominated. They say it was probably due to the popularity of cock fighting, especially in the southern states, to settle scores. Most Libertarians regard a rooster as one of the bravest animals on the planet that will fight for a cause to the death whether they do it willingly or not.

“When you put it in that context,” said Cogburn Leghorn, Tea Party leader from Arkansas, “we couldn’t have picked a better symbol for our party. Not only are we stubborn, but we sure as hell like a good fight.”

Asked if a rooster was nothing more than a male chicken, and most people associate chickens with chicken-like behavior, Leghorn had this to say, “That’s just plum nuts. Now go away, boy, you’re a botherin’ me.”

Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents

The Chinese, long associated with being the yellow race, have found a friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when they get very angry—orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. A real Manchurian Candidate if you will.

Why are the Chinese so enamored with the orange man from Ohio? Clearly it is because he has promised to continue to allow almost every disposable piece of junk that Americans consume in this country to be made by overseas workers, overseas workers who have been so generously endowed with the jobs that Americans claim are being taken away from them.

Not only do the Chinese love and revere Boehner, but so do the American businessmen who are banking on the large tax cuts Boehner has planned for them if they take advantage of outsourcing even more jobs overseas. Nicknamed “Orange Aid,” Boehner plans on making it quite clear that the only way for large American businesses to thrive in today’s economic hard times is to be able to cut corners and the only way to do that is to pay foreign workers pennies on the dollar.

Asked what he tells his constituents who are out of work in his hometown district in southwestern Ohio, Boehner tells it like it is. “Stop your whining. If we made things here, they would cost you an arm and a leg. Be thankful there are countries who provide cheap labor so you can buy a Mr. Coffee for under ten bucks.”

Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate anywhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

And what if she loses? Exactly. That is why she was found recently huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was.

She could be heard screaming throughout the west wing of her palatial home “Where is my money? What have you done with it?” In reality, it all went toward a run for governor of California which is now highly suspect of going to her Democratic opponent, Jerry Brown.

Meg was finally coaxed out of the pantry when asked to give one last campaign speech in which she stated: “I can almost see how I’d wanted to spend a large sum of money to make sure California doesn’t fall into the hands of some aging hippie who’s only object to be Governor is to see to it that Proposition 19 succeeds; but if he actually does become Governor, the first thing I’m gonna do is demand a refund.”

With that, Whitman crawled back into the pantry and dove right into an extra large jar of her favorite caviar.

Sarah Palin Makes Kate Gosselin the Face of Her Feminist Movement

Meet Kate Gosselin, Super Mom. The only thing missing is a strong man supporting her, but that isn’t deterring Sarah Palin from naming her the 2010 Feminist of the Year. It is also not deterring Palin’s strong political allies, Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann from standing behind Gosselin and admiring her courage in the face of overwhelming odds to raise eight kids alone. In fact, they love Gosselin so much, they’ve re-formulated their acronym from BOP (Bachmann, O’Donnell and Palin) to GOP and B (Gossselin, O’Donnell, Palin and Bachmann).

Gosselin is hoping this latest endorsement of her coping skills will net her a prime place at the head of the Republican/Christian single men’s most desirable female list. “I just think it’s time to put myself out there for all the right guys to see what a catch I am,” said Gosselin in accepting the endorsement. “In fact, if I didn’t have eight kids, I, myself, would probably run for a senate seat. Those girls make it look so easy,” she said of Palin, O’Donnell and Bachmann. “Right now, I have one goal only,” said Gosselin with that knowing smile, “and if I told you what it was, I’d probably not be sentator material.”

Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin, upon hearing the news, laughed out loud. “Sure, go ahead guys, have at it. You want a strong woman? You’ll not find one stronger—willed that is,” he said.”Try going out of town on business trips, not taking out the trash, wanting some personal time when every available moment you have is taking care of the eight kids she so lovingly describes as angels, while Kate is out having her tushie waxed, her nails strengthened, and her weave re-woven. Come to think of it, she’d make a perfect senator.”

Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.”

Bachmann was asked who she would ask to take the place of Jesus now that she definitely won’t be dining with the Son of God. “Well, I’ve got a B list. Everyone who is a good hostess has a B list you know. And I’ve got Ann Coulter advising me on this very important choice. I suppose at this late date, all we can hope for is a yes from our fellow non-feminist, Phyllis Schlafly. Really, next to Jesus, she ultimately shaped my life. Without her influence, I might be a (God-forbid) single mother or worse, a divorcee.”

Sesame Street Makes Top Ten List of Dangerous Places

Sesame Street is no longer the wholesome neighborhood street that children and their families flock to to enjoy an afternoon of counting and rhyming and learning some fun educational facts. It is becoming more and more a place where you don’t want to hang out. Some of the popular characters have either totally moved away to look for work in other big cities or have gone on the skids. Loveable Grover has been spotted many a time on the street’s main intersection bumming for change.

“I can’t count the times I’ve seen Bert coming out of a back alley with another male character in tow, reeking of sex,” said the Count. “He always was a smarmy character, but now he turns tricks just to pay for his huffing habit. It’s a disgrace.”

 The adult real-life characters who make up the other half of the cast of Sesame Street have all but given up on many of the muppet characters. Oscar the Grouch now guards his dumpsters from the many “divers” who come to Sesame Street hoping to get some groceries that the local supermarket has thrown away. “He’s packing,” said Big Bird, about Oscar. “There was a time when there was plenty for everyone and Oscar would even share once in awhile, but not anymore. You go diving for that pack of day-old doughnuts and you risk being shot. Just ask the Cookie Monster, who is on permanent disability after Oscar and he fought over a half-eaten package of Oreosm, and the Cookie Monster lost.”

Ernie, the on again, off again companion of Bert, seems to be the only constant in the neighborhood. He has a room up above the Diamond Stud Tavern and pretty much keeps to himself these days. “Oh, you smell the occasional wafting of cheap pot coming from his half-opened window, but he’s basically a shut-in,” said Sesame Street policeman, Mr. Cop. “We let him be. He’s been a good egg these last 30 years. If all he’s doing is smoking a doobie and watching Mr. Rogers re-runs, he’s the least of our worries.”

American Families Forced to Stay in Foreclosed Homes Against Will

Many of the largest banks in America, including the Bank of America, not to be confused with the Other Bank of America, have been forcing most of their customers, who have not been paying on their mortgages for months, to remain living in their homes with no means for escape.

Through a series of paperwork glitches that go back all the way to even before the mortgages on the homes were entered into by the homebuyers, these banks are now coming out with the whole truth, albeit, via subpoena, about how they first hoodwinked people into taking hefty mortgages they couldn’t afford. The banks then changed the terms of the mortgage without proper disclosures, leading to double mortgage payments the homeowners couldn’t afford, and then filing paperwork to force the homeowners out of the homes so the banks could take the properties back, this time via faulty foreclosures.

Now, with no other alternative, banks are forcing the original homeowners to go back into the homes, sometimes even after they’ve been stripped down to the last copper wire, and making them live there until they can figure out just how this paperwork thing works. Said one unnamed bank official, “We deal with lawyers. That’s where we went wrong. We listened to the attorneys who told us it was perfectly legal to sell mortgages on a home where the actual worth of the home was less than the face value of the home. But our lawyers advised us we didn’t need to read the fine print attributed to us. We just trusted those lawyers.”

He went on, “Next, they tell us how simple it is. The people don’t pay, the people shouldn’t be allowed to keep their homes. Ok, on this we agreed wholeheartedly, so we have them draw up papers to evict the people from the homes and start foreclosure proceedings for non-payment of the mortgages. Thing is, those papers were evidently not written very well either, and you know us, why read it when you have this [ahem] competent attorney telling us all is legal.”

The bottom line now is that not only do the major banks have to allow a bunch of non-paying mortgagees back into their homes while they get this paperwork snafu figured out, but in the meantime, they can’t use the empty homes to house their own family and friends, especially in the more tony neighborhoods.

One bank official living in Southern California claims that he and his mistress had been staying weekends at a fabulous $4.3 million Malibu mansion living it up and now the owner has been told to go back in there and start squatting. “It just boggles the mind,” said the banker.

Florida Lemur Mistakenly Placed on Ballot as Libertarian Candidate

Florida election officials in the small town of Myakka City are scratching their heads over the apparent practical joke being played on them that now has them in a quandary as to how to remedy the situation. A lemur known as Mister E. Mann is listed on the local ballot as the Libertarian candidate running for City Commissioner.

Myakka City is home to an actual lemur sanctuary, and Mister E. Mann has been a resident there since his birth. “Someone is having a little fun,” claims local elections official Blenda Parks, “and we’re sure we can get this straightened out before Election Day, but if we can’t, we may have to let the voters decide if they want some of their important decisions made by a lemur.” Parks claims that had the error been caught as it was being made, there’d be no problem, but since no one checked twice, the name got on there and it’s twice as hard removing a candidate’s name as it is to submit it.

“Whoever done it, had no problem coming up with the $2,000 fee to register Mister E. Mann as a Libertarian candidate,” said Parks. “Why anyone would want to do it is beyond me, but if you knew our quirky little group of townsfolk, you’d understand.”

Most people believe the culprit is none other than a guy who goes by the name of “Gator” who is a known practical joker. “First and foremost, he’s always trying to pull something on someone,” said “Otter,” another long-time resident of Myakka City. “He may be a practical joker, but he is dead serious about his politics and being a Republican, he’s gonna pull out all the stops to see that the Libertarian party is stopped before they get any candidates elected.”

When Otter was asked if he thinks Gator’s plan might backfire and end up allowing a Democrat to sit on the City Commission, Otter said “oh hell no, there ain’t but one Democrat in this entire city and believe me, even he knows better than to vote straight ticket.”

Man Blames Divorce on Faulty Ear Plugs--Sues Manufacturer

Terrence Templeton was a happily married man for 53 years to his high school sweetheart, Gladys. The two were inseparable and couldn’t remember ever really having any major fights in all that time. But Templeton, now 76, is divorced and says it is all the fault of the Acme Ear Plug Company.

Terrence, or “Tip” says that he’s been buying the same ear plugs going on 40 years and never had a minute’s trouble with their effectiveness. “Gladys is a talker, plain and simple,” says Tip. “From the time she’d wake up in the morning, till she laid her pretty little head on the pillow and whispered ‘night Tip’ she talked. Never really said much, just talked. And she drove me up a friggin’ wall with all that talking,” he said.

The ear plugs made Tip’s flawed wife, flawless. Gladys doted on Tip and Tip on Gladys. Everyone said they were that one couple who would never, ever get divorced. Ever. But then something happened that would change all that. The Acme Ear Plug Company made a change in how they made their ear plugs. They discontinued the type that Tip had been buying for the past 40 years, which they called “The Silencer.” Ironically, not only did Acme change the shape of the plug, but they also re-named it “the Quietude.”  

“They are just not the same product,” Tip told a jury at the civil trial he brought for damages against the Acme Ear Plug Company. “The design change of the ear plugs I’d been buying for 40 years resulted in a faulty product, causing me to lose sleep, become nervous, and eventually lash out at my precious Gladys one night in a fit of rage. Although I didn’t hit her, we both knew that one more word out of that woman and she would have been talking out the next side of Tuesday. We agreed at that point, we were going to have to get a divorce,” testified Tip through quivering lips.

Acme’s attorney would not comment on the case other than to say that the design changes have been made and the old ear plugs are no longer being manufactured. Gladys, meanwhile, has moved on and found love with Harvey Weinstein, who just happened to know a good thing when he saw it and went out and bought a Miracle Ear with volume control.

Entire Blocs of People Heading for Hills to Avoid Biometric Technologies

Technological advances in how people are doing their business these days have prompted one of the largest exoduses in America. Entire close-knit groups, mainly large families banding together, are pooling their resources and heading for the rugged wilderness found in Idaho, Montana, and even California.

One such group calls itself the “New Garden of Eden” after the Bible of course, but more importantly after a quilt design, “Garden of Eden.” The leader of the group, Harmon Eekins of Providence, Rhode Island claims he got the idea from reading a book. “I don’t remember the name of the book, but it was about a family of families that got together, bought a big spread of land way up in the mountains and proceeded to learn how to live off the land instead of conforming to the rapid technological advances of the day.”

Asked if the book Eekins may have been referring to could have been a history of the Amish, he claimed “hell no not the Amish. They’ve been around forever. Besides, they live in the hills, not the mountains.”

The technology that was the final straw for the people in Eekins group was biometric technology. They believe that humans are being tracked through eye prints, fingerprints and more, and that it is just a matter of time before the dreaded chip implant becomes mandatory.

“We can’t stop progress and we sure as hell aren’t going to let Big Brother have a swipe at us, so we’re leaving,” said Eekins. Eekins’ group is not the only one either. Montana has seen a rash of settlements way into the hills. Land is being bought up in record numbers and at a low price of less than $600 an acre in some places, these “outlanders” as they now wish to be called feel that now is the time to strike while the iron is hot.

Eekins’ said they aren’t “Little House on the Prairie” but close. “Think of us as those people you read about in books and see on television. The ones where, when everyone else was too busy Googling, Twittering, and Facebooking, we were planning our future ahead and we plan on being around a long, long time after technology finally breaks for good.”

Eekins says if anyone is interested in finding out more about their group and about other like groups, they can check out his website at www.gardenofedenitis.com.

Seattle Opens First Self-Help Health Clinics in US

SEATTLE, Washington – A group of enterprising doctors today were granted a license by the State Board of Medical Examiners in Washington State to open the first of what they hope to be many self-help walk-in clinics in America.

Based on the concept of “been there, done that” but in a more professional sense, the doctors came up with a plan that they say will revolutionize the way people are treated for minor mishaps.  The doctors claim that most people nowadays know their way around the internet pretty well. There are hundreds if not thousands of “check your symptoms” sites for them to go online and follow a series of questions to determine what may be ailing them. The doctors also claim that people are much more savvy when it comes to self-diagnosing and treating themselves with over-the-counter and existing prescribed medications, and that those same people would benefit from coming into a clinic and getting a confirmation or denial of their course of action.

“That is where we come in,” claims Dr. Stanley Morgenstern, the brainchild who came up with this most unique approach to treating those who cannot afford quality medical care but who need the ‘clinic’ experience to get well.

“I was seeing more and more patients who would ask me about this treatment or that treatment that they had read up on the internet and in more than one instance I noticed that what they were spouting to me had some truth in it.” Morgenstern said he then had several conversations with some colleagues over a multiple golf games and that’s when it hit him. “Hey, these people can follow directions. We’ll help them out and not charge them a fortune just to see a guy in a white coat do what they can do for themselves,” said Morgenstern, and that is how “Self-Check Clinics” was born.

The concept is going to be quite simple. People do not need an appointment to go into the clinic and register to ‘consult’ with a computer doctor. Once seated before a computer screen, they will be prompted automatically to fill in their name and a brief medical history and state any existing conditions they have as well as medical problems they are having at present. They will also be prompted to report any and all drugs they are taking, whether prescription, over-the-counter, or illegal. They will also be able to slip their arm into a blood pressure cup and have their blood pressure as well as temperature and heart rate readings taken automatically.

The screen will then come on asking them what their major complaint is. Dr. Morgenstern claims that these clinics will only take patients who have minor complaints, such as grinding headache, insomnia, flu other non life-threatening medical issues. Several times throughout the screen process the computer will prompt the patient to go on with the PROCEED prompt. If the computer gets to a point at any time where it senses the patient may have a much more serious problem, it will show a STOP prompt and will advise the patient to immediately see a doctor.

Some of the PROCEED prompts will look like this:

PROCEED: TO DRUG COUNTER

PROCEED: TO PICK UP YOUR DIAGNOSIS

PROCEED: TO CHECK OUT AND PAY

Some opponents of the new clinics are making their voices heard loud and clear that this is a horrible idea which will lead to misdiagnosis causing more serious medical conditions in the people who use these clinics. Dr. Morgenstern disagrees. “People have options all the time in life,” said Morgenstern. “I’ll give you a for instance. Most people suffering mild chest pains will first think they are having a heart attack. This is normal to think this way as that is location of the heart. However, nine times out of ten, it is just heart burn. Sure, they could just go over to the drug store and pick up something to ease the discomfort, but with all those products on the shelf, which one do they choose? Tablets? Time-release capsules? Liquids? It can get pretty confusing. Our clinics will help them sort out their needs from Mylanta to Pepcid. That is just one of the many things we can do for them. They will walk out of a clinic better informed of their condition and feel proud that they took part in a positive health plan for a change.”

Morgenstern continued, “Would they like to have the money to see a real doctor? Sure, maybe, but until they do, they get charged a little less for almost basically the same treatment. It’s a win-win hands down.”

Al-Qaeda and Taliban Efforts to Boost Domestic Travel in America Succeed

American Tourism Officials finally have something to cheer about. Americans are staying home and spending their hard-earned paychecks on domestic travel. Disney World, New York City, even Lester’s Museum O’ Rare Lobster Tails in Bangor, Maine is seeing a sharp increase in spending by families who are cancelling trips to the French Riviera and instead seeking some good old-fashioned entertainment right here at home.

“We never thought we’d say that Osama Bin Ladin is a hero, but we are starting to think he just might be,” said Ed Olberschultz, MSNBC’s travel analyst.  “This is the shot in the arm that places like New Orleans really needs. I mean, think about it, they want France, where better to get it than in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Ayeee,” he said in the best Cajun he could muster. Want authentic pizza from Italy? Visit New York City, where you can also now catch a ride on an authentic double-decker bus, just like in jolly old England.

Olberschultz says if you were planning on really doing Europe big and now find that you just can’t bring yourself to putting yourself and your family in harm’s way, take them to Epcot Center. Not only will you be able to take a trip to some of the most prominent countries in Western Europe, including Norway, France, Italy and the United Kingdom, you’ll get the added bonus of visiting the middle and far east, as well as the countries directly north and south of your own border, all in one tidy little terrorist-free place.

Never has there ever been a better time to see America. This may just be the shot in the arm this country needs.

Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012. See Video for proof.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head.

Everything from school buildings becoming obsolete because kids can just go to school from their bedrooms, to scientists botching some of the most important scientific studies of our time because they got sidetracked by Twitter, have found their way into the report.

“Human interaction, as we know it,” said Dr. Heinz Friedendehead, “will no longer be the norm, and in some cases is already becoming quite abnormal as people begin to find ways to hide behind computer screens in order to communicate with family, friends, loved ones, bosses, doctors, lawyers and the occasional stranger.”

Dr. Friedendehead claims that the very complex issues that are facing us as a people such as global warming, famine, disease, super bugs, etc. were once getting the attention they deserved maybe twenty years ago, but in today’s social networking arena are taking a back seat and suffering from botched data caused by a lack of attention on the part of the research scientists studying the issues.

“Global warming, for instance,” he said. “Global warming was poised to be taken care of just after the turn of the century, but instead the social networking site ‘MySpace’ appeared on computer screens. From there, it morphed into ‘Facebook’ and now all anyone can say about global warming is that it is on everyone’s mind—right. Just after how many times Lindsay Lohan has been jailed and what color panties Katie Perry is wearing today, or whose dog pooped on whose neighbor’s lawn.”

Dr. Friedendehead has this warning for us. “Wake up people. You can only see so many ‘puking pumpkin’  and ‘monkey ninja’ images before realizing that we have a major problem the world over. Aunt Sarah’s bout with arthritis is important, sure, but so is saving our planet. Get off the computer, go to work on something important, and send Aunt Sarah a ‘Get Well Soon’ card through the mail.”

  

Gun and Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA - Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job--scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off this damned trigger.”

Michael Moore Secretly on Tap to Advise New Chief of Staff

While it is true that Peter Rouse has taken over for Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, there are rumors floating about the White House that it is Michael Moore and not Rouse who is now running the show for our President.

Moore has been tapped to be a top advisor to Rouse in the short time running up to the elections. If all goes well, Moore will take an even more active role in advising the advisor for the remainder of Obama’s term as President.

While no official press reports are expected on this major strategic move, there have been plenty of eyewitness sightings of Moore, Rouse and Obama meeting daily at the Waffle Shop on E Street in Washington discussing political strategy over burgers, fries and salads. Moore jokingly said his first order of business is getting the President to eat salads instead of his usual burger and fries but it seems to be an uphill battle. Moore claims he’s had private talks with Michelle and she jokingly confided that she has no worries about her husband raiding the Presidential Garden. Moore promised to help Michelle out as well when he isn’t telling Rouse what to say and do.

Moore was overheard by patrons explaining to Rouse that the biggest hurdle to the job of getting the Democrats re-elected to office senate seats is that there aren’t enough crazies in the bunch to make anyone stand out. “What we need, Pete, is a political base that isn’t afraid to talk tough right back to those tea party nut jobs. Quit taking their crap and tell them if they can’t tell the truth, they can’t represent Duluth, or something like that. You know, something catchy.”

It’s reported that Rouse really isn’t much of a Michael Moore fan and is taking this news rather hard. In fact, he’s losing a bit of weight as he just sits at the daily meal picking at his food and grimacing instead of bringing anything constructive to the table, like the metaphorical hot sauce on chicken wings so to speak.

Meanwhile, Moore has written Rouse’s first official statement for him which includes the words liberal and wussies in several places and which promises that there’ll be no more shellacking of the Democrats once Moore gets done with them. We are going to scrub those babies clean and give them a whole new veneer, one that is tough as nails but doesn’t need any shellack. “It will be all shine, but no shellack,” said Moore, using yet another of the metaphorical statements that seems to have gotten Moore this most prized position in the administration.

His camera crews, however, were told to turn off their cameras and put the next movie project on hold until after Moore’s tenure in the White House is on more stable ground.

Candidate with the Biggest Mouth or Most Bizarre Message Wins

In the run up to the this year’s mid-term elections we’ve seen some of the most bizarre behavior and comments coming out of the candidates, especially those who claim to be ordinary Americans wanting to take America back. Come time to vote, unfortunately, those people stand to win and win big.

It’s not because of any message of hope they bring to an America that is hobbling around on a bum economy, but more because of who they are, what they believe in and how they get their message across or, in some cases, refuse to go on bona fide news shows to get their message across but rely instead on Twitter, Facebook, and the witticisms they pen in the front covers of their best-selling books.

We’ve finally tipped the scales in favor of the loonies. You have only to listen to things they’ve said prior to running as well as what they are saying on the campaign trail to determine there are some certifiable, unqualified whack jobs that may just be headed to Washington this fall.

To help voters out, here are a few tips that the candidate you’ve decided to vote for may not have all their absentee ballots in the same box:

1.       They are confronted with video clearly showing them bragging about dabbling in witchcraft and then explain it away as high school hijinx. Ok, we get it, but to be clear about it, we’d probably draw the line at eating an egg salad sandwich and some chips on a blood-spattered altar.

2.       They don’t just embrace the second amendment, they use witty double entendres to get their message across such as “she has your best interests in her sights,” and “she’ll target lower taxes for everyone.” But when she’s shooting a rapid-fire machine gun and telling potential voters “when it comes time to cast your vote, make the right choice,” that’s where you hope she doesn’t know how you voted or where you live.

3.       They like to choose who they sit beside at the lunch counter, and they don’t believe their speaking out against certain things such as silly old Civil Rights laws and their onus on business owners should be taken as anything other than pandering to corporate interests. That blue-plate special is gonna come at a mighty high price.

4.       When they want to espouse family values, and they don’t really have any to speak of, they generally just use someone else’s kids. Can you blame them? It is a well-known fact that kids, puppies and kittens sell. Wonder if the Humane Society is next on his list for purchasing a bit of surrogate heartstring tugging?

5.       When all is lost, they call for the dismantling of every governmental program that is actually doing something to better the quality of life of Americans like Social Security, Medicare and even the EPA. Sure, having a retired husband whose benefits extend not only to himself but also allows her to receive some of the best health insurance in the country thanks to the still working civil servants in this country paying into the (federal) Civil Servant Retirement System. Betcha even she is hoping she doesn’t get elected and have to make good on her promise to vote on doing away with those plans.

6.       They are great at running without giving any interviews. Oh, some will show up on Fox News, or the occasional local news station, but put them in front of someone who can actually ask informed questions and they act as if they’ve just been exposed to kryptonite. Unless, of course, you just happen to become a candidate with absolutely no explanation as to how you are unemployed but still come up with over $10,000 in filing fees to run for US Senate. The interviews, although few and far between, are a great comical diversion. What isn’t funny about the whole thing is that another fundamentalist Christian candidate who is hell bent on taking Obama down will most likely get that Senate seat due merely to the fact that there really is no contest.

7.       While some aren’t going to Washington, it doesn’t make them any more scary. Bada Bing, Bada Boom pretty well says it all. For those of you who aren’t from NY this phrase was popularized by James Caan in the movie “The Godfather,” and loosely translates to easily gotten and that’s what one candidate running for Governor of NY is hoping for in the upcoming elections. Fuhgetabout the fact that he is openly racist until, of course, it hurts his chances for election. Oh and lest we forget, he is pro-life and pro-gun, if that is at all possible.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, i.e. the dozens of candidates who use dead presidents, guns and demonic sheep to get their messages across, it is a pretty good sampling of who we can expect to be making our laws come November and if that doesn’t scare you, then go ahead and vote for them. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Christine O'Donnell Not Happy About Fielding Witch Jokes

When Christine O’Donnell of Delaware won the election to run for a United States Senate seat on the GOP ticket, she was all smiles, but it didn’t take long for the bones in her closet to start rattling. The biggest bone rattler of all turned out to be a very savvy Bill Maher, who just happens to be sitting on a gold mine of old Chris O’Donnell tapes from his old television show, “Politically Incorrect.” Maher has threatened O’Donnell that if she doesn’t accept his offer to appear on his new show “Real Time with Bill Maher,” he’s will release a video a week up until the election in November.

And just like the kidnapper who lops off his victim’s ear and sends it to the family for ransom money, Maher is quite serious. Last week, he released the first of more than 20 archived videos where a young O’Donnell admits she dabbled in witchcraft. This airing has not only hit mainstream media with a vengeance, but some pundits agree that it has spawned some of the best political jokes since those told back in the George Bush/Dan Quayle and Clinton/Lewinsky eras.

For instance, did you hear the rumor that an unauthorized biography is due out this week called “Christine O’Donnell—My Life, Warts and All?” Then there’s the one about how she hopes she never becomes as popular as President Obama. Why you ask? She hears the roasts can be brutal.

But it’s not all about witches. O’Donnell’s strict Christian beliefs have caused her to say a lot of things that have brought the proverbial shtick ball down on her head. For instance, O’Donnell has made it perfectly clear that she is totally against masturbation. Quipped one comedian, “There goes the male vote.”

So far, Bill Maher has already broken his promise of releasing one video per week by prematurely releasing another vintage video where Christine O’Donnell takes up the issue of telling lies and makes known her belief that telling lies in any situation is wrong. If this is true, O’Donnell is going to have to make a decision, stay true to her beliefs or forget about being a Senator.

GOP Considers Palin and Tea Party a Necessary Evil

While conservative pundits continue to say that Republicans are none too pleased about some of the crazy Tea Party candidates who have gotten themselves nominated for Republican House and Senate seats this year, they still have to admit that without them, the party doesn’t stand a chance in hell of taking back control of Congress.

The proof is in the way we are seeing staunch old school Republicans such as Karl Rove practically getting down on all fours and licking Sarah Palin’s Manolo Blahniks for handing them a Republican Congress in November. Rove can only imagine the Tea Party as a third party, instead of the red-headed stepchild of the GOP, and he shivers.

Talk about the Tea Party becoming a third political party is tempting only for the Tea Partiers themselves, not for the Republicans. Trying to keep Palin happy so she won’t take her influence and let that very thing happen is taking its toll on staunch Republicans like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Karl Rove and others. You can see it in their body language when forced to share a stage with Palin, smiling through clenched teeth, nostrils flaring, fake cordials.

If you believe that Sarah Palin, herself is capable of getting the Republican Party to lick her boots, you overestimate her power. She is being driven by someone else’s money and quest for power. Someone who knows that the Tea Partiers need the Conservatives just as much as the Conservatives need the Tea Partiers. A break into two parties would mean a split in votes and the real possibility of the Democrats coming out on top.

To understand this a little better, one has only to look at what happened in the 2000 Presidential elections. It was George W. Bush taking on Vice President Al Gore and, say what you will, Gore was expected to win the election on the popular vote. In fact, Gore actually was elected President according to the popular vote. Some say that Ralph Nader, who ran on the Green Party ticket, took valuable votes away from Al Gore and cost him the election. While Nader vehemently denies this, the fact of the matter is many believe that is exactly what happened. And that is what could happen if the Tea Party were to splinter off into a third party.

Fast forward to 2010 mid-term elections. There are two parties—the Democrats and the Republicans. There is no third party, at least none that has candidates running in the election that could pull votes away from the Republican or Democrat parties. While the Tea Party movement members do have a tendency to lean toward conservative beliefs, they are not happy with the conservative agenda. They hate the thought of big business influencing Washington politics almost as much as they hate government running their lives. They don’t want to pay taxes but at the same time, they don’t want corporations to get a tax break while they suffer.

The Tea Party movements has its own agenda and it does not line up well with that of the Republicans. If they were a third party in the election coming up and their candidates were running against Republicans, it is a distinct possibility that Democrats would win the elections because Tea Party members would vote for their own candidates and there wouldn’t be enough votes to carry and election. By voting for their candidates, they’d pull votes away from the Republican candidates, making it difficult for them to get a majority vote as well. And certainly, Republicans would not be voting for the whackos running on the Tea Party ticket.

Makes one wonder if the Tea Partiers plan on ever really breaking away from the Conservatives and forming their own party. If they were running the show, it might have already happened. But the moment they teamed up with Sarah Palin and the money behind Sarah Palin, the game plan changed and the poor folks who signed on to the Tea Party Express were gobbled up by the very people whom they are fighting so hard against—big business.

For now, the Republicans consider the Tea Party a necessary evil and are going along with their far right agenda to ensure success in November. But after the elections, it may be the Tea Party that begins to shed their Republican skins kind of like the lizard people on the hit mini-series “V” years ago and if that happens, it’s anyone’s guess what kind of election year 2012 will be. One thing is for sure, any Democrat worth their salt will be cheering the Tea Party on.

Wealthiest Americans Expected to Seek Asylum with Lakota Nation

Three years ago a delegation of four Oglala Sioux Tribe members took their Declaration of Sovereignty to Washington, D.C. declaring themselves a separate nation. While the declaration has not been formally accepted by the United States State Department, the newly formed Lakota Nation is determined to go forward with plans to have their nation recognized by the United Nations. Meetings with various heads of state from such countries as Venezuela and Bolivia have been met with respect and solidarity.

The Nation comprised of parts of 5 states including South Dakota, North Dakota, Wyoming, Nebraska and Montana is offering citizenship to anyone who wants it so long as they are willing to renounce their United States citizenship. The most coveted prize of becoming a Lakota Nation citizen is tax-exempt status. The same thing the Tea Party is fighting for but will never be able to fully attain.

At present, any United States citizen who fights the Federal Government over their right to withhold paying taxes is subject to fines, penalties and jail time. But, not if you become a Lakota Nation citizen. You are automatically exempt from paying taxes.

Unfortunately, the top 1% of the nation’s citizens, those with the most wealth, and the very people who could care less about the plight of the Indians are the ones seeking to defect to the Lakota Nation if the Democrats continue to hold a majority in the House and Senate. This has presented the Lakota Nation with some hard choices to make. On the one hand, they stand to gain some of the greatest minds in the business world to bring them into the future. On the other hand, some of the lowest forms of human beings on the planet, predatory lenders, unscrupulous employers, narcissists, and sociopaths will become citizens alongside the nature abiding original peoples.

What do do? What to do?

Awesome! Ed Schultz and Stephen Colbert in Political Rally to Set the Record Straight

On rare occasions, I come across a story that rivals mine in intelligence and wit and that has a message that needs to reach my readers. This is such a story. I cannot stress enough the need for all liberals and progressives to step up to the plate. Join in rallies, get the word out, and by all means, make sure you are registered to vote and do so on election day. This is one very, very important election and we cannot let the opportunity pass without giving our voice to the issues that make us who we are as citizens.

When you read the story in the attached link, try and imagine a dual rally combining the talents of MSNBC's Ed Schultz with Stephen Colbert. That would be the stuff great rallies are made of. Do what you can to help this cause along. Join the forums for both The Colbert Report and The Ed Show and help make this a reality. It's in your hands now.

Crawling down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening.

A Progressive Hippie’s Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a large hippie clan living in a remote area of the Appalachian Mountains. They had been living a quiet life out of mainstream America since the early 70’s. They dropped out of society during the Nixon administration fully expecting to re-integrate back in when Nixon left office, but decided their lifestyle was one that could not be abandoned so easily.

Numbering in the tens of thousands, the group kept abreast of current events through a live news feed to the main meeting center; however, none of the individual dwellings were wired for radio or television. It is for this reason that this particular group of people were the purest of liberals. They actually practiced tree hugging, organic farming and homeopathic medicine. They shunned the modern world as we know it, save for one lone member who possessed an Apple iPad, asking that he not be identified.

One day, a hiker by the name of Corkie Simpson, one of Nancy Pelosi’s congressional aides, was hiking with friends on the Appalachian Trail. They came upon a few members of the clan who were out early in the morning harvesting mushrooms. The clan members were not able to escape quickly enough into the forest and were detained by the hikers. A friendly conversation ensued and the clan members agreed to sit down with the hikers over lunch and discuss the dire straits the liberals were in going into the mid-term elections.

The clan leaders felt a sense of urgency in what Simpson told them of how, if the liberals didn’t pull something out of their hats, were sure to lose the elections come November, and in the process, put America back at risk of becoming a true plutocracy. At first, the clan members shied away claiming that from what they’d heard, the liberals had their chance and they blew it, but Simpson was adamant that was just not so. She asked the clan leaders if they’d ever heard Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin speak, and they admitted they did not. The clan only listened to Amy Goodman on National Public Radio. Simpson invited the clan members to sit down in front of their one television and turn on the Fox News Channel, which they did.

As they shared homemade chicory coffee and blueberry buckle in front of the television, the clan members were warned that what they were about to watch may be gruesome but it was for their own good. They all began to watch the Glenn Beck Show together. Some clan members ran from the room unable to keep their lunch down; the message was so horrific. Others got angry, something they’d not done for decades. By the end of the broadcast, there was no doubt that the clan members had only one course of action—re-register to vote and vote democrat all the way.

Little did Sammy Simpson know, but this particular clan had satellite clans all over the United States that had lain dormant since the early 1970’s. Upon departing, Simpson secured the promise of the clan leaders that they would immediately call on their brothers and sisters throughout the land to rise up and vote just this once more to preserve and protect the middle class of America. Corkie then performed what everyone thought to be the height of an unselfish act, she left her cell phone with the leader of the clan so that he could call on all brothers and sisters in states all across the country to come out in numbers on Election Day. The clan asked for nothing in return.

While Pelosi’s very position as House Speaker lay in jeopardy, the reality of what these fine anti-establishmentarians were willing to sacrifice to counter the damage that may ultimately be done by the right fringe wingnuts is the kind of commitment this country has not seen for a long, long time. They only asked in the end that if they were willing to make such a sacrifice to come out of self-imposed exile to help out their fellow liberals, that progressives and liberals on the outside, the ones who are sitting idly by and letting someone else fight their battles for them, rise up alongside and make this truly an election to be proud of.

This fairy tale does not yet have an ending but it does have a moral. Stop your whining, and get out there and vote because if you do not, you have no one to blame but yourselves. And maybe, just maybe, we can amend this story to have a happy ending.

The end.

CDC Warns of New Strain of Flu Virus this Fall Related to Elephants

The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta (CDC) has come out with warnings this week of a new strain of flu that is already showing signs of being a real problem this coming fall flu season. The reports claim the flu is related to elephants. Unlike the swine flu and avian flu viruses, which can affect anyone regardless of their socio-economic status, the pachyderm flu will be particularly bothersome in the upper echelons of society.

There is good news for the less wealthy in the country in that they are not expected to be affected by the flu due to the fact that, as a whole, wealthier members of society rarely have contact with the middle or lower classes of society. Therefore, the threat of spreading pachyderm flu to a broad number of people is near impossible.

While swine flu and avian flu are thought to spread mainly through hand-to-mouth contact, pachyderm flu spreads a bit differently—through the rapid exchange of money. Wealthier citizens are therefore warned to wash their hands thoroughly before and after making back-room political deals and any other instances where large amounts of money change hands in a quick and unthinking fashion. Rubbing elbows is also a form of contact, but a less likely way to spread the disease.

The height of pachyderm flu season is expected to be around the second week in November. Therefore, it is important to avoid anything that may have to do with elephants at this time. Further reports on this troublesome but as of yet, non-deadly form of disease are expected through the coming months.

Glenn Beck Creates New Religion “Mormonistianity”

Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has had an epiphany of sorts. In fact, he believes that his particular belief system is different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to.

Those close to him claim that Beck believes so much in his beliefs that he has created a whole new belief system, or religion if you will, which he has called Mormonistianity. In an effort to try and explain his new-found, newly branded religion, Beck told his radio listening audience this “If anyone is confused about what to believe, it is this little buckaroo. Believe you me, I have been searching for a belief system practically all my life. First of all, I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith, but kind of lost my way. When I found my way, it turns out I felt I had been on the wrong road and took the first right over onto Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Avenue smack dab in the middle of Mormontown.”

Yes, as usual, Beck was unable to actually coherently explain his early worship years. However, when he began to speak of his new belief system, Mormonistianity, a spark ignited and he was once again able to speak semi-eloquently about what he hopes to accomplish with his new religion. “Well, first and foremost, let’s get one thing clear, in order for a new religion to survive, it needs a central place of worship, or as I like to call it blind faith fellowship.” Beck then walked over to his chalkboard not realizing his radio listeners couldn’t see what he was doing, and began to scribble stuff on it.

“And so,” said Beck, “as you can see from what I’ve written on this blackboard, it will take $213 million dollars to build the Mormonistianity Temple of Fellowship in my home town of New Canaan, and I’m asking all of you to not only dig deep into your pockets to give to this brand new  religion I’ve concocted, but to also put down your bibles in order to free up your time to read my new book ‘Beck’s Blue Blazes Bibliography, the Teachings of Mormonistianity.’ It’s in bookstores and online now.”

National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott Gaining Momentum

While the Tea Baggers are busy off rallying for their causes, the Populist Party has come up with what they believe is a more effective way to get the attention of big corporate interests to pay attention to just how unhappy their workers are. It’s called the National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott and it’s scheduled to happen on September 3, 2010.

Basically, what this will do if enough workers decide to join the ranks, regardless of their political affiliation, is to show the corporations how little can be accomplished when the minions are not at work making everything run smoothly, which, in turn, makes the companies boatloads of money.

Imagine if you will corporate Presidents and CEOs forced to make their own coffee and run their own copies. As much of a temptation it would be to show up for work just to watch them try and fix a paper jam in the copier or, God forbid, change the toner, the fact that you just know there are scores of corporate executives on that day wearing white shirts totally covered in black toner will make for a very enjoyable day off of work.

While not everyone can afford to take the day off, such as day laborers who need every penny they can earn, if a significant number of workers do decide to get the ‘minion flu’ it could just send a message loud and clear that unless we see an increase in our salaries that are more in line with the type of work we do, we may just get sick a whole lot more often. But for now, one day can make all the difference in the world.

Interestingly, National Stay Home from Work Day coincides with National Treat Yourself to a Leisurely Lunch day. It might be fun to head on over to your bosses’ favorite lunch spots and watch from a distance as they try and order for themselves for a change. Just a thought.