Secret to Mayan Calendar Revealed

We are now just about a month away from the end of the world, and how do we know this? Because we have a Mayan calendar that predicts it. At least, that is what a large portion of humans around the world believe.

According to various readings of the ancient calendar, the earth will undergo catastrophic changes on December 21, 2012. Either that or the changes will be for the better. It’s all according to whom you ask.

However, one scientist says both sides are wrong. While the calendar does appear to end on 12/21/12, in reality, there is a perfectly logical reason for that.

“The person who kept the calendar going way back when died,” said historian Greta Shushkind, “and when the next person took over the task, he wasn’t as, shall we say, ‘married to his job’ as the first Mayan timekeeper. Within a week or two of taking the job, the replacement timekeeper decided to walk away, leaving the calendar to fizzle out on December 12, 2012.”

Shushkind says by the time anyone noticed the missing astronomer, too many celestial events had passed unrecorded. For that reason, she believes the gloomy date is nothing more than a result of shoddy record keeping.

“Odds are pretty good that on December 22, there will still be last-minute shoppers clogging the malls, making parking a nightmare and having quite a few people wishing for an end to the madness, but end of the world as we know it? Hardly.”

Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies

I ain't doing nuthin' till I get my Twinkies

Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.

“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.

“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.

“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.

“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.

“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”

Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.

In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.

Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.

Obama Schedules Haters Beer Summit

President Obama has asked the White House kitchen staff to order up a couple cases of Texas’ best Shiner Bock and to “make some of those delicious wiener puffs and cheez whiz thingies” for a special beer summit he is planning within the next two weeks.

“I know my re-election for some, especially folks who live in the redder states, is a tough pill to swallow, so I’m inviting them here for a beer summit to see if we can find some common ground,” said the ever-optimistic Commander-in-Chief.

Obama admits the first beer summit (between a black Harvard professor and the white police officer who arrested him) wasn’t exactly a success as neither party showed signs of changing their stands and accepting any apologies, but he is sure of one thing.

“Beer is the universal language of men,” said the President. “Give a guy a free beer and he has to do two things…(1) he has to drink it, and (2) he has to at least acknowledge the guy who bought it for him. Those are the rules of buying a round.”

“Not so fast” said Texas governor Rick Perry upon learning of the beer summit.

“Oh, he may get us to the White House on the promise of free beer, but I guarantee he ain’t gonna like what we have to say once we get a few rounds in us.”

Perry was likely referring to his upcoming agenda to ignore certain mandates of Obamacare as well as lead other states in their threat to secede from the union. It appeared that Perry and others may accept the invitation to the Haters Beer Summit simply to “cop a buzz from the President, and that’s about it” as Florida Governor Rick Scott put it.

This didn’t seem to deter Obama one bit, however.

“Not a problem,” said the confident President.

“If the Haters Beer Summit takes a nasty turn for the worse,” he said, “we’ve already come up with a Plan B. We’ll just spin it as a Good-Bye/Good Luck Party for all those who wish to secede because honestly, it’s the best idea they’ve had all year.”