Discovery Channel Devolving into Third Generation Inbreed-Fest

With the exception of the multiple awards winning show, Planet Earth, if you turn on Discovery Channel these days, you can pretty much expect to be bombarded by some of the stupidest shows airing on cable television.

At what point a channel meant to educate and inform its viewers devolved into a third generation inbred-fest, one cannot say for certain, but devolve it has. And lest you think reality television could never hit a new low after witnessing such shows as Bridezillas and Swamp People (no these are not 1950’s B-rated movies), here comes another round of shows that will have most Americans pining for the days of the second generation of inbreds.

The latest programs to become a part of Discovery Channel’s repertoire are Tickle and Porter Ridge. Neither of these programs are about anything in particular; however, they do accomplish one goal--to scare the hell out of any rational-thinking human being who just happens to happen upon these shows while randomly flipping through the channels of what has now become a very lame excuse for television entertainment.

It is my opinion that the show that started this sharp, downward spiral into cashing in on rural America was TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, a show that features a young, plump beauty pageant winner from rural Georgia.

I started to wonder why anyone in their right mind would find a mouthy fat little girl who is anything but beauty pageant material, and who lives with a 400 pound mother and her toothless live-in boyfriend, the stuff television dreams are made of, and then it hit me, rubes are entertaining as hell to watch. Just the sheer enormity of their ignorance is enough to stop a third-grade Social Studies teacher dead in his tracks.

Remember the movie Deliverance? Of course you do. Remember the famous pig scene? Of course you do. Remember much more about the movie except for the inbreds and what they did to the businessmen who crossed their path? Probably not.

Well folks, welcome to the world of reality television that has taken its cue from that movie, which was also, by the way, set in rural Georgia. While Tickle is set in rural Virginia and Porter Ridge is set in rural Indiana, I think you can see where the masterminds of reality television are taking us on a journey to…their idea into what rural American life has devolved.

So strap yourselves into your strata-loungers, get yourselves a big old bowl of popcorn and let the inbred games begin. And lest the idiotic shenanigans of Tickle begin to bore you, have faith. The Amish have come out of hiding and are more than happy to share their dark side with you for a price with shows like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia.  It would appear that airing your dirty, hand-washed laundry is a bit more lucrative than making furniture out of hickory tree limbs.

Who would have thought that one of the last bastions of decency in America would finally sell their soul to the devil? Anyone wanna bet that within the next 3-6 months we’ll be seeing a show titled Buddhist Monks Disrobed?

Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies

I ain't doing nuthin' till I get my Twinkies

Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.

“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.

“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.

“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.

“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.

“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”

Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.

In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.

Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.