Secret to Mayan Calendar Revealed

We are now just about a month away from the end of the world, and how do we know this? Because we have a Mayan calendar that predicts it. At least, that is what a large portion of humans around the world believe.

According to various readings of the ancient calendar, the earth will undergo catastrophic changes on December 21, 2012. Either that or the changes will be for the better. It’s all according to whom you ask.

However, one scientist says both sides are wrong. While the calendar does appear to end on 12/21/12, in reality, there is a perfectly logical reason for that.

“The person who kept the calendar going way back when died,” said historian Greta Shushkind, “and when the next person took over the task, he wasn’t as, shall we say, ‘married to his job’ as the first Mayan timekeeper. Within a week or two of taking the job, the replacement timekeeper decided to walk away, leaving the calendar to fizzle out on December 12, 2012.”

Shushkind says by the time anyone noticed the missing astronomer, too many celestial events had passed unrecorded. For that reason, she believes the gloomy date is nothing more than a result of shoddy record keeping.

“Odds are pretty good that on December 22, there will still be last-minute shoppers clogging the malls, making parking a nightmare and having quite a few people wishing for an end to the madness, but end of the world as we know it? Hardly.”

Mitt Romney Begs to Trade Places with Paul Ryan

Mitt Romney has asked the GOP to look into the possibility of trading his top spot on the Presidential ticket with his choice for Vice President, Paul Ryan.

Citing reasons such as “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and “I just found out how little the President actually earns,” as justification for his request, Romney is hoping the GOP will come up with an answer for him in enough time so that he can deliver the news at the GOP convention being held in Tampa the week of August 27, 2012.

“I had no idea campaigning for President would be so hard,” whined Romney in his letter to GOP Chairman, Reice Priebus.

“And today, I get this e-mail from Dick Cheney telling me that once I’m President, he’s gonna be in charge again so I better get used to it. I mean, who died and left him boss?”

Romney claims that once he saw how energetic Ryan was the first few days after being introduced as the Vice Presidential pick, he knew Ryan would make a much better President.

“If nothing else, I think Ryan could totally kick Cheney’s butt,” wrote Romney to Priebus. “Plus, the kid is a dynamo who actually already has a budget plan in place. I have to tell you, Reice, I was getting pretty darned tired of saying I had a budget plan just to keep the base ignited, when, in fact, I had nothing.”

“Besides that, I honestly don’t know what I stand for anymore. I thought I was for women’s rights until they kept telling me I’m not supposed to be for women’s rights. You know, that kinda put a real kink in my marriage. I was getting it from both sides,” he said.

“At least with Ryan, if he says he doesn’t give a whit about women’s rights, and his wife is ok with that, then it makes more sense for him to be saying that kinda stuff.”

In closing, Romney assured Priebus that he would be as good a Vice President as Joe Biden.

“Look, Reince, what it comes down to is this. Romney/Ryan, Ryan/Romney, in the big scheme of things neither one of us is really going to be the power behind the presidency, so please, I’m begging you, don’t make me be leader of the free world or so help me God, I’ll pull a Rick Perry on you.”