In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from
reaching the press, the President issued a mandate that everyone in his cabinet
be required to wear a shock collar.
"We are tired of reports of rogue employees,"
said a WH spokesperson, "but we don't want to lose what few employees we
have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze," she said.
"Therefore, effective immediately, the Government
Procurements Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump's own words)
"a really big shipment of shock collars."
The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has
become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts
to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have
reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendevous
seem like child's play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on
Bannon's desk from Fern's Fetish Emporium.
The collars must be worn at all times so that anything
the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is
not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly
basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.
While there has been some pushback on the collars from
Trump's more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and
McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear
to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their
leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.
However, the collars may be responsible for the drained
expressions on the faces of a few of Trump's closest advisors, including
Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with
cameras and a microphone.
While this move may seem medieval to most, the new
administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a
daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media.
In Spicer's case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in
line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he
has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.
When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea,
Spicer replied: "Yes, master," as he adjusted the tension on his own
ill-fitting collar.
