It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on
Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to
allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last
minute to perform at the event.
"This was the only way we could get some relatively top
names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said
Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the
inauguration.
While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to
advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and
hoping for the best.
"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just
satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top
positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't
coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.
So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of
Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis
Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria
Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to
allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.
Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band
out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr.
Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets
my ok."
Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and
Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball.
When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm
rich, but who will be our musical talent?"
Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of
pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and
lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras
will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.
Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball,
but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is
having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when
translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place,
Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural
Balls.
Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball
that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after
Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.
In other news, it was announced today that immediately
following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the
Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great
Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.
