David Schwimmer Offered Starring Role in Revamped CSI Series

Producers of the CBS hit series CSI: NY, which was cancelled last year, have announced today that they are willing to breathe new life into the show based solely on the heroics of actor David Schwimmer, a resident of New York.

Schwimmer, known for his role as Ross Geller on the NBC hit television sitcom Friends, was said to be over the moon about being offered the starring role over Gary Sinese, the former star of CSI: NY just days after news reports indicated he helped NY police solve a real, not televised, stabbing incident in a building adjacent to his.

When the dispute erupted, Geller says he was sitting in his apartment, watching re-runs of Friends, and eating funyuns, when he heard loud yelling near his building. He says he was lucky enough, when Friends ended, to talk the show's producers into letting him keep the telescope featured on the show. He claims there is a lot you can see from his windows.

When asked what, Geller replied, "Oh you know, hookers, and pimps, drug deals, your everyday stuff. Cute girls heading out in the mornings for bagels and schmear. Regular stuff."

But this particular incident was different. That telescope helped Geller realize something pretty heinous was going on next door.

"Scared the living daylights out of me," said Geller, "but, you know, I had my iPhone with me, and decided to just bound down the stairs and get a video of the action."

The dispute, caught on surveillance tape, shows three individuals arguing, when one of the individuals pulled out a knife and stabbed another person in the face.

Geller's actions did not go unnoticed by the police, the press, or television producers of the CSI series.

Ben Burbank, one of the executive producers of CSI: NY, said his first instinct was let sleeping dogs lie, when told of the stabbing incident and heroics of mild mannered, Ross Geller, er, David Schwimmer, but the more he thought about it, he thought, why not bring the CSI:NY series back, call it CSI: Metropolis, and make it a cross between a real crime scene investigative show and add a little Superman touch to it.

Schwimmer says at first he balked at the offer saying he looked terrible in glasses, but after re-thinking it, said "what the heck. I'm not doing anything right now," and latched onto the offer with both hands.

Word on the street is that producers are trying to get Jennifer Aniston to sign on as a Lois Lane character in the show, but there is no word yet if she is willing to take the part.

"Having Aniston reprise her role as the love interest of Geller would definitely add something to the new CSI series," said the show's official spokesperson.

Filming of the new series CSI: Metropolis is set to begin sometime in August, and will hopefully air on CBS, schedule permitting.

Disney Execs Happy With Raising Admission Prices Again

MINNIE AND MICKEY MOUSE LOSE IT DURING PRESS CONFERENCE

ORLANDO, FL - Disney announced last week that they are raising their park entry fees once again to $99 per day. They were unapologetic for the rise, even midst some of the strongest earnings their top executives have ever seen.

The official spokesperson, dressed as Minnie Mouse, would say only that her bosses feel like they are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to executive salaries.

"Every other business, it seems, these days, are paying their executives millions and tens of millions, and even hundreds of millions of dollars in salaries and stock options to sit in huge chairs at huge desks and act like the King's ransom, or something."

Ms. Mouse was immediately whisked away, after taking off one of her size 23 white pumps and tossing it at the Sr. VP of Marketing at Disney, and another spokesperson taking her place, Mickey Mouse, had this to say.

"She was under a lot of stress. She was making less than minimum wage and asked to work longer hours, and well, it just got to her. She swooned is all when she started reading all those numbers, and well..." at which point Mr. Mouse lost his Disney magic demeanor as well, and lunged at the Sr. V.P.

Mr. Mouse was then whisked away and in his place came a young lad, who looked to be around 16, wearing a barbershop quartet outfit, who mostly just sang and danced his way through the rest of the press conference.

Disney sources did say that park prices will continue to steadily increase, and they prided themselves on the fact that no matter what they charge, the people will come. At least the people who can afford it, which most analysts predict is at the core of the steadily rising prices.

Disney feels their tactics in pricing will ultimately drive off the riff raff to other, less costlier entertainment, such as opening fire hydrants on a hot summer day to cool off in the absence of air conditioning, that sort of thing.

"They like that," said one unidentified spokesperson, dressed as Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

And added "Where else in the world can you offer the same tired rides over and over and over again, and keep charging more to see them, and have people still line up in queues to get into your park? This is something even Mr. Walt Disney couldn't have imagined.

Post Office Delivers Package on Time Causing Senior Sender Seizures

Delores Doldrums, age 67, has been sending various care packages to her nieces and nephews for decades and not once have any of them arrived on the date and time they were promised. The post office was always anywhere from a day to several days late, and over time, Delores had come to expect the delays and planned accordingly.

"I used to put a chocolate bar in each of the packages," said a recuperating Delores from her hospital bed in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"But I soon learned not to do that, especially in the summer months, as the chocolate would invariably melt all over the clothing or cards, or letters I sent, making the writing unintelligible, and the clothing worthless," she said.

But this past Monday, Delores was so taken aback by the fact that the package she sent to her niece, Denice, away at college, was delivered not only on time, but ahead of time, that she actually suffered a mild seizure. She had to be transported by ambulance to the nearest hospital, and upon arrival, was told she would be staying overnight for observation.

"I'm still a bit woozy," said Delores. "I honestly don't know what to think at this point. What's more, I'm very worried as my nephew, Donnie, has a birthday coming up next month, and I'm afraid that if I send him a package and the post office gets it there on time, I'll end up back in the emergency room," she lamented.

"Sure, it's nice to know they finally got it right," said Delores, "but, I'm not sure my heart can take it if they keep on bettering their services.

"What'll it be next? The cable guy will actually show up within the time frame he gives me?" asked Delores.

"I'm getting too old for this crap," she said, as the nurse came into the room and apologized to Delores for giving her the wrong medicine, and assuring her that the side-effects would be minimal.

"Ah," Delores sighed, "All is still right with the world."

God Particle Found in DNA of Boston Nun

Sister Mary Catherine Ruth McTierney of Boston, Massachusetts, has found herself smack dab in the middle of a huge controversy over whether the Higgs boson or God particle even exists. Physicists have been credited with finding the existence of the particle at CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) in Switzerland. But until this week, it was still very difficult to replicate.

However, doctors at Catholic Health East claim that they have found evidence to suspect that the Higgs boson not only lives outside the human body, but may also reside within the body. A DNA test performed on Sister Mary Catherine last month has come back with some amazing results.

"It would appear that she has evidence of the God particle within her DNA. Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist, has been brought on board to help confirm the finding.

Imagine, we could all have the God particle within us without even knowing. But physicists called in to run further tests on the unusual find say not so fast. They claim there have to be certain criteria to even begin to suspect the God particle could lie within every human on earth.

It seems to be passed down from generation to generation. In Sister Mary Catherine's case, she is an 8th generation Catholic nun. Her great to the 8th grandmother seems to have directly inherited the God particle from the divine and passed it along to future generations.

"Yes," said one doctor, interviewed after he announced the finding, "this sounds incredibly far-fetched, like something straight out of a Bible or something, and we apologize if the news is something too large for many of you to wrap your heads around," he said.

"But the truth of the matter is, this has been qualified by a qualified physicist, and an unusually large sum of doctors, without whom we could not have made this announcement. That, in and of itself, should be enough evidence to make non-believers, believers the world around," he concluded.

At the very least, according to the preliminary findings by the doctors working on this matter, if this turns out not to be the God Particle they believe they have found within the DNA of Sister Mary Catherine, it could at least be the lesser known Jesus particle, as yet not fully defined by physicists, but thought to exist one level below the God Particle.

Further tests are expected to be undertaken to prove or disprove the existence of this rare particle in the nun's DNA. In the meantime, Sister Mary Catherine continues to pray every day to an outer God, but says that now, knowing what she knows, she holds her hands to her heart and says an additional prayer to the God within, just for good measure.

Letters to Mom on Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Dad said I had to make you pancakes for breakfast, but then we both remembered how it went last year. So get dressed. We're going to IHOP.

Love your smart and hungry son,

Randall

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day...to you, and to me. Oh, yeah, maybe I should mention, I'm pregnant! Isn't that amazing?

Mom, mom?

Love,

Amanda

Dearest Mommy,

Or Mommy Dearest, as you like me to call you. Sorry I forgot to call you again on Mother's Day, or your birthday, or Christmas, for that matter...your last threatened lawsuit pretty much put the quietus on us having a loving relationship, but you are a Mother, now aren't you. So read between the lines.

Happy

Mother's

Day.

Your estranged daughter,

Sybil

Song Parody - IF I ONLY HAD SOME HEIGHT

Here it is folks, the video you've all been waiting to see, not in technicolor, but as it was meant to be seen...in North Korean Black and White. So get a tub of popcorn, or some k-rations and gather the family around the computer for about a minute of fun (hey, what do you want? It took me a day and a half just to get this short film done).

Oh, and one more thing...watch your back Weird Al - I'm a gunnin' for you.
Click the link below:

Kim Jong-Un's If I Only Had Some Height

(Sung to If I Only Had aBrain)

If I just had me some stature,

my ego wouldn't fracture

I wouldn't be so rude.

I would be a nicer guy and say

Heck I don't hate the USA

I'd be a gnarly dude.

I wouldn't need no help

To reach the upper shelf

I'd get things on my own

And I wouldn't need a ladder

just to empty my bladder

if my legs had only grown.

If I were a bigger guy

I'd be tall enough to maybe touch the sky

I wouldn't have to try to sit up straight

That's if my height was six foot eight.

If I grew in adolescence

or even pre-pubescence,

I'd be so outta sight

I could look  you in the eye

Cause I'd be a taller guy

If I only had some height.

Watch this Space for Something Completely Different

I am working on a brand new way to entertain my readers. So, keep your eye on this space, for soon enough, you'll be entertained...I guarantee. And you may just be calling me the next female Weird Al Yankovic, only I'd probably keep my name, but I might consider using the Weird part cause this will definitely fit in that category.

So, as soon as I figure out how to pull this off, I'll get it on here for all to see.

Stay tuned.

Weird P. Beckert

Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

Ed. Note: Published in 2012, but still funny

A new warning from the Astronomers Sociological Studies (ASS) group is being circulated around college campuses nationwide advising that this month’s full moon on May 5^th may have a stronger gravitational pull than any in past months. An ASS member claims this could have a detrimental effect on one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, Cinco de Mayo.

“The gravitational pull of the moon will be slightly higher on Saturday,” said Selena Logista, a volunteer astronomer at the Fred Lawrence Whipple Observatory in Arizona. “This suggests that a certain heavy-handedness by bartenders pouring drinks will prevail at bars and lounges across America hosting Cinco de Mayo celebrations.”

Alcohol-related arrests are expected to be higher than normal according to the study. Ironically, past studies indicate that the number one charge against students during a “super moon” is drunk and indecent behavior, including mooning the authorities making the arrest. It is for this reason that some campuses are urging students to hold off their Cinco de Mayo celebrations until well after the full moon wanes or at least wear clothing that prohibits easy removal.

According to the Bartender’s Guide to Getting Your Guests Hooched Up and Happy, an ordinary margarita contains approximately 79% alcohol and 21% lime juice. While that may sound like a lot of alcohol, the average drink is usually around 3-4 ounces tops, and the average college student will get sick from the sweetness of the triple sec long before they get drunk, causing them to throw up and call it a night long before actually over-indulging.

However, a group of astronomers held their own pre-Cinco de Mayo celebration, calculating the moon’s gravitational pull on a normal night and that of the “super moon” and preparing their margaritas to match that pull. The scientists found they got drunker faster using the super moon calculations—35% more drunk to be exact.

Unfortunately, some of the research had to be scrapped due to entries such as “once the waxing gluteus maximus reaches full illuminosity…” and other highly irregular references to the moon.

The bottom line is this: ASS warns students that if they do intend to celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Saturday, don’t expect to remember much of it come Sunday morning and by all means, avoid the Moon Shots.

Mud Boggin' and BBQ Cook-off at Bundy Ranch to Draw More Militia

BUNKERVILLE, NV - Contrary to news reports from several mainstream media outlets that the stand-off at the Cliven Bundy ranch was devolving into a free-for all, the mood at the ranch Friday was anything but tense, as the various militia groups were getting ready for a weekend filled with all kind of redneck sports, including mud boggin', outhouse runs, bbq cook-offs, and various other festivities centered around the large mud bog Bundy has created for his defenders.

Federal officials today announced that the promise of these various redneck sports and cooking competitions at the embattled ranch in Bunkerville, Nevada could, in their words "bring more crazies out in the open."

Bureau of Land Management (BLM) director, Neil Kornze, today stated that he couldn't be more pleased.

"We have to take credit for this ingenious idea," said Kornze, who claims the BLM came up with the idea as a means to get as many fringe elements in one place at one time in order to tag them and keep track of their future movements.

"We figure, the more fringe elements we can gather at one place, at one time, all with guns drawn at each other, can only be a good thing. Just like rounding up a pod of dolphins for tagging, we can have those ruffians tagged and sent on their way with tracking devices implanted in their rear ends, so that the next time they draw from the hip, we'll know about it."

Meanwhile, members of the Oath Keepers are having serious problems with the Three Percenters over who gets to go first in the mud boggin' competition.

Steve McCurdle, ipso facto leader of the Oath Keepers--Bunkerville Battalion, claims that the OK'ers won the coin toss fair and square, but accused the Three Percenters of pulling rank on them, seeing as they were first on the scene when the BLM first converged on the Bundy ranch and demanded the owner, Cliven Bundy keep his cattle off adjacent federal grazing lands and pay the government millions in back taxes.

"One thing is for sure," said McCurdle, "we're gonna smoke them in the BBQ cook-off, which McCurdle says will consist of only one competition--barbecued beef brisket, which, at the moment is in great supply due to the number of heads of cattle presently being fenced in at the ranch.

McCurdle also commented on the reports that should a shoot out with feds occur, the militiamen would consider putting women on the front lines to show the world that the government is willing to shoot innocent women.

"Heck no, the reporters got that all wrong," said McCurdle.

"We actually told reporters to show up Friday round noon for the girl-on-girl mud wrestlin' matches we had planned for the day. If you knew us militiamen, you'd know we'd never take advantage of our women by putting them in harm's way. They are way too important to us."

In related news, reporters covering the debacle at the Cliven Bundy ranch are having a hard time deciding on which great gunfight to liken it to.

On the one hand, they claim that Gunfight at the OK (Oath Keepers) Corral pretty much describes the mood at the ranch at the present moment, with members of several militia drawing their guns on each other and daring the others to shoot.

However, someone suggested naming the standoff Bunker Ville, after the famous battle at Bunker Hill during the Revolutionary War, due to the growth of militiamen converging on the ranch to take part in the action.

"Firepower is what is going to finally sort this out," said Dave Preston of the Las Vegas Sun News.

"Neither of those battles had the kind of firepower we are seeing at the Bundy compound, i.e. automatic rifles, glocks, missile launchers, and even the mention of armed drones, but the message is loud and clear, "Don't tread on our rights, or ours, or ours, or even ours, depending on which militia group you're talking to."