Sarah Palin Demands Reason Why No Invite to Clinton Wedding

In a scene right out of The Real Housewives of New York, Sarah Palin had her bus driver drive her bus (he drove, she and Todd flew via private jet) all the way across country and into the tiny town of Rhinebeck, NY to find out why they weren’t on the guest list of the biggest American wedding this side of the 60’s.

Witnesses claim they saw Palin’s “Going Rogue” bus drive up and down the streets of Rhinebeck in what they could only surmise was an attempt to find out exactly where to turn into the private drive of the Astor Courts Estate. With GPS systems jammed in the area and security extremely tight, anyone not on the guest list was sent on a wild goose chase to try and find the place.

Service Station owner, David Hangaright claims that the bus stopped at his pumps and a frantic Sarah Palin entered his convenience store asking for directions. “I know she wasn’t telling the truth when she asked what was the quickest way to get to the little Clinton shindig that was going on today,” said Hangaright. “I asked to see her invitation and she told me that it was in the bus, and then she huffed away and said she’d find the friggin’ place herself.”

Unable to find their way to the wedding, the Palins left a gift for the young couple at a local Denny’s as a gesture of good will. It appeared to be several autographed copies of Palin’s books.

Meanwhile, Tareq and Michaele Salahi were caught trying to crash the wedding as well. The Salahis are said to have gotten past the first gate, but security guards at the final entrance to the estate became suspicious as Michaele and Tareq tried to explain why Michaele was wearing an exact replica of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding dress. “Oh that,” said Michaele, “wherever we go, we try and blend in.”

Glenn Beck University Institutes Dress Code

Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen.

But before you click on that enrollment button, there is something you need to know. There is a dress code. Even though it is an online course, and you “think” you are free to roam around your room, buck-ass naked if you like while learning what Abraham Lincoln truly thought, or that civil rights and the tax laws are really unconstitutional, think again. Glenn Beck believes you must dress properly to learn properly, to get the most out of his “college” courses.

Men must sit in front of their computers in a full suit and tie, socks and shoes. No pajamas, no Calvin Klein skivvies and no sandals or slippers.

Women must show up in front of their computer screens in dresses or blouses and skirts, nylons or pantyhose and pumps.  Skirt length should be at or below the knee, no exceptions. Women may not wear their teddies from the night before or worse, show up for Beck’s classes in the nude. It simply is unacceptable. Beck claims that the look you should go for is that of your mother, who stayed home and took care of the house and kids. An everyday house dress will suffice if you don’t have anything nicer.

You may have no piercings, anywhere. You don’t need those things to learn. No earrings, no nipple rings, face studs, belly rings, etc. Don’t think you can keep your mouth closed in order to conceal your tongue stud either. Beck will give preliminary checks and have you show the inside of your mouth. If you have a tattoo, you may be asked to have it removed or you may simply not be allowed to attend classes at Glenn Beck University.

Haircuts are also discussed in the dress code section of the site. Men should have their hair cut military-style. If you don’t know what that is, you may copy Glenn’s own look.

Women, you may wear your hair bouffant-style as it is most attractive when you take off your glasses and let your hair down during study sessions. But aside from that, you are not allowed any extreme cuts such as the Kate Gosselin reverse mullet.

As Beck often says, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” so you will shower before every online session and wash your hands during breaks.

Glenn Beck is hoping that this dress code will lead to exemplary conduct and a 100% pass of all students. You may go to his site to request a copy of these guidelines.

6-Year Old Somalian Girl Given Permission to Sail Solo Around the World

A six-year old Somalian girl has been given permission by the Somalian government to sail solo around the world in a 46-foot yacht commandeered by her father in a pirate raid off the coast of Somali earlier this year. The father/ daughter pair have been training for this solo adventure since March.

When Abdul Omar Khalid got word that American 16-year old Abby Sunderland was setting out early in 2010 to sail solo around the world, he became enraged. He wondered why it always had to be someone from a developed country who got all the fame and glory. He knew it was only a matter of time before some other teenage girl would try the same trip and he knew he had to act fast.

Although, he was planning on having his daughter wait until January of next year to begin her trip when she’d then be 7 years old, news about a French 16-year old girl setting sail within two weeks pushed him to pick up the pace and put his daughter to the task a bit ahead of schedule.

Although Khalid has several sons who are older than his 6-year old daughter, Awa, he believes that his young daughter is his only chance to make a real name for himself, so he set about the task of pirating a luxury yacht and using it to train little Awa on.

Awa is set to take off from the coast of Somalia on Saturday and if all goes well, she will have circumnavigated the globe in record time. “By this time next year,” said Khalid, “the name Khalid will be a household name the world over.”

Bad Poetry at its Best

Thought it would be fun to try my hand at writing some really bad poetry. Here's my first offering. Depending on how it is received, I may write more. Seems writing poor prose is another of my many talents:

Oh for the lackluster spankings of my youth for which no switch was

waiting for me yet ‘twas I who pluct it from the tree to swiftly gain approval 

from my father’s ever vigilance to teach me my place in life.

And tho the sting of nettles was not sweeter than the sound of my own tears

trickling down my cheek as I layeth in bed sobbing of my wretched self

pondering not to know my fate as adulthood lie just beyond my grasp.

Then I would be taught again and again but nay I never learned and now

I sit upon this sheetless cot in a cell as barren as my mother after birth of

her only child, the one who put her husband to his early grave.

Two Miracles in One Week at London Hospital

An amazing story broke this week out of London that has the world and most doctors scratching their heads. A black Nigerian couple, Ben and Angela Ihagboro, living in London announced the birth of their child--a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white baby girl! Doctors say odds of this happening are phenomenally high. Because the child wasn’t born with pink eyes and incredibly sensitive skin, they are puzzled over the fact that this is not your ordinary albino birth.

The proud parents claim that they are definitely the parents of the child, and although they can’t explain how this happened, they are reported as saying “we don’t care what the baby looks like, as long as she’s healthy.” Good attitude to have. We hope that attitude is felt by the parents of the second miracle baby to be born in the same city in the same hospital as the first at almost the precisely same time on the very same day.

Reports coming out of London just three days after the announcement of the Ihagboro baby indicate that a white Scandinavian couple, also living in London, Sven and Ingrid Ingellsson, have given birth to a black-haired, dark-skinned baby boy. “What are the odds?” said the doctor who certified that the baby was, indeed, the Ingellssons’.

Both babies are fine and the families are adjusting quite well. While some nurses have suggested that since the babies are only days old, perhaps the couples might want to consider trading them in order to match better, but the couples, both of which are extremely religious, have decided to keep the child they have birthed. Said Angela Ihagboro, “God does work in mysterious ways.”

Copper Stills and Mash Making Comeback

No, that isn’t a play on the name of one of the best-known folk rock groups of all time, Crosby, Stills and Nash, and sometimes Young. It is, instead, a crafty title for this little story about how a whole new generation of moonshine makers is keeping law enforcement officials hopping across America.

Young twenty-something entrepreneurs are discovering the joy of making their own moonshine, and they are coming up with some really unique ideas for the stuff. Brand new copper stills can be bought over the internet, and they come with complete instructions on how to whip up a batch of “white dog,” as it is now commonly referred to, safely and quickly, unlike back in the day when stills blew up and the liquid being produced was said to cause blindness in many who drank it.

From bathtubs in trendy NY SoHo lofts to kitchens in the mansions of young Los Angeles socialites, a new “hillbilly” is emerging to make their own brand of brandy and other spirits. From Vanity Vodka to Ritzy Rum, the ATF has its hands full trying to track down the scofflaws and bring them to justice.

One would immediately think the reason for the crackdown is to protect not only of the lives of the people who are making the stuff but also the lives of those who live close by in case of an explosion of the designer stills. It’s not. These stills are being sought out and taken down for one reason only, because the privately distilled liquor is being sold and consumed on the black market circumventing the United States tax system. The designer distillers are cheating the IRS out of millions of dollars in tax revenues.

Damn, those evil revenuers. Here we go again.

More Letters from Summer Camp

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL).

Me and some kid named Billy Jo McAllister are becoming really good friends. The counselors are saying we are maybe a little bit too friendly. I know you know what I mean mommy, cause that’s the way you are with your boyfriend, Teddy. Love is grand, isn’t it? Who knew I’d find true love at age 13? Now we finally have something in common.

Anyway, I have to go. We are having a film tomorrow on sex education. Wow, who would have thought summer camp would be so fun and so educational too? By the way, since I’m all grown up now, can I call you by your first name? I like it better than mom.

Have fun in Vegas with Teddy, wink wink.

Love,

Serena

Dear Mom,

You tricked me. This isn’t computer camp at all. It is a camp for fatties. Oh yeah, they want me to call it a fitness camp, my big fat hairy mistake! I’m being told already that I have an attitude. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be the fact that I haven’t had a ding dong for 3 days now?!!! That my diet consists of seaweed and tofu wieners? That instead of playing “Lair of the Dead Zombies” on my computer in my bedroom for the entire summer vacation, I’m doing push ups? Outdoors? Outdoorzzzzzuh?

Oh, I’m sure you and dad are having quite the laugh over this while you polish off a whole cheesecake apiece. That’s ok, just remember, paybacks are heck. In addition to the physical activities, we also have to attend counseling sessions. You should be expecting a knock on the door any day now from Children Protective Services.

Where’s the love now?

Vinny

You May Not Know Alvin Greene Now, But After Reading This You Will

It’s been over a month since virtual unknown Alvin Green from South Carolina became the Democratic candidate to run against incumbent Republican, Jim DeMint for a United States Senate seat in November. As some background, he’s the 32-year old unemployed Army vet, black (although that’s really not the issue except that it is, after all, South Carolina) who mysteriously came up with the $10000 it takes to get your name on the ballot for senator, and ended up winning the Democratic primary in a landslide over someone who was a bit better known.

Up until now, Greene has said little, has not given any lengthy interviews and has only uttered a few public words. But now, little by little, the coaching he’s been receiving day and night is finally taking hold, and he is finally able to impart a semi-coherent message to those who believe he has an ice dealer’s chance in hell of unseating DeMint in November.

This past weekend, Greene gave a short speech at the monthly meeting of the local NAACP in Manning, South Carolina, his hometown. The event was standing room only. In addition, just one week earlier, Greene agreed to answer some questions from an AOL reporter. Here is a digest of the questions and answers with a bit of the speech sprinkled in:

“Hi, I’m Alvin Greene, and although I don’t have a clue how I got here, what I’m supposed to be doing here, or how long I’m gonna be here, I just want to say South Carolina needs jobs.”

The crowd went crazy for him. He outlined his plans to create jobs by saying he was going to ask the South Carolina legislature to pass a bill that says everyone has to have a job regardless of whether or not they get paid. He then said something incoherent, incoherent, incoherent, bobbleheads.

In the AOL interview, Greene was asked these questions:

Reporter: If President Obama couldn’t be President, who do you think should be President?

Greene: Obama

Reporter: No. Let’s try that again. If President Obama couldn’t—could not—be President, who do you think should be President?

Greene: Oh. Could not, you mean because he’s black, right?

Reporter: Ok, moving on. What is your favorite color?

Greene: Oh, thatsa easy one. Blue.

Reporter: Do you think Jim DeMint is gay?

Greene: I think I’ll say yes?

Reporter: That was a trick question. Sorry. The answer is no.

So, with what we have to go on so far as to who Alvin Greene is and what he stands for, it seems fair to say that he has as much chance as any of the other folks running for Senate. He is a warm body and he can speak, albeit not well, but hey, there is a female candidate out there said to thinking about running for the highest office in the country come 2012, and we haven’t gotten much more than this out of her yet, either. Goes to show you, it’s anybody’s game.

BPs Lavish Celebration over Capping of Oil Well Marred by Angry Protests

New Orleans, LA - What should have been one of the happiest celebrations in a long time for BP today when it announced that the oil spill in the Gulf has been temporarily capped, leaving no oil spilling from beneath it, turned instead to another day of blame and forced accountability from the people whose lives along the Gulf Coast have been forever changed.

As the official spokesperson from BP stood atop a makeshift stage made to look like a replica of the Horizon platform, decorated with red, white and blue balloons and streamers, several hundred protesters were on hand to keep the company honest. With signs saying “Cap This” and “Tony Hayward is the “D” Word” hecklers were front and center to let him know in no uncertain terms that just because they were being treated to free wieners and soda pop, they weren’t backing down from their original demand that BP make Louisiana and the rest of the Gulf Coast states whole before they hightail it outta town.

Before he could even get the first word of his prepared speech out, protesters started chanting, “Liar, Liar,” drowning out his words.  Finally, police were called in to settle the crowd down and he was able to speak:

“This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over whose fault the oil spill was. Let’s just get past it and go have a hot dog together.”

Stunned by his sheer genius to paraphrase from one of the most revered Monty Python movies of all time, “the Holy Grail,” the crowd could do nothing but cheer him on and agree to let bygones be bygones.  Soda pop for everyone!

Michelle Obama Afraid to Vacation in Maine

When Barack Obama hit the first lady with the news that they were going to the Maine backwoods for a short little vacation, Michelle wasn’t too enchanted with the idea. Sure, the idea of getting in some hiking, canoeing, and fishing was a great idea to wind down the summer before going into the final stretch for November elections, but Maine, who goes to Maine?

And then, Barack told her the rest of the news. “We’re going to be staying with Stephen King, you know, the horror writer? He has this awesome spooky house he lives in in Bangor. Won’t that be exciting?”

Michelle is said to be terrified at the idea of spending even a few minutes in the company of King. “That guy scares the bejeezus outta me,” she’s was heard saying as she and the President discussed the issue over an impromptu picnic on the lawn just outside the west wing of the White House. “Did you ever read that awful story about Pennywise? What kinda creepy things do you suppose goes on in his house, Barack? The girls will never be able to sleep without the light on again.”

Obama is reportedly a big fan of King’s “The Stand,” a story in which he sees himself as the character “Mother Abagail” and Dick Cheney as the character “Randall Flagg” aka “the Walkin’ Dude.” A classic tale of good vs. evil, Obama has recommended this book to many a friend. He’s said more than once that his favorite part is about how everyone can’t get Mother Abagail out of their heads, like she is the one who is going to save mankind from the evil forces at work in the world.

At one point in their discussion, Barack was overhead saying, “Ok, Michelle, you are afraid of Stephen King, I can appreciate that, but look at the alternatives. I could have us spending a couple of days at the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport” to which Michelle replied, “ok you made your point. Stephen King it is.”

All Hell’s Gonna Break Loose on July 11 According to Astrologers and Doomsayers

Doomsayers the world over will be looking to the heavens on July 11 as one of the first seriously meaningful harbingers of the really, really, really awful things to come within the next two years leading up to the Apocalypse.

The event is a total solar eclipse and it's expected to be a doozy, affecting many world-wide events. Some are saying the fact that the eclipse can only be seen over a small portion of the South Pacific and portions of southern South America, especially Easter Island, means that the effects will be much stronger than ordinary solar eclipses that span a wider geographical area.

"Easter Island is a known hang out for celestial beings and those celestial beings are hitting the trumpets pretty hard for this eclipse," said Merle Nerdenuts, Pastor of the Head's Up Ecclesiastical Church of the Holy Spectacle in San Jomato, California, who has been following the second coming of Christ since he was 4 years old. 

"By celestial beings, I mean God's messengers of course, the same ones who built those big-headed statues on the island and who make all those crop circles in farm fields all over the world. They've always been big on leaving signs for us humans to try and figure out."

Signs from mother nature, as well, leading up to the eclipse are lending some credence to what Nerdenuts says. One large nursery owner from Plainville, Texas claims that the cicadas (locusts) are awful this year.

"I got locust carcasses all over my plants and young trees. They done wiped out my dogwood and magnolias and are going for the Texas laurels," said Hal Plimpton of Plimpton's Plainville Plants. "The Farmer's Almanac don't predict a heavy infestation this year, but that don't mean they're right all the time. Just lookin' at my plants, I can tell ya, this is a bad, bad sign."

Nerdenuts was asked if he was going to travel down to Easter Island to view the total solar eclipse first hand.

"Hell no," he said. "I ain't gonna go near that place. It is going to be a zoo with all those astronomers setting up shop and them new age wannabes with their mobile pyramids and what not. Nope, I'm stayin' home and watching the World Cup final match. People will become instant believers in the supernatural when they see the Netherlands win a World Cup, I guarantee you that."

Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving

Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it.

Well, Apple is listening. Researchers at Apple have come up with a Drone Phone, which basically uses the same technological concept as Boeing to develop their drone planes--reconstructed F-16 fighter jets built to fly unmanned missions and avert enemy fire during war.

Baron Geoffrey von Richtenschteiger, lead researcher on Apple’s Drone Phone project, wouldn’t give us too many details due to the fact that every time they come up with a new phone, Samsung and Nokia, among others, are right on their heels offering cheaper versions of the same technology. “It’s almost like World War II all over again,” said Richtenschteiger, “only this time it’s phones instead of planes, kinda sorta.”

What we could gather from the spy photographs we were able to take with our own iPhone 4’s while averting the Baron’s attention during the interview is that the Drone Phone will work like this. It will look like an ordinary hot dog, the kind you can buy at any 7-Eleven Store. The wrapper of the phone contains an antenna and a power source. You can drive down the road appearing to “eat” your hot dog when in reality, you are chatting away with your friends. Statistics show that police are less likely to pull over a hungry driver than one who is texting his friends while maneuvering his vehicle in heavy traffic.

While it doesn’t appear Apple has found a way to allow the driver to take videos or text message from their Drone Phones at present, just the fact that drivers will not have to go cold turkey swearing off the use of their iPhone 4’s while driving is a step in the right direction. Perhaps a two-way Drone Phone system may work, turning an ordinary Slurpee cup into a touch keypad/camera/television monitor/Slurpee drink.  

Beware of Fake Psychic Octopus Predictions Offered on eBay

The success of the German Octopus named Paul has spawned some fakes that internet users need to be aware of. There is only one real psychic octopus who resides in an aquarium in Oberhausen and his only claim to fame so far is picking World Cup winners by correctly going to the side of the aquarium with the winning flag, doing so with striking accuracy (pun intended).

Evidently, there are a few masterminds out there in cyber-land who believe that there is good money to be made off the idea of a psychic octopus. Some have opened up shop on eBay offering to have Paul the Psychic Octopus answer questions about fame, fortune, money and whatever else it is that gullible people will plunk down hard-earned cash for in order to know their fortunes. For $5, you can get Paul to give you the week’s lottery numbers in your town. For $10, Paul will tell you if your spouse is cheating on you, and for $40, you can get a private reading over the phone with Paul’s handler as the go between. One is not sure exactly how Paul communicates for the readings, but let’s face it, how does he even pick winning lottery numbers?

So far, Paul the Psychic Octopus, the real one, doesn’t have a clue his good name is being used to give out phony predictions but if he did, most say he’d turn beet red over it. The shysters who have come up with the plan to use Paul’s abilities to milk money out of the unsuspecting are said to move from town to town but are believed to be operating from someplace in Nigeria.

So be warned, if you receive an e-mail offering a free question answered by Paul the Psychic Octopus, you can be reasonably sure that the e-mail is a scam. Octopi are not computer literate.

Tar and Sand Candle Business Takes Off in Florida

Not everyone on the Gulf Coast of Florida is bemoaning the dastardly effects of tar balls washing up on their pristine white-sand beaches. Harold “Happy” Toner and his wife Sunny Toner are turning those tar balls into dollar bills.

“Oh, we’re hippies from way back,” said Happy. We’ve been scrapping a life offa these beaches since we came down here in ’69, after the summer of love came to a halt. Started making coffee tables and wall clocks outta the driftwood we could scrounge along the beaches. Sunny strung together shells and made jewelry. We made a decent living, enough to buy a little VW Caravan that we’ve been living out of for nigh on 40 years now.”

Yeah,” said Sunny, “we ain’t always had it easy, but we had it our way. We were always looking for that one thing that would finally make us rich, and that’s when those tar balls started showing up. I took my usual walk down the beach one morning and saw black lumps all over the place.”

The Toners don’t own a television and they rarely read a newspaper, so when the tar balls started showing up on the beach, they didn’t know why. Sunny says she picked a few up that had sand on the bottom and “right then and there, I started yelling ‘Eureka!’ I bought them back to the caravan and added some extra sand to a bowl, put the tar in and shaped them into the shape of Florida, stuck a wick in them and damned if they didn’t burn for hours longer than regular candles,” said Sunny.

Happy and Sunny can’t make enough of the candles. People are buying them like hotcakes. “Come hurricane season, these little tar ball candles are gonna come in mighty handy,” said Happy. “Kinda ironic isn’t it? Folks don’t want the hurricanes to come cause they’ll whip that oil right onto the shore, but these here tar ball candles will keep them from bumping around in the dark after the electricity goes off. I’d say God might just have a little hand in all this yet,” he said smiling. “And, we may just make enough money to get the brakes fixed on the Caravan.”

Brazil Economists Say Brazil Loss is Victory for Brazil Economy

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – While almost every Brazilian is saddened by the stunning loss of their team to the Netherlands in the quarter-final match, economists in Brazil are celebrating unabashedly, claiming that the loss has a decidedly silver lining.

Said one high-ranking economist “We were very worried about Brazil’s economy going into the World Cup. When Brazil’s team is playing well in the World Cup, our economy takes a nose dive. No one wants to work, everyone wants to stay in front of the television, and the entire country becomes a Sambadrome. Production in Brazil comes to a standstill,” he said.

To make matters worse, they say, if Brazil would have won the World Cup, there would be a month-long party to celebrate the victory. Economists say Brazil’s economy is not in stable enough financial condition to sustain itself while the entire country dances its way into poverty.

“It’s bad enough,” said the economists, “that Brazilians everywhere will be taking a full week off work to mourn the loss. But it’s still better than a month’s worth of down time had they won.”