Ted Cruz Found Sobbing in Basement of D.C. Mexican Restaurant

Sources say that when Ted Cruz found out today he had singlehandedly taken down the Republican Party instead of the Democratic Party, the news caught him off guard. So much so that when it came time for him to vote on a measure in the Senate to keep the government open temporarily and raise the debt ceiling, he was nowhere to be found.

His friend, Jim DeMint, President of the Heritage Foundation and former U.S. Representative and Senator from South Carolina, finally located Cruz just as the House was getting ready to vote on the Senate measure. The measure was expected to win easily in the House, something Cruz was wont to deny.

“C’mon, Ted, it’s time to get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again,” sang DeMint to a bemused and befuddled Cruz, lying in a corner of the Washington Mexican restaurant where just days before, he was boasting of taking over the White House majority and letting the government default on its bills.

“I let you down, I let Charlie and Dave down (referring to the Koch Brothers), heck I just about let everyone down, I guess,” said Cruz.

 “I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again,” sobbed Cruz, wiping a tear from his eye, but tapping his toe just the same to DeMint’s catchy rendition of the Sinatra song, Pick Yourself Up.

“Sure you can,” responded DeMint. “Oh, they might be a little bit mad at you for a couple of days, but before you know it, you’ll be right back on top, back on top in June, or maybe sooner,” DeMint said as he launched into another feel-good song by Frank Sinatra (That’s Life) to cheer up his little buddy from Texas.

“So whaddaya say, Ted?" said DeMint as he handed his buddy an embroidered hankie.

"You ready to get up on your feet and get back over to Capitol Hill and see what we can do to start salvaging our Party before we get trashed too badly?

“S-s-s-sure, Jim,” said a happier Cruz, as the two politicians came out of the basement, arms locked together, singing Cruz’ favorite Sinatra tune, High Hopes.

You May Not Know Alvin Greene Now, But After Reading This You Will

It’s been over a month since virtual unknown Alvin Green from South Carolina became the Democratic candidate to run against incumbent Republican, Jim DeMint for a United States Senate seat in November. As some background, he’s the 32-year old unemployed Army vet, black (although that’s really not the issue except that it is, after all, South Carolina) who mysteriously came up with the $10000 it takes to get your name on the ballot for senator, and ended up winning the Democratic primary in a landslide over someone who was a bit better known.

Up until now, Greene has said little, has not given any lengthy interviews and has only uttered a few public words. But now, little by little, the coaching he’s been receiving day and night is finally taking hold, and he is finally able to impart a semi-coherent message to those who believe he has an ice dealer’s chance in hell of unseating DeMint in November.

This past weekend, Greene gave a short speech at the monthly meeting of the local NAACP in Manning, South Carolina, his hometown. The event was standing room only. In addition, just one week earlier, Greene agreed to answer some questions from an AOL reporter. Here is a digest of the questions and answers with a bit of the speech sprinkled in:

“Hi, I’m Alvin Greene, and although I don’t have a clue how I got here, what I’m supposed to be doing here, or how long I’m gonna be here, I just want to say South Carolina needs jobs.”

The crowd went crazy for him. He outlined his plans to create jobs by saying he was going to ask the South Carolina legislature to pass a bill that says everyone has to have a job regardless of whether or not they get paid. He then said something incoherent, incoherent, incoherent, bobbleheads.

In the AOL interview, Greene was asked these questions:

Reporter: If President Obama couldn’t be President, who do you think should be President?

Greene: Obama

Reporter: No. Let’s try that again. If President Obama couldn’t—could not—be President, who do you think should be President?

Greene: Oh. Could not, you mean because he’s black, right?

Reporter: Ok, moving on. What is your favorite color?

Greene: Oh, thatsa easy one. Blue.

Reporter: Do you think Jim DeMint is gay?

Greene: I think I’ll say yes?

Reporter: That was a trick question. Sorry. The answer is no.

So, with what we have to go on so far as to who Alvin Greene is and what he stands for, it seems fair to say that he has as much chance as any of the other folks running for Senate. He is a warm body and he can speak, albeit not well, but hey, there is a female candidate out there said to thinking about running for the highest office in the country come 2012, and we haven’t gotten much more than this out of her yet, either. Goes to show you, it’s anybody’s game.

Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year

Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have had no Christmas at all. Thank goodness we had the foresight to ask what would happen if some short-minded Republican Party leaders decided to pray against a nice Christmas for our children, and we went ahead and sent over some staff members to get some Elmos and I-pods for the girls at Walmart.”

Unfortunately, with no fireplace in the house the Obamas were staying in, Malia and Sasha insisted on placing milk and cookies on the front veranda for Santa. The contingency plan by Michelle and Barack went horribly awry when President Obama, thinking his staff had taken care of it, did not secretly eat the milk and cookies to make it look like Santa had visited. “I am so used to having every little mundane chore done for me these days that it didn’t even occur to me that one of my staff members wouldn’t think to get rid of the milk and cookies before morning.”

“The first thing those girls did when they woke up in the morning was to go out on the veranda to see if the milk and cookies were gone. They were not.” said Barack. “The kids were heartbroken when they realized what that meant. Santa Claus did not make a visit to the Obama home this year.”

Upon hearing the news, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), in a joint news conference Saturday jubilantly praised God, Tony Perkins and Lou Engle for the success of the “prayercast” they had commissioned to see to it that if the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill passed, then Santa would either put lots of dirty coal in Barack Obama’s stockings or would just pass over the Obama household altogether. Said Michele (Bachmann), “we have no idea why our original prayercasts didn’t work in bringing down the Senate vote on healthcare reform, but this small victory, seeing to it that Santa passed over the Obamas this year, was a major coup for the religious right and shows us that with a little more effort, these prayercasts can change the direction of this country.”

No word on how much Perkins and Engle were paid for performing what is being touted as a “major act of God,” but there are reports that each woke up Christmas morning to find brand new Hummer SUTs parked in their respective driveways.
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