Gang War Brewing Between Tea Party Movement and the GOP

Hicksville, USA - “You put him out there, now you reel him in, and fast,” said Senator John Bohner (R-Ohio), who surprised everyone with his sudden outrage directed at this young, Strom Thurmond-esque uber conservative known as Rand Paul, “or I’ll make a quick trip down to Kentucky and put an end once and for all to this little free radical.” This is just the latest in a line of threats coming from the GOP against the Tea Party Movement over newly elected Senate choice, Rand Paul, after Paul began to tell America how he really feels about the Civil Rights Act.

The issue that everyone believes is at the core of this territorial battle is Rand’s response to the question, “should private businesses be allowed to discriminate based on color or race?” which Rand is skirting, but nonetheless appears to be leaning heavily toward a big yes. But that isn’t truly what this is all about. Nosiree, it goes deeper than that, deeper than the Deep South itself. It’s about a root core of beliefs that go so deep, you couldn’t mine them up even if you used a 21” tube inside a pipe.

What this is about is a bunch of “loose lipped wild boars running roughshod over the decades of hard groundwork the GOP has laid for the conservatives in this party to have a set core of beliefs but, and this is an important but, to keep them hidden just below the surface so as to appear on their face to be anti-racist. We’ve worked hard at this and now this Rand fellow comes along and makes us all out to be hypocrites in one fell swoop,” said Karl Rove in an address to the Freedom Foundation of Southern Heritages in Mammysville, Missouri.

In response to the charge that Rand is giving the GOP a bad name, Sarah Palin has once again come forward as the not-yet-named-but-pretty-much-a-shoe-in spokesperson for the Tea Party Movement. “Ok, so here’s what we all need to do about this Rand fella, or is it Paul? Gosh I’m not sure if I should call him Paul Rand or Rand Paul. I sure hate those double first names, or is Rand a second name and Paul his first name? Who names their kid Rand anyways for gosh sakes?”