Deepak Chopra Finally Admits We’re Screwed

Mind-Body Medicine guru Deepak Chopra, author of such books as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” and “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire,” has done a complete about face and is now giving lectures based on his belief that the time for fixing things is over.

“They didn’t listen to me,” says Chopra. “I wrote book after book spelling it out for them and they still are choosing to be ignorant and haphazard in the way they go about their lives. Doctors tell them to eat healthier, and still billions of burgers are being served up all around the world every year. They’re told that global warming is real, and they continue to throw out their recyclables with the trash. I say, meditate and you will know inner peace, and they turn on Jerry Springer or one of a hundred or so reality shows to satisfy their inner voyeur. So, I throw my hands up in defeat. I am finished with the self-help, finding God, and ‘discovering your inner you’ crap. It’s just not working.”

Asked if he is just planning on retiring from writing books and giving lectures, Mr. Chopra replied, “Oh my goodness, no, no way. I make way too much money on that stuff. I said people aren’t listening and putting my advice to good use, but I never said they aren’t buying the books. No matter what I write or say, people are going to continue to buy. But to be fair, I think I may as well give up on the ‘changing the world’ attitude because it just isn’t happening.”

Chopra has decided that the best he can do for society now is give them tips on how to squeeze a little more out of life before they totally destroy themselves and the earth. His new series, “Do What You Want, Who Cares?” will focus on the instant gratification message so popular today. Instead of giving lectures at universities and lecture halls all over the country, Chopra will occasionally speak to small groups at Burger Kings and Taco Bells, leaving behind easy-to-read pamphlets with lots of pictures instead of large books to digest (no pun intended). He is even slated to appear at a Tea Party Movement rally simply because he has given up and feels his message, no matter where it is heard, won’t matter any way. And he will be the featured speaker at the Lincoln, Nebraska Thrills n’ Wheels Tractor Pull in August, where he’ll tell a few redneck jokes to get everyone laughing because, no matter how far he strays from his original message, he still believes that laughter is great medicine, and those folks won’t know they are doing something good for themselves (it’s a private joke).

The bottom line is, we are doomed, but don’t blame Deepak Chopra, he’s finally gotten the message for a change and that is “you can’t change human nature.”