President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed

Washington, DC – BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP’s assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward himself had in his wallet, until every last drop of oil is cleaned up and the leak is fixed.

“That should cook their goose,” he heard the President say as he listened to the news report on the clock radio beside his bed. “Unless and until this tiny little man wakes up and smells the oil, there will be no more free lunch from the United States, and I mean that literally. That little lunch counter he and his oil buddies frequent down by the water every day as they sit there and soak up the sun is now officially off-limits. Besides, he’s gonna be as poor as a church mouse come about noon today, so that’s a moot point.”

Hayward reached for a cigarette with trembling hands and lit one up as he sat there contemplating his next move. “Ah-ha,” he said under his breath although no one was in the room with him, the President doesn’t know about the stash of hundred dollar bills I keep in my socks. But just as he got the words out of his mouth, the President continued, “oh and Tony, if you’re listening, we already know about the roll of hundreds you keep in your sock for emergencies. We’re gonna get that too, every last cent of it.”

“And to make sure you understand the severity of this situation, Mr. Hayward,” continued the President, “we are sending someone up there immediately to your fancy hotel room and helping you get packed. We’ve found a sweet little shrimp shack on the edge of the water in Blurgwenchtth Bayou, where you’ll spend the rest of the time in Louisiana until that oil mess is taken care of.” “Blurgwenchtth, what the fu*k kinda name is Blurgwenchtth,” whispered Hayward.

Just as Hayward was getting ready to put all his belongings in his suitcase and bolt for the door, he heard a knock on the door and froze in panic. He didn’t make a peep as the knocking got louder and louder. Finally, a key was inserted and the door opened a crack, “Mr. Hayward, Mr. Hayward? This is your 7 o’clock wake up call.”