Miley Cyrus Grounded by Her Father, Billy Ray

It was reported Friday, that Miley Cyrus is postponing her Bangerz tour in the U.S. until August due to illness. However, that was just a cover up to the real story.

In fact, it is her father who has finally put his foot down and has grounded Miley for four months, which he says is about long enough to get some new costumes made that, in his words, "will bring back the Hannah Montana we all knew and loved."

Billy Ray Cyrus announced today that his daughter, Miley, won't be performing the remainder of her U.S. concerts due to the fact that he's had it with having to deal with slobbering old men attending her concerts and grabbing at her while she tries to get into her limo.

"For Chrissakes, people, she's only a child...my child!" Cyrus screamed into the mikes thrust in his face after his announcement.

For once, the overly-permissive father has taken a stand and said no more.

"We've tried time outs," said Cyrus, "and they just don't work with Miley. "She just sneaks off to practice her twerking in the studio downstairs," he said.

"Enough of the bumping and grinding already. We get it. You have a no-no down there, ok Miley?" Cyrus screamed, letting his frustrations out in no particular order.

Meanwhile, his wife Tish is devastated.

"I've been living vicariously through Miley for over two years now, and all that is coming to a screeching halt because Billy Ray has suddenly 'found Jesus...again'" said the overly indulgent Tish.

"I hate cowgirl boots, and now I'll have to wear them to every concert again," she said as she stomped out of the room.

She was so hurt, in fact, she could not finish the interview and instead went to get botox injections to ease her pain.

Asked what Miley will do this summer if she can't perform, Cyrus answered "Well, I'm thinking maybe she can go down to the local homeless shelter and help sling hash for the downtrodden."

"Like hell I will," screamed Miley from the basement.

Interestingly, this was the first interview with the entire Miley family that went fairly well for Billy Ray as he indicated, "well, at least I have a lock on the outside of the door to the 'twerk-out' room."

As a follow up to this interview, we spoke to a few people who run the homeless shelters in Los Angeles, and they admit they would love to have Miley come and help feed the homeless, "but only if she wears that hot number with the white gorilla arms."

Miley Cyrus Quotes 'Then' and 'Now'

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America's most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley's quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom.

MC Now: Well, I've been on the bottom, and I've been on the top, and I gotta tell you, I definitely like being on top better.

MC Then: I've got high standards when it comes to boys. As my dad says, all girls should! I'm from the South - Tennessee, to be exact - and down there, we're all about southern hospitality. I know that if I like a guy, he better be nice, and above all, my dad has to approve of him!

MC Now: I still have high standards. I get high as often as I can.

MC Then: I don't want to be perfect, but I do want to be a role model. My mom always tells me that imperfections equal beauty. All of us are imperfect.

MC Now: Do you realize how many 13-year olds are twerking to my songs right now?

MC Then: I need more friends. It's kind of like my quest right now just to have more true friends.

MC Now: My quest now is to get rid of the people who passed themselves off as true friends while stabbing me in the back. Hateful bitches. Where's Paris Hilton when you need her?

MC Then: There are so many people that have come up to me during our shows and tell me: 'The hour that we are watching your show is the hour that my kids are happiest and are smiling, they are laughing,' and that is what I long to do.

MC Now: There are so many married women that have come up to me during my show and tell me: "See that big, fat balding guy over there? He's my husband and you're turning him on. Stop it!"

MC Then: I always say the minute I stop making mistakes is the minute I stop learning and I've definitely learned a lot.

MC Now:  I've learned that pot mellows me out, and ecstasy makes me horny. Life is one big learning curve.

MC Then: The only people that you really have, that I learned, are your family, because they love you no matter what.

MC Now: Except maybe Aunt Martha and Uncle Don. They haven't been around to see mommy and daddy and me since I started touching myself in public.

MC Then: I'm kind of bipolar in my acting choices because I just want to do a little bit of everything.

MC Now: I'm kind of bi-sexual, and want to do a little bit of everyone.

MC Then: If I could get any animal it would be a dolphin. I want one so bad. Me and my mom went swimming with dolphins and I was like, 'How do we get one of those?' and she was like, 'You can't get a dolphin. What are you gonna do, like, put it in your pool?'

MC Now: Hey mom, like, I think Flipper needs a bigger pool.

MC Then: I love to sleep. I'd sleep all day if I could.

MC Now: I finally figured out what sleep means, and I still love to do it all day. Doesn't matter. Boy girl, girl boy, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, inanimate objects shaped like wieners...

MC Then: I told my mom, 'I'm not buying another magazine until I can get past this thought of looking like the girl on the cover'. She said, "Miley, you are the girl on the cover,' and I was, like, 'I know, but I don't feel like that girl every day.' You can't always feel perfect.

MC Now: Look mom! I'm on the cover of Hustler!

Psychic Predicts Top Entertainment News Stories of 2014

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again when the famous Psychic to the stars, Crystal Ball, gives us a peek into the future. This time, she is narrowing her predictions down to the music and entertainment industry. Ball claims that twerking (the sexually provocative dance craze sweeping the nation--at least the part of the nation that dwells in trailer parks) will, once again, dominate music headlines.

So, without further adieu, here are Crystal Ball's predictions for the top ten stories of 2014:

1.            Twerking will be added as a new category on the hit reality television series, Dancing With the Stars, and as such, the only celebrities who will agree to perform will include Brittany Spears, Perez Hilton, and several members of the Cyrus family. The gamble taken by the producers of the show on this decision will prove costly as it will spell the end of one of the best reality series on television.

2.            A tiny, four-year-old singing sensation from Boulder, Colorado, will win top prize on America's Got Talent with her adorable rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Widdle Star."

3.            A completely re-vamped Soul Train will begin production in early 2014 with hit pop star, Justin Bieber at the helm. The show will prove to be a humongous flop and producers will end up issuing a public apology to the family of the original Soul Train host, the late great Don Cornelius, for making such a bone-headed decision to hand over the reins of the show to a white kid from Canada. The new show will air only three episodes before slowly fading into obeliebion.

4.            An inebriated Billy Ray Cyrus will confront Robin Thicke early in January at a swanky Los Angeles night club and accuse Thicke of not getting properly aroused when Cyrus' daughter, Miley, twerked him during the 2013 VMA awards. Thicke has repeatedly denied not getting aroused and will eventually shake hands with Cyrus and assure him that in the future when being twerked by Miley, he will not only get aroused but will also take her on the spot to prove the nubile performer is worthy of a romp.

5.            Richard Simmons gets in on the twerking craze by announcing yet another new exercise video entitled "Twerking to the Oldies."

6.            Denver, Colorado will become the next largest music capital of the world as the first of the year sees the recreational use of marijuana legalized in that state. Musicians no longer feeling the need to hide their consumption on and off the stage will flock to Denver as their most favorite place to make music. Los Angeles and New York City will see a precipitous fall in celebrity residency forcing mayors of those cities to petition their governors to allow a referendum on legalizing the recreational use of the drug in their states as well in order to retain their fair share of the music business.

7.            Abbey Lee Miller, the extremely overweight dance instructor in the reality television series, Dance Moms, will pull a hamstring while showing her "girls" how to twerk. The episode in question will have the teen dancers twerking on young teen boys dressed like Robin Thicke, but will have to be scrapped after Miller falls on one of the boy dancers causing him serious harm.

8.            Kate Gosselin (remember her?) will try auctioning off her hair extensions to keep her and the kids out of hock until she can find another television gig or can sell another book about her once-glamorous life as a TV mom. Rumors will circulate that Kate and Jon (remember him?) will be asked to do a re-make of the 60s hit television series The Brady Bunch, if the Gosselins agree to give up two of their children.

9.             Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift tie for first place for women with most grudges held against them and decide to start a feud between themselves to even the score even more.

10.         Charlie Sheen will change his name back to Carlos Estevez, leave television for good, and run for the office of Mayor of Los Angeles. He'll win by a landslide but soon thereafter will be kicked out of office after it is learned that he bribed voters in the poorest sections of the city with booze and cigarettes.

11.         Americans will be tired of the word twerking by 12:01 a.m. January 1, 2014.

Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed "Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus." Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus.

What better way to ring in the new year than by watching a scantily clad Cyrus twerking atop the magnificent Times Square Ball which, this year, is covered in nearly 3000 Waterford Crystal triangles.

Cyrus will be wearing a specially-designed costume consisting of a beautiful white fire-proof diaper designed by an up and coming designer with Christian Dior. Her nipples will be covered with small pink pacifier pasties found at a local New York novelty store.  In addition, Cyrus will be wearing specially-designed sunglasses in the shape of 2014, which will protect her eyes from the brilliant colors projecting from the huge ball.

Cyrus' promoters claim this is going to be a stunt unrivaled even by the likes of Evel Knievel who, in his day, did his fair share of zany stunts, albeit fully clothed.

Once Cyrus lands atop One Times Square, she will then do a special twerk to the song "Auld Lang Syne, which will be played a bit more up tempo to accommodate Cyrus' 'booty-licious' gyrations.

The Times Square cam will catch the entire ride down so that people around the world can watch the redneck diva twerk her ass off.

The only people who will not be watching the festivities include those living in China, North Korea, Iran, and various other countries that do not have internet capabilities, or anyone else who sees Cyrus as a total waste of quality entertainment time.

Cyrus (famous for another ride atop a wrecking ball earlier this year) was asked what she was going to do once her performance atop the Times Square Ball has completed. She told reporters that she may just try and ride as many balls as she can before her twerking days are over.

"I always thought twerking my way to the top was the way to go," said a smiling Cyrus. "But I also think the ride down will be a total blast as well."