Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed "Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus." Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus.

What better way to ring in the new year than by watching a scantily clad Cyrus twerking atop the magnificent Times Square Ball which, this year, is covered in nearly 3000 Waterford Crystal triangles.

Cyrus will be wearing a specially-designed costume consisting of a beautiful white fire-proof diaper designed by an up and coming designer with Christian Dior. Her nipples will be covered with small pink pacifier pasties found at a local New York novelty store.  In addition, Cyrus will be wearing specially-designed sunglasses in the shape of 2014, which will protect her eyes from the brilliant colors projecting from the huge ball.

Cyrus' promoters claim this is going to be a stunt unrivaled even by the likes of Evel Knievel who, in his day, did his fair share of zany stunts, albeit fully clothed.

Once Cyrus lands atop One Times Square, she will then do a special twerk to the song "Auld Lang Syne, which will be played a bit more up tempo to accommodate Cyrus' 'booty-licious' gyrations.

The Times Square cam will catch the entire ride down so that people around the world can watch the redneck diva twerk her ass off.

The only people who will not be watching the festivities include those living in China, North Korea, Iran, and various other countries that do not have internet capabilities, or anyone else who sees Cyrus as a total waste of quality entertainment time.

Cyrus (famous for another ride atop a wrecking ball earlier this year) was asked what she was going to do once her performance atop the Times Square Ball has completed. She told reporters that she may just try and ride as many balls as she can before her twerking days are over.

"I always thought twerking my way to the top was the way to go," said a smiling Cyrus. "But I also think the ride down will be a total blast as well."

Time Square isn’t Only Ball Dropping on New Year’s Eve

According to a newly published report in the New England Journal of Medicine, men who drink more than 2-4 servings of alcohol per day—one serving equals 4 oz. wine, 12 oz. beer or ale, or 1 oz. gin, rum or other liquor--and then imbibe heavily on New Year’s Eve can expect at least one of their testicles to drop 1/32nd of an inch or roughly 0.079375 cm. each year.

In 2005, Dr. Hans Crotis, chief internist at the Hampton VA Medical Center in Hampton, VA, received a $2.4 million dollar government grant to study the effects that various drinking patterns have on a man’s reproductive organs. “Because of my own ball droppage,” said Dr. Crotis,” I had a personal interest in finding out the reason behind this physiological change in men. The best scenario to test my theory as to why men begin to show signs of early ball droppage in their 50’s was the overindulgence on New Year’s Eve. Sure, men overindulge at other times of the year, but for purposes of my study, I wanted to find men who only drink moderate amounts of alcohol during the year and then go a bit overboard at the end of the year.”

The study group consisted of 2,120 United States veterans between the ages of 22 and 34 who were paid for their participation. Each potential study member was asked to fill out a lengthy questionnaire that covered everything from medical conditions to the most important question “how much do you drink per day?” The study participants were then chosen and given a chart each year to keep track of their daily intake of alcohol. The study, which ran the course of a little over three years, from December, 2005 through March, 2009, was concluded on April 1, 2009 and results were compiled over the next few months.

Among the most astounding findings was the fact that men are not usually aware that their testicles are gradually dropping little by little “because this measurement is so minute and only affects one or the other testicle, but not both at one time.” Especially young men who are not heavy drinkers, but who still drink to the point of inebriation on New Year’s Eve may not actually notice any difference until they hit their 50’s or 60’s, when the “ball dropping” is much more noticeable. Said Dr. Crotis, “we now have a rational explanation backed up by medical research data that explains why some men’s testicles drop so much more noticeably than others in their later years.”

It has not yet been determined whether or not this change in physiology is harmful to men and therefore, until further studies can be done, Dr. Crotis advised men to continue drinking as much or as little as they like, but be aware that it may cause a good amount of droppage later on in life. He added, “if our follow up studies indicate that the droppage is indeed harmful to men and can be directly linked to their drinking of alcohol, then we will ask that warning labels be attached to wine, beer and alcohol containers to warn of the dangers that men face.”