Governor Rick Scott Getting Ready for 'Dopeheads' to Infiltrate Florida

Gov. Rick Scott Steps Off Spaceship at Fundraiser in Miami, FL

Florida Governor, Rick Scott says he is on the side of the law that says "No" to drugs. Therefore he will be voting no on Amendment 2 come November 4.

"This is being fueled by a bunch of dopeheads, and I just can't have that in my state," said the eerily calm Scott.

Scott  is taking part in the camp that believes the horror stories expounded by movies like Reefer Madness and Marihuana (both made in 1936--years before he was even born). Scott claims his older colleagues rented the movies for him to watch to drill into him the serious nature of the plant commonly known commonly as cannabis or marijuana.

After watching the movies, Scott stated "Gee, I didn't know they spelled it with an "h." Is that a Mexican thing and should I be aware of it?"

Asked if his stance would change should he or a member of his family get cancer or any other serious ailment that would warrant the use of medical marijuana to treat the symptoms of such disease and Scott replied, "Well if you put it that way," and then laughed as if to say that he believes that he and his family are impervious to serious ailments merely because they have the best health care available in the state of Florida.

"We're good," I think," said Scott, but if one of us develops any kind of back pain, we'll just go to the local pain clinic and get some pills the legal way."

Legalization of Marijuana in Washington and Colorado Causing New Housing Boom

New numbers have come out indicating that in the next year, the states of Washington and Colorado will have the highest number of home sales in the country. What makes these states so successful? The numbers indicate that it may very well be the legalization of marijuana for recreational use. Mobile home sales and lots of land alone are poised to skyrocket.

Marigold Sunshine Parker has been growing her own marijuana for decades while running the family’s mobile home park in Bremerton, Washington. She was one of the first people to light up on December 6 without fear of being arrested.

“Finally,” said Parker, 65, “I had to become a grandma before I could smoke a joint legally, but I made it,” she said, her long arthritic fingers barely able to grip the joint she was relishing. “It’s a good day to toke,” she said, but then added an ironic twist.

“All these years I was scraping by, not knowing if and when I’d ever sell a trailer to make enough to buy some pot illegally,” she said.

“Now that it’s legal, I can grow my own, and I’m selling property like crazy. When it rains, it pours, she chuckled, her blue eyes twinkling beneath an even bluer Washington sky.

Parker says that she now has a waiting list for homes in her 55+ adult mobile home community with park-like setting due to the high (no pun intended) demand from folks like her wanting to come live in the land of the free.

“And the community get-togethers are so much better now,” she beamed. “We’re like kids again,” she said, putting down her joint and taking another bite of a brownie her neighbor Harriett brought over that morning and washing it down with some home-made herbal tea.

According to last month’s records, it seems to be that way all over the state. Not only are trailer parks filling up to capacity, but sales of single-family homes, condos, co-ops and even small recreational cabins in both Washington and Colorado have almost doubled in price.

Other states in the nation are taking notice, which makes the boomers in America very happy.

Dan “Big Dan” Olsen, 63, of Yakima Mobile Home Sales had this to say “Who knew that pot would be the one thing that finally brought this country out of a slump?” Then he pumped his fist into the air and yelled “Rock on dudes,” before tending to his indoor herb garden.

In a related story, Florida was just named the unfriendliest place to relocate by AARPP (American Association of Retired Persons and Potheads) due to the strict anti-marijuana laws. Real estate prices there are expected to remain flat until legislators come to their senses.

Travelers Head to Florida to Escape Heat

Travelers all over the United States are heading to Florida in droves to escape the heat wave that is gripping the country. Hotels and motels are filling up fast, and the influx is expected to last throughout the next week to ten days.

“Lots of them are coming in from the scorched Southwest states of Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico,” said Florida’s tourist supervisor, Chuck Sandrock, who is in charge of keeping track of vacation trends. “We’ve now gone from snowbirds to firebirds, and there seems to be no let up in sight.”

In addition to the heat, it appears that incredibly strong storms known as straight-line storms are popping up everywhere except Florida, making Florida a much safer option for a week from the trauma of bad weather.

“We have the beaches surrounding us, which is a plus,” said Sandrock. "It seems the heat is sucking all the moisture out of the Gulf, making it actually safer to be in and around the Florida peninsula than anywhere else in America right now.”

Unfortunately, because of the sudden change in summer vacation plans, tempers are heating up at the airports. With airlines and car rental agencies over-booking services, it is quite possible that Florida will soon join the other states in increased heat-related deaths.

Truck Spills 55,000 Pounds of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

Bongo was specially trained for just
this type of disaster

VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL - A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95.

Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one of the worst beer spills in recent history.

The driver, Spuds Rodriguez from Miami, who suffered nothing more than a bruised ego, claims another semi forced him off the road, causing him to lose control of the truck carrying the valuable cargo. Here’s what he had to say:

“Oh mi Dios.”

Several people stopped to try and salvage what was left of the broken bottles of beer but many were so devastated, they could only stand around shaking their heads. At one point, Police had to protect Rodriguez from a growing angry mob.

One driver, who’d been training his dog Bongo for years to fetch him his beer from a fridge was the only level-headed bystander around. Police did stop him but not before he was able to get quite a bit of the unbroken bottles safely to his Jeep.

Upon word of the spill, President Obama ordered all work to stop at the White House and asked for a moment of prayer. He also asked Congress to pass an emergency measure to make May 22^nd a national day of mourning. Flags around the country were expected to fly at half mast, and it is quite possible that Bongo will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroic effort in trying to save the few beer bottles that survived the horrific crash.

Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”