British Man Vibrates at High Frequency; Flies into Crowd, Injuring 4

David McKenney, of Huntingdon, England, is in hospital today, when, for no explicable reason, he started shaking violently, lifted off the ground, and slammed into a crowd of people, injuring dozens. Four other people were injured badly enough to warrant a ride to the hospital as well.

McKenney was attending the 20th annual Cambridge Science Festival with his wife and three children when he began to feel a trembling in his shoulders. Within 20 seconds, his entire body  began to vibrate, sending him upwards and outwards into the crowd with little warning.

"I didn't know what to think," said Shirley Tremborne-Davis of Peterborough. "Damndest thing I ever saw.

"One minute, we were at the Hands-On Physics exhibit, watching a student mathematician plot the equation of a thin blue line, when all of a sudden, this man, out of nowhere just flies into the people in front of me. Thank goodness I was agile enough to jump out of the way before he hit," said Tremborne-Davis, who escaped with only a few minor scrapes.

McKenney, whose approximate weight is around 132 kg or 290 lbs, landed on two people who, along with two other people who were injured while trying to dive out of McKenney's way, were transported to hospital with various injuries.

At this time, all injured, including the human projectile, McKenney himself, were said to be in stable condition. Several others in the crowd were treated on the scene with various minor injuries including contusions, cuts and scrapes.

Several of the physicists on hand were asked if they had any idea how this man could have possibly attained such a level of vibration as to actually become airborne. One had a theory he was eager to share.

Dwayne "Donny" Brentson, the student physicist working on the thin blue line equation, said he had a theory that he was working on, and he was amazed that it could have possibly worked on Mr. McKenney.

"It's called the bobble-head theory," said Brentson.

"Mr. McKenney is a large man, and his head is abnormally large in comparison to his body. My theory is that someone possibly nudged McKenney in order to slide in front of him to get a closer look at my experiment, and this set off a small tremor in McKenney's body. This most likely caused his head to bobble side to side. The shudder became a vibration, upsetting the equilibrium in McKenney's body, and, instead of slowly equalizing itself, the vibrations became more violent, sending McKenney upward and into the crowd."

 The other physicists agreed this was the most logical explanation for the occurrence. They also said that, while rare, there have been more and more incidents of this nature lately. While they cannot say what is causing this shift in equilibrium, they were all in agreement that it could possibly have something to do with the fast food industry.

"What is interesting," said John Fittlesworth, a physics student at Cambridge, "is that not only are people's bodies getting larger due to an increased appetite for cheap, fast food, but in some, it is also causing an increase in the circumference of the head."

While the students showed concern for the injured, they were outwardly enthused at the prospect of re-creating this spectacle again in controlled experiments for next year's Science Festival.

Fittlesworth says their excitement stems from the fact that they could very well be on the threshold of finally explaining Einstein's Theory of Gravity as a distortion in the shape of space-time.

"Mr. McKenney could very well have experienced a shift into the fourth dimension," said Fittlesworth, "and we can't wait to see what else this man is capable of."

No exhibits were cancelled at the Science Festival, and it is hopeful that it will wind up Sunday without further incident.

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Ed. Note: Found another gem that I don't even remember writing, let alone figuring out what the hell I wrote. Just as well. We have enough geniuses in the world. I just like making stuff up.Let me know if you can figure it out.

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat.  Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”

Theoretical Physicist Fails to Impress America's Got Talent Judges with Wormhole Act

Editor's Note: Since America's Got Talent is currently airing a new season, thought I'd reprise this gem I wrote during last season's auditions. Wouldn't you just love to see this act in Vegas?


Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers.

“I vill attempt to proof da exeestence of vormholes by formulating da equation hopefully vidin da 90 seconts dat eest allowed me,” replied the strange little man in a heavy Swedish accent.

Piers replied, “off you go then.”

The little physicist walked up to the blackboard which had the words “Wormhole Theory” written at the top. He began writing his equation with the fury of a madman, thinking, then erasing, then thinking, then erasing, then writing, scribbling furiously to beat the 90-second clock. When time was up and he continued to write, Piers was the first one to buzz the contestant. The other judges buzzed him as well.

“Sorry, Einstein,” Piers quipped, “time’s up.”

Next it was Howie Mandel’s turn to comment, “You seen one wormhole act, you’ve seen them all,” he said as the audience booed.

Sharon Osborne was a little kinder, “I’m sorry Mr. Temporis, but this particular act just wouldn’t cut it in Vegas, but you are such a sweet man, thank you for trying out.”

With that, the contestant known as Arcus Temporis put down his chalk, walked over to the middle of the stage, appeared to be pantomiming unzipping a curtain and walked through the imaginary opening, disappearing completely from the stage.