Pope Spends Holy Weekend Fending Off Hostile Takeover of Church

A large group of German, American and Irish former altar boys, who have become rich by settling their long-standing claims of sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Church clergy, have pooled their money and asked the World Bank to back them in a bid to buy the Catholic Church.

Going by the name of GAI, the group claims, among other things, that if it were not for the abuse suffered at the hands of their beloved priests while in their formative sexual years, they would not have turned out the way they are now, i.e. most are closeted homosexuals fearful of going out into public and further spreading their gayness to other males.

The members of GAI truly believe they have been cursed with an affliction not unlike that of the lepers. They believe that if they buy the Church, keep it closed only to existing homosexuals, and not allow any new altar boys to become victims of Catholic clergy members who are lying in wait to prey on them, then the generational cycle of abuse will finally end. The existing pedophiles will simply have to make do with their circumstances and the abhorrent priests will eventually be left to feed off each other until they finally perish or go blind, whichever comes first.

Said one GAI member, “although we cannot save ourselves, we plan on cutting off the priests’ never-ending supply of fresh boys forever in an effort to put an end to this centuries-old cycle of abuse. Only then can the Catholic Church get back to the business of selling religion to the masses. It may take a few generations to get the Church back in working order. In the meantime, parishioners will have to find some other religion to fill their needs. Perhaps the Episcopalians would be generous enough to take them into their fold.”

Said one high-ranking American Catholic cardinal from Wisconsin when told of this plan, “We do not know what to make of this. I mean, what in the world could have made them think this? Sure, having a homosexual experience at an early age may confuse a young boy. I know in my case, I was extremely confused. But to say that it is an affliction? I don’t feel afflicted. Maybe conflicted, but certainly not afflicted.”