Two Guns Don’t Make a (Second Amendment) Right

So, the NRA finally came out Friday with an official response to the shooing in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. They basically said we need more citizens armed with guns so that the good guys can take out the bad guys.

As far as I’m concerned, two guns don’t make a right. Imagine arming teachers if you will. As the gunman approaches, he/she has two options…make sure the kids are protected as quickly as possible from harm, or run to his/her desk leaving the kids to fend for themselves, unlock the drawer that holds the gun (all guns should be locked up when kids are around) and get the gun out and shoot the shooter with his/her single-shot handgun.

Meanwhile, the shooter, having emptied the 30 rounds in his semi-automatic rifle, has exchanged the clip with another 30 rounds and is halfway down the hall looking for another classroom to victimize.

I find the whole idea of arming teachers ludicrous. While having an armed guard at every school may cut down on shooting attempts, it won’t stop that one gunman who doesn’t care if he’s shot to death trying to take out as many victims as he can before being stopped.

And the kids? Well, they now have to live in a world where one of the first people they see when they go into school in the morning is an armed guard in full riot gear, holding a semi-automatic rifle (after all, it’s the fire power that makes the difference), not smiling but standing ever vigilant against the next mentally ill person to try and get past him. It’s almost like the movies, only realer.

Bottom line, no guns, no deaths. Two guns don’t make it right. That’s all I have to say about the matter.

Most Church Leaders Not Looking Forward to Rapture

A recent survey of religious leaders from hundreds of Christian churches across the nation indicates a startling fact…they are not really looking forward to the Rapture. For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 150 or so years, the Rapture is to occur during the second coming of Christ when true believers are swept up to escape the tribulation, or something like that.

Anyway, who knew that some Christian leaders are not so keen on the idea of a rapture of their congregations?

“We were looking forward to donations from these folks for at least a few more years,” said Father James David of the Apostolic Christian Christ’s Holy Christian Temple in Farnsmore, Indiana.

“We’ve been counting on renovating the Church basement since last spring when the sump pump went out and de-lectrified all our appliances and left a gaping hole in the middle of the dining hall.”

Other pastors who completed the survey had similar tales of woe. “You can’t do God’s work if God’s taking the money to heaven,” claimed one particularly distraught minister from Minnesota who admits the time just seemed to get away from him and he hadn’t realized the end times were upon us.

“Not to worry,” says one Biblical scholar who has been studying the Bible for years.

“While we don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet, it would appear that the ‘rapture’ as it is being taught today is merely a made-up event to keep us Christians on the straight and narrow.”

This scholar warns us against false prophesies and assures everyone that the chances of a parishioner getting hit by a bus or dying of a heart attack are far more likely than them being swept up by Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior.

According to his research, the word rapture doesn’t even appear in the King James version of the Bible and in fact, the doctrine of the rapture may have first been propagated by an English Presbyterian preacher named Edward Irving in the 1830’s.

One Baptist minister from Oklahoma, however, claims he has no problems whatsoever with the rapture, as he has already planned ahead one way or the other.

“I ain’t taking no chances. I’ve got all my parishioners’ promises in writing to leave everything they own to the Church before they go to the great beyond,” which begs the question…if the pastor believes in the rapture, and more importantly, if he’s swept up to heaven with Jesus, who’ll be left to spend it?

Pennsylvania Woman Hospitalized After Opening Gift Box Shipped by Sister

Helen Sewickly from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is resting comfortably in Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Memorial Hospital after receiving cuts and lacerations while opening a box she received from her sister Hermoine from Hershey. A family spokesperson says that the box was packed so tight that when the packing tape was removed from the top, the contents of the box sprang up into Helen’s face causing non-life-threatening injuries.

 “I always knew something like this would happen sooner or later,” said Helen from her comfortable hospital bed, one eye still swollen shut.

“Hermoine has always prided herself for getting the most things in the smallest amount of space. I remember a couple of summers ago she was moving some of her things into a storage unit over at Honest Abe’s Store ‘n More, and even Abe couldn’t believe how much stuff that girl stuffed into his smallest unit, a 3 x 5 ft. space. 

“Who knew mattresses could bend like that.”

Winnie Spurlock, a family friend who happened to be visiting Helen, shook her head in agreement. 

“I remember when the Post Office came up with those pre-priced priority shipping boxes,” said Winnie. 

“Hermoine even came up with a jingle for them that went something like: ‘If it fits, it ships…’”

“That’s the rhyme from the commercial you ding-a-ling,” said Helen as she wiped a bit of dribble from her lacerated lip.

Ms. Swickly is expected to spend another day in the hospital for observation but is otherwise expected to make a full recovery and make it back home in time for Christmas.

Meanwhile, her brother, Herbert has been notified not to take any chances. His box from Hermoine is tucked away in a corner of his garage until he gets the go ahead from his sister that it is safe to open.