States Unwittingly Promote Masturbation by Prohibiting Gateway Sexual Activity

SALT LAKE CITY - In a poll taken of students in several states including Utah and Wisconsin, where new laws have been enacted to promote abstinence only as a way to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it was discovered that masturbation has sharply increased.

Lawmakers in several states have taken up the cause of dictating what can and cannot be taught to students in sex education classes. Many of those lawmakers claim that abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. But now, they are taking their Victorian-era ideas one step further.

“These kids need to be taught to keep their hands to themselves,” said Tennessee state legislator, Markus Mark. “It all starts with a little flirtation, then there’s hand holding and kissing, and before you know it, they’re doing the boinkety-boink in the back seat of daddy’s car. Nosiree, we ain’t having none of that,” he said sternly.

Last month a bill was passed in Utah that basically told schools they have the right to opt out of sex education, while prohibiting any talk about pre-marital sex or homosexuality. The bill said nothing about masturbation, however.

Utah lawmaker, Morton Kemper was asked about the apparent loophole in the law he helped push through the Utah Senate.

“Listen, as long as they ain’t touchin’ each other, I don’t have a problem at all with them touchin’ themselves all they want. At least they ain’t spreading any deadly diseases or making babies our taxpayers are gonna end up having to support.”

In a related story, the sports department of Morgan High School in Morgan, Utah has been ordered to change the name of its football team.

“For obvious reasons,” said Morgan High School Principal, Mavis Tingly, “we can no longer call ourselves the ‘Home of the Trojans.’”

Scott Walker’s Wife Withholds Sex Over War on Women’s Rights

MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a little ‘blue’ these days since his wife decided to take a stand against her husband’s continuing attack on women’s rights.

At the annual Maple Bluff Garden Club meeting on Friday, the first lady of Wisconsin told her close friends that certain actions by her husband of late—well actually, every since she’s known him—have finally pushed her over the edge.

Tonette Walker, or ‘Toni’ as she’s known throughout the local social scene, hinted to fellow Garden Club members that her ‘flower garden’ is off limits to her husband until he gets a clue as to how important women’s rights are in this country.

Toni claims it is the first time she’s ever taken a stand against her husband; but, after noting the underhanded way Walker secretly signed a bill into law which would strip women of their right to equal pay, she realized he could do the same to her if they ever divorced.

“Why, he could be squirreling money away right now as we speak, and I’d never know about it,” said Toni, who added tearfully “It’s not all roses living with a political heavyweight,” as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Ironically, the same day the Governor signed the bill to repeal the 2009 Equal Pay Enforcement Act, he also signed into law a bill requiring schools that teach sex education to stress abstinence, not contraceptives, as the only way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Avid Golfer Vilifies Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine.

Clerk: “So, ma’am, are you looking to replace one of your irons or is this a gift?”

Woman: “Oh, neither,” she said. “I don’t golf.”

Mac leaned in, intent on knowing just what, then, this woman was doing in such a holy place if she, in fact, was not a golfer.

“I’m just so afraid of guns,” she told the clerk, who by now looked extremely puzzled.

“But one whack of this sucker upside the head,” said the woman, lifting the 9 iron she had chosen to purchase, “and it’s adios Mr. Burglar.”

The woman then paid her money and left.

“If she’s going to desecrate a sport,” said Mac angrily as he approached the counter with his own purchase, “why the hell didn’t she just go out and buy a baseball bat?”

And added, as he finalized his own purchase, “This is the precise reason the Augusta National Golf Club doesn’t allow women as members.”