Spousal Rape: An Old Wife's Tale

Old wives and not-so-old wives from around the globe are chiming in on VA State Senator Richard "Dick" Black's assessment on rape in the marital bedroom. Black claims that rape in the bedroom is not a punishable crime due to the fact that the couple sleep together and well, dammit, the man is entitled to take what is his.

Marilyn Notsfast, an old housewife from Roanoke, VA gave her reasons why she says Black is right, just not in a logical sense. It must be noted that for years, Notsfast's neighbors have thought the kindly old widow a pleasure to be around but not that bright. But as her story unfolds, we can see the woman is, to quote George W. Bush, sorely mis-underestimated.

"Hell, us old wives made up that tale about going to jail for rape to scare our husbands off'n our sorry, beat up bodies because we'd had enough of their whining about not getting enough," she said.

"Truth be told, the only reason we put out in the first place is to get some bread and egg money ev'ry Friday night on paydays," she acknowledged. 

But Notsfast, a self-proclaimed 'divorced' widow going on eight years now said her then husband Harvey, was a hard one to please.

"He was a sly one, that Harvey," said Marilyn.

"He caught on real fast that I didn't have that many headaches, and when his dry-humping the pillows next to me didn't get my attention, he'd just start taking, as Harvey crowed to his poker buddies, what was rightfully his."

Marilyn said he took his share one too many times, and she said he also took a few things from her that she wasn't willing to give, "namely my self-esteem, my love for love-making, and most of all, my reason for living," said the 68-year old Notsfast.

"...and that's when he got a nighttime cock-tail that helped him sleep real good."

Notsfast isn't afraid to tell her tale now that Dick Black has told his.

"I ain't afraid to tell you what happened that night when I snapped, and I'll tell you why," she said.

"Two reasons. First of all, he had it coming to him for many a year, and like I said to the po-lice when they asked me if I had anything to do with his death. I told them, 'nope. He dun it all to hisself.'"

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration.

An unidentified aide spoke on the condition of anonymity about how Strauss-Kahn was feeling upon his release. “He is elated. What dumb luck he had choosing this particular victim. Turns out, she was seeking asylum in America and had a few skeletons in her closet regarding her alien status,” said Jacques Laffoon, Strauss-Kahn’s personal assistant. “Not only that,” he said, “but she took too much time to think about whether or not to report the rape, leading prosecutors to doubt her sincerity about the crime.”

Laffoon claims the victim’s lies have all but ruined her case. “Dominique could not have chosen a better victim if he tried,” Laffoon said proudly.

Asked if the forensic evidence found in at the scene of the alleged crime corroborating the maid’s story that she was brutally raped by Strauss-Kahn regardless of the lies attributed to her didn’t worry his boss just a tad, Laffoon laughed and said “No, not in the least.”

“You obviously do not know how much trouble we have gone to to discredit this woman. We were lucky that she lied about so many things. Who cares if there is physical evidence of an alleged rape. Who is going to believe a liar? For all we know, she probably bruised her own vagina.”

Laffoon did state that he wonders when Strauss-Kahn’s luck will run out. “One of these days Dom is going to rape a woman who has a squeaky clean past and who is willing to stand up for herself. Thank goodness, the woman at present isn’t able to do that. 

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls "a series of events that caused him to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages.”

Marzetti says Fuctwidder came close to blinding him when she sprayed cheap, smelly perfume in his face to get him to stop assaulting her behind the Snooker Inn in Sayreville, NJ last November. That’s not all. Debilitated and disoriented from the spray, Marzetti crashed headfirst into a dumpster and passed out. When he came to, he was in a holding cell at the Essex County Jail surrounded by 3 very large fellow offenders who were in the process of readying themselves to take advantage of Marzetti as jailers looked on.

Evidently, the scent that Fuctwidder sprayed on Marzetti set off some pretty strong sexual feelings in Marzetti’s fellow cellmates and by the time he was able to fight them off, he had suffered horrible pain not to mention incredible embarrassment.

“Jesus,” he said. I was brought into the station smelling like a French whore and the damned police threw me into the cell thinking what? That the smell would be offensive to my fellow inmates? Right, it set off a fuc*ing midnight rendezvous is what it did.”

When reached to comment about the lawsuit, Donna wouldn’t say much except to explain why she used spray perfume and not pepper spray to fend off her attacker. “I was out with a couple of friends that night to shoot some pool and have a few beers. I always carry my Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray with me when I go out with the girls cause you never know who you’ll meet.

Anyway, Handsome and me had just finished dancing to Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead or Alive,’ and he asked me to go out back with him and have a smoke. He seemed nice enough so I said ok. Next thing I know, he’s pushing me down and jumping on top of me. I had my bag with me and tried to hit him with it but it just made him madder so I pretended to give in while I felt around in my purse for the only spray I had, that Musk perfume. Man, I sprayed the fuc* outta him.”

When asked what went through her mind when she found out that Handsome was taking her to court on pain and suffering charges, she just laughed. “What did I think? I’ll tell you what I thought. I thought good for me, let Sir Humpalot try and sue me. Every woman should carry around a bottle of Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray in her bag, ya know? Handsome got what he deserved and no court in hell is gonna take his side in no stupid lawsuit. And that’s all I gotta say. I’m late goin’ to meet the girls at the Snook.”