California District Court Ruling Clears Way for Satire-fueled Lawsuits

In what was hailed as a landmark decision, the US District Court for the Central District of California, Los Angeles, decided in the case of Shatner vs. Buttick, that the use of satire is a form of assault that can cause immeasurable harm to an entertainer’s psyche, and as such, satirists can now be sued not only for libel but assault as well.

The original lawsuit was filed by William Shatner against Zefron Buttick in Los Angeles Superior Court way back in 2004 when Shatner suffered extreme embarrassment and loss of employment due to Buttick’s series of stories attacking Shatner for everything from being a homosexual to accusing him of stealing other people’s writings for his spoken word albums. All of it was done under the guise of satire.

Celebrities in Los Angeles and all over the country were said to be elated with the ruling. Said Ricky Martin, “this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My only regret is that I should have waited to ward off the onslaught of negative press about my coming out instead of opting for going public and taking my knocks.”

Some celebrities, however, were upset to hear the news. Film star, Pauly Shore, is threatening to file his own lawsuit to have the Shatner suit overturned. Said Shore, “I’ve tried everything, including making a movie where I fake my own death, and nothing gets a rise out of anyone. With this recent ruling, I may as well just fake my own death again, cause this is sure to put the final nail in the coffin that houses my career.”

Meanwhile, satirists nationwide are scheduling meetings with their attorneys to figure out what they can do to side-step this ruling. Many are so used to making fun of things that they are satirizing the very Judges who ruled on the case, which might not be such a smart move in the grand scheme of things.

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls "a series of events that caused him to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages.”

Marzetti says Fuctwidder came close to blinding him when she sprayed cheap, smelly perfume in his face to get him to stop assaulting her behind the Snooker Inn in Sayreville, NJ last November. That’s not all. Debilitated and disoriented from the spray, Marzetti crashed headfirst into a dumpster and passed out. When he came to, he was in a holding cell at the Essex County Jail surrounded by 3 very large fellow offenders who were in the process of readying themselves to take advantage of Marzetti as jailers looked on.

Evidently, the scent that Fuctwidder sprayed on Marzetti set off some pretty strong sexual feelings in Marzetti’s fellow cellmates and by the time he was able to fight them off, he had suffered horrible pain not to mention incredible embarrassment.

“Jesus,” he said. I was brought into the station smelling like a French whore and the damned police threw me into the cell thinking what? That the smell would be offensive to my fellow inmates? Right, it set off a fuc*ing midnight rendezvous is what it did.”

When reached to comment about the lawsuit, Donna wouldn’t say much except to explain why she used spray perfume and not pepper spray to fend off her attacker. “I was out with a couple of friends that night to shoot some pool and have a few beers. I always carry my Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray with me when I go out with the girls cause you never know who you’ll meet.

Anyway, Handsome and me had just finished dancing to Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead or Alive,’ and he asked me to go out back with him and have a smoke. He seemed nice enough so I said ok. Next thing I know, he’s pushing me down and jumping on top of me. I had my bag with me and tried to hit him with it but it just made him madder so I pretended to give in while I felt around in my purse for the only spray I had, that Musk perfume. Man, I sprayed the fuc* outta him.”

When asked what went through her mind when she found out that Handsome was taking her to court on pain and suffering charges, she just laughed. “What did I think? I’ll tell you what I thought. I thought good for me, let Sir Humpalot try and sue me. Every woman should carry around a bottle of Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray in her bag, ya know? Handsome got what he deserved and no court in hell is gonna take his side in no stupid lawsuit. And that’s all I gotta say. I’m late goin’ to meet the girls at the Snook.”