Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.”

In an effort to override the popularity of other doll series that now take on a more urban persona, come equipped with hip-hop clothing and accessories, and which now indicate what Patriate Pride views as a decaying set of morals than when previously introduced, the Pretty Pride doll line features good looking Americans with picture perfect families. Patriate Pride hopes these new dolls will appeal to those seeking the throwback days of the ‘50’s, where mom stayed at home and cared for the family while dad went off to work every day; where everyone went to church on Sunday; and when God and Country were separate but equally respected when we put our hands over our hearts to recite the hallowed Pledge of Allegiance,” as one company spokesperson put it.

Clay and Sally Parsons, originators of the Patriate Pride line of dolls believe that this is an idea whose time has come. “It’s about taking our country back, and we have to teach our children what real homespun values are,” said Clay. “We’ve had enough of that free-wheeling progressive way of doing things and it’s time we pulled the reins in and went back to a time when morality wasn’t just something we talked about, but something we fervently believe in and practice daily. It is never too late to repent,” said Sally.

When asked specifically what it was that the Parsons didn’t like about the present offering of dolls on the market, both let out a laugh at the same time. “How much time do you have?” asked Clay. “There are so many things wrong with the dolls on the market today from having one line of doe-eyed dolls dressing like Saturday night hookers to giving Barbie a boombox and calling her Rappin’, Rockin’ Barbie. Barbie went from the girl next door to having a visibly pregnant friend, Midge.” Said Sally. “We felt it was time to bring Barbie back into the fold by introducing her to some wholesome females again.” When reminded that Midge was actually married and already had kids and was part of the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood, Sally had this to say:

“Sure, there’s the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood series, but again, the manufacturers missed the mark by including other children of mixed racial backgrounds in with the Barbie family package. I’m sure the parents of some of those kids are probably separated or divorced and we just don’t want that to be the case in the Pretty Pride series. That’s when we decided it was time to develop a line of dolls for our friends’ and family’s kids that speak to the good old-fashioned WWJD values we grew up on,” said Sally, totally not understanding the irony in that statement.

Clay confirmed that Michele will be the predominant doll in the Pretty Pride series. “We fashioned the Michele doll after someone who holds family values and Christianity dear to her heart, and we believe she embodies the only true American belief system.” The Michele doll comes dressed in a Chanel suit, pearl necklace, white gloves and carries a Bible. Other dolls in the Michele line include her husband, Marcus, her own five children, and of course 23 foster children.

“Some folks say we chose Michele because of how many dolls we can actually make money off of due to her fostering talents in real life,” said Sally. We didn’t really think about that when first coming up with the Pretty Pride dolls, but now that you mention it, those foster kids really will make us some money hopefully. That is what is so great about this line, it is so life-like.”

Patriate Pride is hoping this initial doll offering will take off and if it does well, they will introduce the other premiere doll of the series fashioned after Sarah Palin. The doll “Sarah” will come dressed in a designer dress with the tag still attached and hip waders, carrying a fishing pole in one hand, and a copy of the Constitution in the other.

Asked if they were considering adding an Alan Keyes doll or a Michael Steele doll to the line, they agreed it wasn’t out of the question to have a few “token” conservative dolls to round out the collection, but didn’t see it happening in the foreseeable future.

Asked if the Parsons felt that their Patriate Pride doll line may upset many progressives, they both agreed that this is something they just felt God called them to do and if it upsets the progressives, then so be it. Do they have any regrets then? Clay answered. “The only thing we regret is that Michele is a working mom. If she would just give up her day job and be a stay-at-home mom like Sarah has done, that would perfectly round out this particular play set.”

“Only in a perfect world,” sighed Sally. “Only in a perfect world.”