Alien Rays from Sun Destroying Plant Life on Earth

According to the monthly magazine, True Alien Stories, there have been several reports coming in from all over the country from people who are complaining plants in their gardens are being zapped from sun rays resulting in destruction of everything from eggplants to ornamentals.

Doris Higginbotham, who lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida, and the only person reporters could find, who had actual proof of the rays, says her herb garden is a mess due to the alien rays and every time she digs the destroyed plants up and re-plants them, the same thing happens.

“I’ve re-planted my basil and thyme at least three times this year only to see them dead in the garden bed,” said Higginbotham. She claims the only possible explanation is the alien rays and she has proof.

“I live right on the ocean in a condo. I went out one day to take a picture of an unusual plant that had a stalk growing out of the middle of it,” said the 80-year old woman.

“When I uploaded the picture on my computer, there were rays coming directly from the sun and shining down on the unusual plant. Three days later, the plant was dead.”

Asked if Mrs. Higginbotham later went out to take a picture of the dead plant for proof, she replied she did but was told the City had already removed the plant.

“It was on City property,” said Higginbotham, “and don’t you know that right when you want your City to leave things alone is the time they come out and do their jobs.”

Unfortunately, the City employee who was assigned to remove dead plants along the shoreline that week was out on disability leave due to an as yet unnamed rash.

“I wouldn’t doubt the poor fella got the rash from the alien rays,” said Higginbotham.

“I’m just lucky to be alive. From now on, I’ll only go outside when the sun is behind my building. You just don’t know when the aliens are going to attack again.”

Asked if Higginbotham had actual proof that alien sun rays were destroying her herb garden, she replied “no.” Asked if there could be another possible explanation for the death of her herbs, Mrs. Higginbotham was adamant it had to be alien rays, after reading the story about the rays in True Alien Stories.

As the reporter was packing up his equipment in Mrs. Higginbotham’s back yard, Mrs. Higginbotham was shooing the neighbor’s cat from her garden.

“Darned cats. Don’t you know, I just cannot keep them from shi**ing in my garden.

Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. “It was the craziest 72 hours of our lives, but eventually Mr. Perry showed back up on Tuesday morning bright and early, ready to work” said Perry’s top aide Dusty Trail, who turned his face upward toward the heavens and exclaimed “Thank you, Jesus,” a tear trickling down his cheek.

Asked if Perry was acting peculiar upon his reappearance, Trail said he didn’t notice anything way out of the ordinary except for wads of cash sticking out of the pockets of Perry’s new expensive suit. “All I know is, Mr. Perry left the office on Friday in a regular off-the-rack suit from Men’s Warehouse and when he came back Tuesday, he was wearing Armani and throwing twenties at the staff. He was flush with cash.

An almost similar incident played out in Virginia when Bob McDonnell arrived on time Tuesday morning to put in a full day’s work at the governor’s mansion.

The mystery was eventually solved when both governors got back to their offices and started unpacking their swag bags filled with expensive promotional items such as pen sets, coasters, stress relievers, and koozies emblazoned with the name “Koch Industries.”

To the relief of staff members and family, neither Perry nor McDonnell were actually abducted by aliens but, in fact, had secretly attended a lavish Koch Summit in Colorado to meet with some of the wealthiest conservative donors in America.

While, the men’s families were happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound, several of Perry’s family members were a bit disappointed that he’d not been raptured. “There’s no man in Texas more deserving of rapture than Rick Perry,” said his wife.