Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can't pay his mounting debt and therefore won't be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world.

"Do you know how much an ounce of pixie dust costs these days?" asked a forlorn Santa. This reporter had no idea as pixie dust isn't traded on the stock exchange, but Santa claims that having to buy it at a premium this year has been partially to blame for his decision to throw in the towel and admit defeat. That, and the fact that earlier this year, Standard and Poor's downgraded Santa Claus International's credit rating to a B minus, causing investors to pull out and put their money in other ventures.

This financial hit forced St. Nick to lay off over half his elves and ship production to many of his toys to China. Santa noted that it pains him to see so many favorites like Lincoln logs and the game Twister now bearing the stamp, Made in China.

"And here's the real kicker," said Santa.

"The Chinese government holds a good portion of my debt and they have decided this year to call in their chips. So, even though they are the ones making my toys, they still can't find it in their hearts to forgive some of my debt to keep Santa Claus International afloat."

Santa believes the President of the People's Republic of China is getting back at him for a slight that happened many years ago when he, Xi Jinping was eight years old.

"I remember Xi very well," said Santa. "He wanted a toy convertible car. All we could come up with was a wooden truck that was hand-made by one of our elves. Of course, I knew this wouldn't satisfy the privileged youth, but what could I do? We didn't receive his letter until late in the season and we had to improvise. Little did I know that one little mistake in judgment would come back to bite me in the ass years later."

Back to Santa's woes, the jolly fat man says he does have a couple of tricks left up his sleeve to save Christmas, but it is a long shot.

"Our storehouse at the North Pole is filled to the rafters with toys that, while overnight sensations of their time, never really had staying power. We have about 500,000 or so pet rocks, a million and a half mood rings, and thousands of bootleg Tickle Me Elmos, among other discontinued items. The thing is, giving these out to kids who nowadays are expecting much more exciting gifts may do more to harm the holiday than to help keep it from going belly under."

And then there is 'Duck Dynasty.' Santa claims that the producers at A&E have told him they are sitting on a ton of unsold duck calls, bobble head figures, and Chia pet Si Robertsons. With the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson's recent comments regarding gays and slaves, A&E isn't sure it can rid the stuff quick enough. Walmart seems to be the only major chain that hasn't stopped selling Duck Dynasty promotional products. A&E has offered the whole lot to Santa for less than cost, but they haven't heard back from the beleaguered elf as of the filing of this report.

The Trustee assigned to Santa Claus International's bankruptcy case says that while Santa is never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (no pun intended), taking gifts from a group of biased duck hunters is entirely a different story.

So, the question on everyone's mind is "will Santa Claus International be able to survive Chapter 11 bankruptcy in time to ready itself for Christmas 2014? Short of a bi-partisan effort to save Christmas, most financial prognosticators say probably not.

But there is hope, say most Christian religious leaders. After all, Santa was never the reason for the season in the first place.

Santa Denied Access into Arizona on Christmas Eve

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County have joined forces this holiday season to make sure that Santa doesn’t invade their state without proper documentation. The move came about when Brewer was advised that many department stores in the state had hired undocumented workers to play Santa this year despite strict immigration laws recently enacted.

“Who wants to ask Santa for his papers?” said one store manager after being asked what he thought of Brewer’s decision to ban Santa from coming into Arizona.

“We have it on good authority that Santa’s passport has expired, as has his Visa,” said Charlotte Grinchley, Governor Brewer’s closest advisor. “For this reason, we are not taking any chances with anyone who sports a red suit and white beard in this state, including the original Santa,” said Grinchley.”

State governors from the other 49 states in the union have all signed special last-minute exceptions to allow Santa entry with the promise that he take care of the visa issue immediately come December 26^th, but Brewer wasn’t budging.

While the North Pole, where Santa is officially from, is not owned by any country, and therefore anyone who lives there should be able to pass through the United States without a visa, Brewer isn’t buying it.

“If on foot, the man would have to pass through Canada and by doing so, he’d have to show a visa to lawfully enter the United States,” said a huffy Brewer, pointing her finger at her own Attorney General, who had put a piece of legislation in front of her to sign which would allow Santa entry into Arizona regardless of his immigration status.

“I’ve instructed Sheriff Joe to keep a close lookout on the skies tonight to make sure that undocumented jolly, fat elf doesn’t touch down anywhere in my state,” said Brewer.

So what are the kids of Arizona getting for Christmas if Santa Claus won’t be coming to town? No one knows, but it is pretty much a safe bet that Brewer and Arpaio will both be getting lumps of coal in their stockings.

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa.

Cheney has received quite a bit of criticism lately from people in his book such as Condoleezza Rice and Gen. Colin Powell for what they consider outright lies about his tenure as Vice President of the United States.

Dressed in fatigues and looking quite a bit more robust than in recent memory, Cheney gave the small crowd gathered a dressing down for not understanding the importance of killing everyone in our path who does not adhere to our strict democratic doctrines.

“We’ve become a nation of ‘givers,’” said Cheney. “Don’t you know that the more you give, the more you create a dependency on yourself?” Cheney said Santa Claus was a good example of a bad example in this regard.

“I don’t know who came up with the idea of some stranger breaking into our homes and leaving stuff behind for kids without them having to work for it, but whoever it was is an idiot,” he proclaimed. “My kids didn’t get Christmas presents and neither do my grandkids. Instead, I wake them up on Christmas morning and make them watch war movies for 12 hours,” said Cheney. “Just ask my grandkids and they can recite the lines from any one of Charlton Heston’s films. Now that guy is a hero and he doesn’t need a belly like a bowlful of jelly to get my respect.”