Santa Denied Access into Arizona on Christmas Eve

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County have joined forces this holiday season to make sure that Santa doesn’t invade their state without proper documentation. The move came about when Brewer was advised that many department stores in the state had hired undocumented workers to play Santa this year despite strict immigration laws recently enacted.

“Who wants to ask Santa for his papers?” said one store manager after being asked what he thought of Brewer’s decision to ban Santa from coming into Arizona.

“We have it on good authority that Santa’s passport has expired, as has his Visa,” said Charlotte Grinchley, Governor Brewer’s closest advisor. “For this reason, we are not taking any chances with anyone who sports a red suit and white beard in this state, including the original Santa,” said Grinchley.”

State governors from the other 49 states in the union have all signed special last-minute exceptions to allow Santa entry with the promise that he take care of the visa issue immediately come December 26^th, but Brewer wasn’t budging.

While the North Pole, where Santa is officially from, is not owned by any country, and therefore anyone who lives there should be able to pass through the United States without a visa, Brewer isn’t buying it.

“If on foot, the man would have to pass through Canada and by doing so, he’d have to show a visa to lawfully enter the United States,” said a huffy Brewer, pointing her finger at her own Attorney General, who had put a piece of legislation in front of her to sign which would allow Santa entry into Arizona regardless of his immigration status.

“I’ve instructed Sheriff Joe to keep a close lookout on the skies tonight to make sure that undocumented jolly, fat elf doesn’t touch down anywhere in my state,” said Brewer.

So what are the kids of Arizona getting for Christmas if Santa Claus won’t be coming to town? No one knows, but it is pretty much a safe bet that Brewer and Arpaio will both be getting lumps of coal in their stockings.

Chief Standing Wolf Takes on Rush Limbaugh After 'Injuns' Comment

FORT APACHE, Arizona - Watch out Rush Limbaugh. Chief Standing Wolf, who earlier this year made certain promises to rid Arizona of non-Native Americans if they didn’t repeal their white man laws allowing only English-speaking people in their state, is on the war path again. This time, it’s Rush Limbaugh that has the Apache leader seeing red.

Standing Wolf spoke on Fort Apache radio station WIND (INDigenous Radio): “A man named Rush is worthy of his name. He rushes to judgment of a people who are proud. We do not care for his words. We will stand against his words. One day, Rush, you will understand the true way, and when you do, it will be too late.”

Upon hearing  Standing Wolf’s words, Rush Limbaugh said “what?” due to the fact that he doesn’t speak Apache. However, he then just laughed it off, lit another cigar and went onto his next topic, those worthless Meshicanos. Said Rush “why do I waste my time on the Injuns when there are just so many others to attack. I say to Standing Wolf, ‘sir, until you become a pale face and embrace the white man’s way, you won’t have two buffalo nickels to rub together,” to which he added “that ought to make that Injun think twice about taking on ole Chief Rush Limbaugh.”

American Expatriates in Mexico Feeling Sting of Arizona Law

Todos Santos, Mexico - American baby boomers, flush with money, have been making their way down to Mexico’s Baja coast for a decade or more as expatriates trying to escape the high cost of living in the United States. They’re doing anything they can to make their retirement dollars stretch while, at the same time, enjoying a better-than-average lifestyle by the ocean. So you can understand why they are more than a little peeved at their cousins still in the north, back in Arizona, who have taken it upon themselves to make things very difficult for Americans choosing to live south of the border.

Case in point, Todos Santos. The expatriates who have found this lovely place are happy for it not to become another Cabo San Lucas, with it’s exhorbitant food and drink prices, cruise ships full of pushy tourists, and hotels blocking the lovely sea view. But the Mexicans are angry at America right now and are realizing that the best way they can get back at them is to invite them onto their lovely beaches and then over-charge them for everything from a banana to a cabana.

Syliva Brownstead of Hoboken, New Jersey says she is heartbroken over Arizona’s recent decision to make it difficult for anyone of Hispanic descent, particularly, to go about their daily business in that state. “I think the law just stinks.”

When told that most non-Hispanic Arizonans were happy with the law and that it was refreshing to see someone sticking up for the Mexicans for a change, she replied, “Mexicans, Schmexicans, the law stinks because it’s causing me so much agita down here. I used to go down to the beach in the morning and get a couple of breakfast tacos for the equivalent of around twenty-five cents. Now they’re charging two bucks for each. And on Margarita Mondays, we used to get two for one. Now we’re lucky to get one for less than $5.00 a pop, and that’s with third-shelf tequila.”

Joe Bendover, from Providence, Rhode Island agrees. “Up north, we’d have to always eat dinner in the late afternoon to take advantage of early-bird prices. Came down here and we were able to relax on the beach all day and then take our time getting ready for dinner at the local cantina around 6:30 or 7 p.m. and enjoy a fantastic meal for a half of what the early-bird prices were in America. But not anymore, last Tuesday I see a sign that says early-bird dinner 3-4 p.m. and a price that was fifty cents less than the regular menu. Great, you say, right? Sure, except that the regular menu is now double what it was last week. Thanks a lot, Arizona, you buncha bazookas.”

But the real story down here is the attitude. Says Brownstone, “I used to get a criada (maid) to come to my hacienda two times a week and she’d clean my entire house for around $7 each day, with a smile on her face, no less. Great money for her and I had more time at the beach. But no more. Now, if I want someone to come do my cleaning, I have to hire one of the other expatriate women who are low on cash due to rising prices to clean for me and I’m lucky to get them to come once a month, let alone twice a week. And their going rate is $25 an hour! I may as well move back to Jersey.”

“The Mexican women have all banded against us and have realized that they can make more money cleaning local hotels now that the rates have risen through the ceiling. Let me tell you, you’re better off cleaning your own house if all you can get is another American to do it.”

On Second Thought, Arizona Governor Tweaks Immigration Law

Phoenix, AZ – In case you’ve been hiding out on a desert island for the past few weeks and haven’t been privy to a computer, newspaper or television, last week, Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, signed into law a bill that significantly toughened Arizona’s stand against illegal immigrants taking up residence or passing through the state.

And then, all hell broke loose. The fallout from this bill is being heard all over the world actually, not just in the United States. In order to quell some of the mocking criticisms leveled at the Governor and legislators who came up with this brilliant piece of legislation, the Governor has signed some changes into the law, which we’ve listed here.

The bill now makes it perfectly clear that racial profiling will not be tolerated and therefore, a police officer cannot stop anyone based solely on the fact that they are deemed to be Hispanic and/or illegally Hispanic in nature. However, if the person is caught engaging in an activity that may be determined to be illegal, they can question said (Hispanic) person, even if the police officer himself is Hispanic.

Some real laws still on Arizona books that Hispanics may want to bone up on in order to stay on the right side of the law are:

*Donkeys can’t sleep in bathtubs (however, the law does not specifically include asses, nor does it preclude shower stalls).

*If someone is thirsty, you cannot refuse them a glass of water (that includes the police officer who is tailing you)

*In Nogales, you may not wear suspenders (this one, we have to agree with).

*When protesting in Prescott, you may not ride your horse (or donkey or someone else’s ass presumably) on the County Courthouse steps.

*In Tucson, women may not wear pants. (Although this one sounds out of date, it’s still a smart move for all Hispanic women in Tucson to wear skirts. And to be on the safe side, Hispanic men should not wear dresses.)

Another change to the Bill requires that all legal immigrants carry their alien registration documents with them at all times. We’re assuming the lawmakers are under the assumption that at some time or another, legal immigrants will do something illegal and get stopped and be required to prove their residency status to the officer who stopped them.

Specifically mentioned in news reports discussing the the bill changes is the ability of law enforcement officers to stop anyone on the suspicion of loitering. So, to be safe, if you are a legal immigrant in Arizona, and are not in a car, but find yourself walking down a public street, do not stop to talk to friends, ask directions, reach down to pick up a heads-up penny, or any number of other things that would make you appear to be loitering, unless, of course, you have your green card or complete portfolio of documents with you to prove that you are either a legal alien or in the process of getting legalized. Be aware, however, that although you will most likely be released to continue on your way, you will probably still be charged with loitering and for that, you will have to seek legal counsel.

And finally, beginning Monday, all Hispanic men, women and children who are legal residents of Arizona will be required to wear orange jumpsuits in order to cut down on lawsuits associated with complaints of racial profiling. “If our Hispanic residents wish to make this immigration reform process go smoother, we believe they won’t mind wearing clothing that will assist the men and women in law enforcement in making the right snap decisions, instead of relying on their intuitions, which may ultimately result in making wrong assumptions based solely on looks,” said a governor’s spokesperson.