Vladimir Putin Wins First Gold Medal of the Olympics

Vladimir Putin (middle) competing in the 5-man, 3-horse
pole vault event at the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, well-known around the world for his affinity for winning at all costs, won the very first gold medal of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, and, of course, the first gold medal for Mother Russia.

Putin had originally planned to sit the Olympics out, but when he saw that his fellow Russians weren't doing well in one competition, the one-man luge, ice dance, snowball shot put triathlon, he decided to declare himself a team member, grabbed a Snickers bar, and handily won the event. Putin finished in record time, while earning a 9.8 from the judges on the dance portion of the competition. He threw the shot put just shy of a world record to finish first in the event, which he says he only trained two days for.

Spectators were moved to tears as Putin danced to a special arrangement of Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

In addition, it was reported that Putin, unhappy with the luge sled designed by Russian engineers, went online prior to the games and bought a red Turbosquid luge sled, emblazoned with the nickname Pootie-Poot, a name given him by former US President, George W. Bush.

Speaking in his native tongue through an interpreter, Putin had this to say:

"I knew Russia didn't stand a chance in this competition, and I wanted desperately to make sure we won a gold medal, and we did. Was it hard? Oh yes, but I knew if anyone could do it, it was I (or me?). I'm not sure."

Putin, shirtless, and wearing double-insulated snow pants, bit into his gold medal to make sure it was real, and then gave a congratulatory wave of the hand to the winners of the silver and bronze medals while simultaneously showing them his biceps.

Later, when asked what inspired him to achieve such lofty goals, Putin simply said "my special parts are important to me and I want to show them off."

The translator, the same person who was hired to translate the entire Nelson Mandela Memorial Ceremony earlier this year, left the Olympic arena before realizing he didn't speak Russian.

Rumors are circulating that the particular event Putin and the other competitors competed in is not a real event, but one made up by Putin to show off his shot putting, ice dancing, and sledding prowess. When confronted with their concerns, Putin threatened to pull Russia out of the competition.

To clarify further, the President threatened not only to pull Russian competitors out of the Olympics, but to also move the Olympics to another country altogether.

Obviously, the Olympic Committee members decided to let the gold medal stand, and so far, this is the only gold medal the Russians have won. Putin has announced that he is considering entering other competitions to make sure the Russians win the most medals of the Olympics, but he would not give any further information on this.

Last seen, President Putin was perched atop the men's downhill snowboard track, his dog, Koni, a black Lab, between his feet, and practicing for the man/man's best friend, downhill slalom, borscht cook-off race scheduled for next Tuesday.

Some may remember President Putin from the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow, where he won a now infamous pole vault event where he leaped 20 feet into the air from atop a horse to win the 5-man, 3-horse pole vault event. He won not only the gold for that event, but revived the name Vlad the Impaler, for embedding the pole vault so deeply in the ground, it appears as a monument to his strength to this day.

Steroid Use Gets Satirist Banned from Covering 2012 Olympics

Johnny B. Rotten, a writer who makes his living making fun of the people who make the world an interesting place to live, has officially been banned from covering the 2012 Olympic Games in London. Rotten is accused of illegal use of steroids while penning some articles leading up to the games.


“He is completely out of his mind when he’s on steroids,” claims one writer who, before now, had nothing but the utmost respect for one of the best satirists in America. 


“His sense of humor is spot on,” said Weldon Moron, a writer for the online magazine Laughin’ Times. “There is no one I know who can squeeze the irony out of a situation like Johnny can, but when he’s on the juice, watch out. No one in his path is safe from the slings and arrows he slings, or whatever--you know what I mean.”


Among the more egregious things Rotten wrote to get himself banned from writing satire on the Olympics are:


Calling the entire women’s volleyball team a bunch of used up beach sluts, a move Rotten himself admits was totally unnecessary and not all that funny now that he looks back on the story; and


Bringing back the entire Michael Phelps bong controversy, a story which Rotten believes isn’t all that ironic anyway considering how many other satirists have done the same thing while not even under the influence of steroids. 


“Hey,” claims Rotten, “I write satire. What kind of writer would I be if I let these stupid lapses in judgment just slide?”


Still, when asked if he thought it was worth a few chuckles to get himself banned, Rotten answered, “Absolutely. Just about anything in my line of work is fair game. But,” he added, “I forgot that those idiots on the Olympic Committee don’t have a sense of humor. That, and the steroids is what tripped me up big time.”


This isn’t Rotten’s first run in with covering sporting events and being denied a press pass due to steroids. 


“I’m the one who put the bug in Roseanne’s ear to spit and scratch herself at the end of singing the National Anthem back in the 90’s. What a great bit of satire that was,” said Rotten, chuckling. 


“Too bad the people watching it didn’t see it the way me and Rosie did.” [It was later revealed that both Rotten and Roseanne were high on steroids when developing the National Anthem bit.] 


“Actually, still makes me laugh when I see it, but again, those sports people just aren’t endowed with much of a sense of humor.” [Note to self—do story on poorly endowed sports figures].


Rotten has filed an appeal with the Olympic Board, but is doubtful a decision will be handed down before the end of the Olympics. In the meantime, he says he’ll go back to LA and write crap for Celebitchy and Perez Hilton’s Blog.  


“Sure, it’s the bottom of the heap, but those people at least have a sense of humor and don’t care how the hell I come up with my material or what I’m on when I’m writing it as long as I make a deadline.”

Commoners Tell Romneys ‘Screw You and the Dressage Horse You Rode in On’

While the financially elite in London are said to be looking forward to showing Mitt and Ann Romney a jolly good time in London this week, the majority of ordinary Londoners would be just as happy to see the Romneys go elsewhere for what is deceptively being billed as ‘Mitt Romney’s first foreign tour of his candidacy.”


“Screw ‘em and the dressage ‘orse they rode in on,” said Edna Swanscot, a volunteer at the London Olympics, who is primarily in charge of mucking the horse stalls, including the one where Ann Romney’s horse, Refalca, will be stabled during the dressage event. 


“Betcha I ain’t gonna get to shake ‘ands with that rotter and ‘e’s wife, even if I clean me ‘ands on me apron first,” she said.


Swanscot’s husband, Earl, agreed “Thems ain’t ‘ere to rub elbows with the likes of us, I’ll say that much. Rather, the wifey’s ‘ere to show off ‘er fancy ‘orse, and ‘er ‘usband’s ‘ere to meet up widdem scoundrels wots from them crooked banks, ‘e is.”


Anticipating the next question, Earl then concluded “Yeah, I realize I ain’t pronouncing my effin’ aiches. It’s you Americans ‘oo want the ‘ole British reality thing, now innit?”