Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics

It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave.

"He says he's sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he was President today, he would never have let his wealthy friends convince him of such a stupid policy in the first place," says Lucy Landers, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Landers was taking part in a White House tour with her 7th graders when she felt an icy spirit haunted by his own policies approach her.

"I felt as if I was transported back in time to the 80s; the 1980s to be exact. I knew I was face-to-face with the Gipper, because he kept expecting me to recognize his characters from movies, but I've never seen anything he was in.

"He told me the message he'd tried desperately to get through to our side since his death," said the teacher.

"Of course, I immediately asked him, 'why now?' and he said the gatekeepers up there won't let him pass into higher realms until he fixes what he messed up. Says he keeps trying to fix it, but all they ever do down here is misquote him and blame him for stuff he didn't do. He said it is driving him nuts. And eternity is a long time to be driven nuts."

Independent reports confirm multiple sightings of the deceased President since his 2004 demise, but witnesses chalked it up to an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, or a crumb of cheese. Others described it as having taken place following "a night out with lobbyists, so [he] was still pretty high at the time."

When asked if she could state verbatim what the ghost of Reagan said, she gave us this:

"He said, 'I really let the American people down. My economic plan was written by and for the wealthy, and haunting America's wasteland today, I can see how wrong it was, and I'm sorry for that."

Miss Landers then said Reagan's message got a bit garbled.

" He said something about garbanzo beans and monkeys, blah, blah, blah, 'did it for all the wrong reasons,'  blah, blah, blah...is the best I can remember of what he said," claims Landers.

As the story broke, MSNBC News commentator, Chris Matthews was quick to call it a lie.

"I've met with the ghost of Reagan many times at the White House, and, contrary to popular belief, especially the belief of many of my book critics, [Matthews had a new book out this past Christmas entitled Tip and the Gipper], all he ever told me was..wait I've got it right here in my notes, hang on a sec...here it is and Reagan said...'quit following me around you little O'Neill stoolie, or I'll punch you right in the...', wait, wait," said Matthews, "that's not what he said, I swear."

Chris Matthews Goes Nuts Over Democrat Announcement

The Democratic Party has been overwhelmed with the success of its National Convention in Charlotte, NC this week. In fact, reports have it even some Republicans are trying to get in on the Hope and Change train after watching President Clinton give a rousing speech in favor of re-electing President Obama.

“It’s a success beyond our wildest dreams,” gushed Debbie Wasserman Schultz as she was caught rushing off to her hotel room in hopes of a good night’s sleep ahead of Thursday’s events.

“Before I let you go, though,” said Schultz, “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. We are making plans right now to hold mini-conventions in all the swing states every week leading up to the election.”

When Chris Matthews of MSNBC caught wind of the plans, he was said to be giddy with joy.

“Ooh, I hope they keep up the attack,” he said. “I’ve never seen the Democrats so fired up,” he marveled. “It’s like they took my advice and ran with it,” said Matthews appearing to take credit for the Democrats actually “growing a spine.”

Matthews’ best moment came a night earlier when, at the end of Gov. Deval Patrick’s speech, the news anchor was caught on camera appearing to do a fake swoon and then jumping up out of his seat.

“Tonight, Gov. Deval Patrick (D-Mass) hit it out of the park,” screamed Matthews, jabbing his fists like a boxer and asking someone to queue the Rocky theme.

Because the plan has just been hatched, Schultz was short on details. She would say that people will be lined up around the block to participate.

“We won’t have as many recognized politicians to speak at the these events,” said Schultz, “But we will have more of the same schoolteachers, nuns, former Bain Capital employees, and women not the least bit embarrassed to talk about their uteruses, telling their stories about how really important it is to re-elect President Obama.”

Asked how he will keep up with the schedule, Matthews replied “Don’t you worry about me. You just keep ‘em comin’ and I’ll find a way,” as he took another shot of Red Bull in his MSNBC mug before asking his guests for a group hug.