The EPA today reported that they have started the process
of declaring the White House a toxic waste site under its Superfund program.
Unofficially designating it the Trump Dump, the EPA
claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country
due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental
departments.
"The environment at the White House is highly toxic,
and we aren't sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its
previous splendor," said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his
assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny's.
Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by
liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President's staff more than a
little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held
belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he
has enough dirt on the President that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.
Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity
problem. The close quarters in which each of the President's advisors have their
offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a
bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one
source, likening the smells emanating from the men's room to everything from a dead
skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.
Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste
site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President
may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency
from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House
. The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are
some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination
is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New
York.
Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the
President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business
going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness
reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the
White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs
residence of the President.
When asked if there were alternative plans besides
declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, "No,
not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point," but
said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including
leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the
damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested
that may be the only way to save the White House.
Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the
President tweeted "EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I
didn't? Won't sleep with me. Sad."
