Tweezers and Magnified Mirrors Selling Fast as Depilatory Cream Ban Hits America

Mildred Schrumshruft

A ban on all depilatory creams in America has aging women scrambling to find alternatives for getting rid of unsightly hair on their chins and necks.

Pharmacies are finding it hard to keep tweezers and magnified mirrors in stock.

“It’s been a madhouse ever since Tuesday when the ban on depilatory creams was announced by the FDA,” said Mildred Thompkins, assistant pharmacy director at a local drug store.

“These women are genuinely concerned and rightly so, I might add,” said the 58-year old Thompkins, who has a bit of a whisker problem herself. Mildred also admits to buying up the entire supply of tweezers at her store in order to sell them on e-bay for a hefty mark-up.

“Come another week or so,” said Mildred” and these suckers are gonna be worth their weight in gold.”

Two elderly ladies from in southwest Texas, who flat out refused to be identified, said they were contemplating driving south of the border to buy their depilatory creams in Mexico.

“Drug war, schmug war,” said one of the women. “Tweezers and magnified mirrors are ok for the younger gals, but when you hit 80, you need the cream. If I don’t get some soon, they’re gonna start letting me play poker with the fellas on Thursday nights.”