How to Tell if Your Neighbor Drinks Too Much

Originally Posted 6/29/09

I am sure we've all run across a neighbor or two in our lifetime that just could not say no to a drink. Every neighborhood has at least one “Otis” of Mayberry fame, who goes through life thinking everyone else is the one with the problem. If you think you might have a neighbor with a drinking problem, but you're just not that sure, here are a few signs you can look for in determining whether or not to keep your stash of favorite beer inside your house instead of in the garage refrigerator.

Signs that your neighbor may drink too much:

You’re starting to hear “hey, you got any beer?” in your sleep.

He just put in a new swimming pool, paid for entirely from proceeds of his recycled aluminum cans.

He thinks a boozehound is a breed of dog.

He filed a lawsuit against the local restaurant for discrimination for sending him a coupon for free food, that excluded alcoholic beverages.

The local beer distributor makes regular stops to his home.

One day his wife rearranged the furniture while he was out, and he thought they'd moved.

Every time you try to tell him about the 12-step program, he tells you he can’t even learn the two-step.

He borrows your rider mower, and you later see it parked at the local bar.

He quotes Homer Simpson.

The waste department sends out a special recycling truck every week just to handle his empties.

Every time someone tells him he needs to go to AA, he claims he’s not a member.

He drives a late model Schwinn.

When introducing himself, he says, “Hi, my name’s Scooter, but everyone calls me Bud.”

He’s the only guy at a picnic who can use his belly as a tray table.

He constantly brags about the money he saves “watering the bushes.”

He thinks getting ahead means pouring his beer into a glass very, very fast.

The local Mini-Mart has been re-named “Bud’s” in honor of his patronage.

And…You need a million proofs of purchase to get one Budweiser outdoor awning. He’s got 5.

So, if after reading this list you still aren’t sure if your neighbor is a tippler, sit outside on the front lawn some evening with your wife and a little cooler of beer and see how many seconds it takes for him to walk on up and ask “hey, ya got any more beer?”