Fruitcake--Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.”

“After about three or four days in them dumpsters, the smell of alcohol was overwhelming,” he said. “I got to thinking that if there’s that much alcohol in that stuff, I wonder if I could squeeze enough fuel out of it to run my lawnmower.” Hadnough admitted that he comes from a long line of Ozark moonshiners and this was just a natural progression for him.

He piled a bunch of the fruitcakes in the bed of his pickup and brought them back home and he’s never looked back. “That was 2 years ago, and I’ve made enough energy to power my lawnmower, my truck, and a 3500 Watt portable generator. The power companies can kiss my ass.”

Asked what he’ll do if companies stop making fruitcake, he answered “hell, that stuff has been around longer than dirt; they’ll keep making it and people will keep buying it, re-gifting it, and then throwing it away. It’s a holiday tradition. I got everyone in town bringing me their used fruitcakes. In fact, one neighbor had fruitcake in her pantry from 1973 on up,” he said. “Gotta love them hoarders.”

The only problem he has is his sister Bertha and her two daughters, Nadine and Earline. They love fruitcake and he’s got to store it before they get to his house for a visit cause they can go through it pretty fast and the energy they create from the stuff themselves, well “let’s just say I could power the generator for a day or two just from Nadine,” he chuckled.

Hadnough is searching for financial backers to fine-tune the crude fruitcake still he developed, and he’s possibly thinking of mass producing the stills for other folks who’ve had enough of high energy prices. “With this here still, err ‘compact combustible fuel extractor’ and about 1,000 fruitcakes a week, I can run my refrigerator and my hot water heater, and the TV just about every day of the week. If I need to run the washer, I just throw a few more fruitcakes in the still and in about 14 hours I’ve got clean, pure Claxtogas (named for the famous Claxton Fruitcake Co.)

When asked if this is all he’s working on, Hadnough answered “hell no. I got an idea of pressing used fruitcakes into compressed logs to use in fireplaces,” he said smiling. “There’s so much of this stuff out there, it’ll take me years to go through what I already have stockpiled and another Christmas is just around the corner.”

The Solar Tsunami Headed Toward Earth What NASA Isn’t Saying

From Astronomy Daily:

Hold onto your Ass-teroids folks.

While NASA was trying to get our attention by telling us a Solar Tsunami is nothing to worry about and would only be responsible for bringing the Aurora Borealis further south for viewing, the very fact that the term tsunami was being used should have tipped us off that this was no ordinary magnetic field headed our way. We saw the effects of the tsunami that hit Indonesia and it was not all pink and green ribbons of light. It was death and destruction. If you’re going to use a word like tsunami, you better be ready to back it up with facts, which NASA unfortunately could not.

A tip off that something bigger than just a pretty light show in the night sky is that NASA is putting off repairs of the space station until Friday. Hmmm, wonder why? Is that a wait-and-see attitude? Why spend the money on the space station if there was a chance of it being obliterated Wednesday morning? Hmmm? Just a hunch.

All NASA would say is that a larger than normal solar flare was spotted on the surface of the Sun and it was headed toward Earth and was expected to reach us by early in the morning on August 4^th. If you are one of those people who wait until the Vernal Equinox in spring to stand an egg on its head, then you were probably that much more interested in this event.

Just what the flare would produce, remained a mystery. The most anyone could say is that it would produce green and pink ribbons across the sky and be visible to anyone living in the northernmost part of the country as long as they aren’t in a highly-lit area. However, if you’ve been fortunate enough to see NASA’s photographs of the flare, what it looked like was a giant fiery door that was headed our way, and our imagination tells us that anything or anyone that may have passed through it, if they did not get burned beyond recognition, would have witnessed one of the most amazing things in their lifetime, that and your cell phones and iPods and other electronic devices were expected to be on the blink temporarily as the doorway reached our atmosphere.

So, whether you were bold enough to stand outdoors in the wee hours of the morning of August 4^th hoping to catch a glimpse of this solar tsunami, or you decided to cower under your bed and hope to hell our imaginations were wrong, either way, it came and went, and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it now. But we are still scratching our heads and saying “what if?”

Next week, we’ll discuss that errant asteroid that’s been headed our way for decades.

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.