Bernard Madoff Has Taken Up Writing Poetry in Prison

Bernard “Bernie” Madoff, the mastermind of the largest Ponzi scheme in US History, is now well into his fourth year at Butner Medium Security Prison in Butner, North Carolina. As many will recall, Madoff made off with billions of dollars taken from thousands of clients who trusted him to invest their money in various fake accounts. This resulted in some people losing everything they had.

His “clientele” included the rich just as well as the poor slobs who slaved away and socked some money into retirement accounts—he was not choosy as to whom he flim-flammed. As a result, he was sentenced to 150 years in prison.

For the first couple of years, he tried his old tricks with his inmates, swindling their cigarette and tattoo money out of them by promising to hook them up with outside brokers to “get in” on the penny stock market. Unfortunately, one of the inmates who could read found out that Bernie’s sentence included a restraining order whereby Madoff could not come within 10 feet of anyone and their money, and he (Madoff) escaped narrowly with his life. This pretty much led to self-confinement to his cell 24/7, with time out for meals.

With nothing else to do with his time, Madoff scored a counterfeit Mont Blanc fountain pen and took up writing poetry. His prose has become a hit with the prison staff as well as with his bunk mate, William O’Henry.

“His stuff is good,” said O’Henry when asked if Madoff had any talent writing poetry. “When he reads it to me, I sometimes get all tingly, like I could easily fall in love with him almost.” For this reason, much of Madoff’s works have gone unread.

Evidently, Madoff is writing sonnets to rap songs. In fact, he has sold a couple of raps to prisoners who dream of becoming contestants on America’s Got Talent once they’ve served their time. Another of his “clients” has commissioned Madoff to write a good old-fashioned country song, which Madoff admits is a bit out of his realm of life experience, but is willing to give it a shot.

But flowery poems seem to be his niche as you can see by reading one of his favorites about life behind prison bars:

For me there is only desperation

as I sit in isolation.

Within these four walls,

the only consolation is

knowing I can trade the convicts

for an occasional can of shaving cream.

I sit and I dream of the day I am free

and back on Wall Street

doing what I do best,

Taking for myself and screwing the rest.

While the words intimate that Madoff doesn’t seem to show any remorse for his dastardly deeds, he certainly does show a great rhyming skill. And, if all goes well, he’s even considering putting his poems in book form and calling it “Life in Prison: A Book of Sonnets,” by Bernard “Shaw” Madoff.

Detroit to be Bulldozed and Re-Built as World’s Largest Mall

This is a re-post from an earlier date in 2010. Seems Detroit could never get its act together.

Detroit, MI – In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.”

“We are really excited to finally have a solid future mapped out for our great city,” exclaimed Mayor Dave Bing. “For years we’ve been floundering and the troubles of the city have taken it over. I was elated when a group of businessmen from Goldman Sachs approached us and offered to buy the entire city for almost a quarter what it was worth. It was a great deal.”

When asked what will happen to the million or so hold-out residents who still call Detroit home, a Goldman Sachs spokesperson had this to say, “Oh, we’re just buying the inner city, not the entire Detroit metro area. Those living in the area to be razed will either need to move to outlying areas and stick it out until the thousands of minimum-wage mall jobs become available, or move onto other troubled cities like Chicago and NY, I guess.”

Said the mastermind behind the mall, Dave Munny, founder of I. Gotz Munny, “We have big plans for saving Motown. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however way you look at it, we can’t be everything to everyone. Honestly, when these folks see there are real stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy’s and Saks selling real expensive and nice stuff on the very soil where they once barely made a life for themselves, I think they’ll honestly thank us for making the city lighter and brighter. I also think that if they eventually find jobs, they’ll be able to come home to shop. That is our biggest hope--that folks will come back to Detroit in droves—to shop.”

Plans for the Motown Mega Mall include a 45 square mile new car auto mall adjacent to the shopping mall where all makes and models of GM and Ford cars will be sold. Said Munny, “we thought it appropriate to have a car lot on the site as a reminder to the great citizens of Detroit of what this city once stood for. It’s the least we could do.”

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m.

Eyewitness reports say the gang has equipped its scooters with little black flags emblazoned with the skull and crossbones design and their name, the 7 T’s. While no one has been able to pin down a member of the gang to ask where the name came from, word in local assisted living facilities is that the original seven members of the gang all had first names or nicknames starting with the letter “T” such as Throttle, T-bone and Tats.

The only other criteria for getting into the gang according to anonymous tipsters is that you must be at least 70 years old, own a relatively new personal scooter that can do at least 10 mph and the guts to run down youngsters wearing funny Disney hats. Evidently, the thrill for this gang is seeing young kids in Mickey ears cry when they are forced to drop their Shamu ice cream sticks on the ground.

The Orlando area police departments are asking all residents in the area to be on the lookout for these “Hells Angels Has Beens” as one poster calls them. Meanwhile, retired cops from New York who make their winter home in Orlando have been called in to help round up the gang and bring them to justice. One NY snowbird, a former desk sergeant from Brooklyn named Wayne McDuffy, said this about tracking down the gang, “Weah gonna find deez Joisey jagoffs, awright, if it’s da last ting we do,” and added “So waddah you lookin at?”