Detroit to be Bulldozed and Re-Built as World’s Largest Mall

This is a re-post from an earlier date in 2010. Seems Detroit could never get its act together.

Detroit, MI – In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.”

“We are really excited to finally have a solid future mapped out for our great city,” exclaimed Mayor Dave Bing. “For years we’ve been floundering and the troubles of the city have taken it over. I was elated when a group of businessmen from Goldman Sachs approached us and offered to buy the entire city for almost a quarter what it was worth. It was a great deal.”

When asked what will happen to the million or so hold-out residents who still call Detroit home, a Goldman Sachs spokesperson had this to say, “Oh, we’re just buying the inner city, not the entire Detroit metro area. Those living in the area to be razed will either need to move to outlying areas and stick it out until the thousands of minimum-wage mall jobs become available, or move onto other troubled cities like Chicago and NY, I guess.”

Said the mastermind behind the mall, Dave Munny, founder of I. Gotz Munny, “We have big plans for saving Motown. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however way you look at it, we can’t be everything to everyone. Honestly, when these folks see there are real stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy’s and Saks selling real expensive and nice stuff on the very soil where they once barely made a life for themselves, I think they’ll honestly thank us for making the city lighter and brighter. I also think that if they eventually find jobs, they’ll be able to come home to shop. That is our biggest hope--that folks will come back to Detroit in droves—to shop.”

Plans for the Motown Mega Mall include a 45 square mile new car auto mall adjacent to the shopping mall where all makes and models of GM and Ford cars will be sold. Said Munny, “we thought it appropriate to have a car lot on the site as a reminder to the great citizens of Detroit of what this city once stood for. It’s the least we could do.”

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m.

Eyewitness reports say the gang has equipped its scooters with little black flags emblazoned with the skull and crossbones design and their name, the 7 T’s. While no one has been able to pin down a member of the gang to ask where the name came from, word in local assisted living facilities is that the original seven members of the gang all had first names or nicknames starting with the letter “T” such as Throttle, T-bone and Tats.

The only other criteria for getting into the gang according to anonymous tipsters is that you must be at least 70 years old, own a relatively new personal scooter that can do at least 10 mph and the guts to run down youngsters wearing funny Disney hats. Evidently, the thrill for this gang is seeing young kids in Mickey ears cry when they are forced to drop their Shamu ice cream sticks on the ground.

The Orlando area police departments are asking all residents in the area to be on the lookout for these “Hells Angels Has Beens” as one poster calls them. Meanwhile, retired cops from New York who make their winter home in Orlando have been called in to help round up the gang and bring them to justice. One NY snowbird, a former desk sergeant from Brooklyn named Wayne McDuffy, said this about tracking down the gang, “Weah gonna find deez Joisey jagoffs, awright, if it’s da last ting we do,” and added “So waddah you lookin at?”

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler.

It is for this reason that Si’s booted his personal assistant off the set this past season when she, obviously unaware of the history behind the tumbler, decided to scrub the tea tumbler clean while Si was taking a nap on the set one day. Some say this was one of the worst outbursts of the season and Uncle Si literally had his assistant, Sally Morris, in tears before telling her to get her pitiful butt off the set and don’t come back.

“I honestly, to this day, do not know what I did wrong,” said Sally. “I cleaned a cup that everyone on the show complained about. It looked gnarly, and it needed a good scrubbing and I thought I’d help the old guy out by getting it all cleaned up.”

“The patina!” Si could be heard yelling over the scene being shot, said Si’s nephew, Willie Robertson. “The patina! Do you know how long it takes to build up a tea patina?”

Still groggy from his nap, Si appeared to have tears coming from his eyes as he held up the newly cleaned tumbler. 

“Sweet tea just don’t taste the same ‘less you got you some patina to give it flavor,” he yelled at Sally.

“You dumb little city girls don’t know the first thing about ‘Nam, memories, patina or sweet tea,” he said as he called for the producer to boot her “city girl butt” off the show.

Rumors have it that without Si’s cup, there may not be another season of Duck Dynasty, or at least there may not be an Uncle Si, which, of course, means much of the meat of the show will have been removed.

So what to do? Offers to get Si another assistant to do nothing but pour sweet tea into the tumbler, leave it sit in the sun for hours and then replace it over and over again to build up a new patina have met with grumpy silence. For sure, the mistake Ms. Morris made is sure to cost the network some serious money and they aren’t happy about it.

“If we can get the patina, as he calls it, back before next season,” said assistant producer Fetch Mesome, then we have a chance of Uncle Si returning to normal. For now, we’re left with one dejected and tea-deprived character, who has taken up drinking day-old sweet tea from the local 7-Eleven.”

“Day-old tea don’t taste near as good as my patina tea,” said Si when asked for one final comment.

Meanwhile, in other Duck Dynasty news, the local Christian network in West Monroe, LA, where Duck Commander is located, are up in arms about a new nickname the show has developed. 

“They’re now calling it ‘Double-D’ which, as we all know also refers to a popular size of bra among the heathens in this town,” said Tim “Tiny” Tucker, pastor at the local Love Thy Neighbor House of the Lord in West Monroe. 

Protesters have arrived at the Duck Commander outpost to demand that the Robertsons change the name of the show, Duck Dynasty, to anything other than its current name. So far, Duck Empire is coming up as a suitable replacement, but A & E refuses to cow tow to a small group of religious fanatics who, as they put it “seem awfully acquainted with the use of the words “Double D” and what it connotes.

More Duck Dynasty or Double D news as we get it.