Satan Tired of Being Blamed for Internet Porn-Related Scandals

Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. “I mean, for Christ’s sake, no pun intended, do you honestly think I waste my time on such piddly matters as this? I’ve got my hands full with deadly disasters like tornados and earthquakes. Seriously,” he continued, “hurricane season has just started. I’m full up man.”

Sarah Palin Totally Baffled on New England History Tour

As Sarah Palin wound down her One Nation tour of New England, one thing was abundantly clear to all who came in contact with her. She needed a lesson or two in the history department.

From the Liberty Bell to the Statue of Liberty, Sarah Palin uttered the same phrase over and over again—“I did not know that,” leaving some to wonder if this trip she was taking was a way to get her up to speed on American History in case she does make up her mind to run for President.

Female Soccer Fans Experiencing Diego Forlan Withdrawal Pains

Ed. Note: With the news that Diego Forlan is happy playing for the Spanish team, Atletico Madrid, and won't be sold to another team, I thought I'd reprise this story I wrote during the last World Cup instead of trying to write another story which might possibly expose my limited knowledge about all things international soccer. I just think Diego Forlan is cute.

“Diego Forlan--Ohhhh he’s so dreamy,” read the headlines of the front-page story in the Miami Herald weeks ago when Diego Forlan first caught the attention of women soccer fans worldwide. According to the story, this sentiment was echoed all over the world as female soccer fans tuned into the World Cup just to catch a glimpse of Forlan, lead striker for the Uruguayan team, strut across the soccer field like a Greek athlete, nay God. The headline now reads “World Cup Over. No More Chances to Watch Diego Forlan on Television. Women Weep Uncontrollably.”

After news broke that Forlan was chosen as the top player of the World Cup, women everywhere took it as a good news/bad news scenario. Said Rosita Rosana Hernando Discreeto from her Miami bedroom, from which she hasn’t emerged since realizing the Cup was over and there were no more chances to see Forlan play ball unless she subscribed to the International Channels on Sky TV which are so totally overpriced as to make her think it would be cheaper just to catch a flight to Montevideo and stalk her favorite player, “Dees ees so steenkeen’ unfair ju know? I was like all up in my TV watching Diego, fantasizing about our life together and having his cheeldren, and then he does thees to me. Steenkeen’ men, who needs them, ju know? But at least I’m glad he won that Golden Ball award, but why just one golden ball? He deserved two.”

Rosita’s husband, Juan has tried everything to get Rosita out of the bedroom, “but she just sits there on the bed playing the vuvuzela I bought for her at the Dollar General and singing Spanish love songs to herself,” said Juan.

“Get out of my room, Juan, can’t you see I am greeveeng over the loss of my only true love I’ve ever known?” screamed Rosita, as she sobbed into the body pillow she so aptly nicknamed “Diego.”