Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a
big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for
well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout
of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.
A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader
face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant
to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un
wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm
sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps
him awake.
The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to
keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking
the nickname Beloved Leader has not
convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.
Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to
the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is
an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that
simply isn't true.
"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the
supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to
his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.
In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his
feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and
mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.
"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my
father, Glorious General, Who Descended
from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before
having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything
remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most
holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.
Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his
personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in
hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in
North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's
ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.
Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could
only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to
helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of
his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a
mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever
since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the
tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.
While his father went by many nicknames, some of which
included Mastermind of the Revolution,
Superior Person, and Brilliant
Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling,
or even Supreme Chalupa, it would
suit him just fine.
If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise
program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to
mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be
known collectively not as the Deluded
Masses, but the Toned and Trim
Deluded Masses.
1. Man, I didn’t see that coming.
