Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”