Cheney Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II’ Flies off Bookstore Shelves

Contributed by RFreed

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography 'Mein Kampf II.' Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book, Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: "It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!"

Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Before launching into his political career, Cheney describes the difficulties of raising children, albeit daughters, in our modern world. "I screwed a whole nation, but ended up with only daughters,” says Cheney. “Thankfully, whether I want to admit it or not, one of those daughters had the audacity to buck societal trends and give her dear old dad the son he never had.”

On the hardships of learning the political craft, Cheney says, "Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher, and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent."

And, on the difficulties of holding office, he writes "It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Haliburton contracts. I lost a majority of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time."

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. "I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks, or the cool 30 million that ended up making from it."

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides, "Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme! To my way of thinking, we could have made so much more just destroying and rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure alone. It was a total waste of my talents."