Charlie Sheen Gets Act Together as Apocalypse Nears

A fear of the devil and not being caught up in the rapture is evidently behind Charlie Sheen’s miraculous recovery from a life that had him headed on a path straight to hell.

“I woke up one morning and realized that there were only 434 days left until the end of the world, and I got so scared,” said Sheen while waiting in his dentist’s office. Asked how he knew the exact number of days before the apocalypse, Sheen responded, “Just because I am drug-free doesn’t mean I don’t have super-human powers.”

Sheen has even convinced his ex-wife, Denise Richards, to go in halvsies with him on a survival condo built inside an abandoned missile silo at an undisclosed location in the State of Idaho. “We’ve put a deposit down on a three-floor condominium complete with swimming pool, theater, four bedrooms and a maid’s quarters,” said Sheen as he awaited titanium tooth implants.

“With these titanium implants in my mouth,” Sheen said, “I will be able to communicate telepathically with anyone topside who might survive the apocalypse, although the chances of that happening are pretty rare,” said a reflective Sheen.

Sheen’s father, actor Martin Sheen, claims he is very proud of his son for finally understanding the apocalypse is a real threat and getting his act together. “Sure, he still talks like he’s high as a kite, but the drug tests keep coming back negative, and that’s all I really care about.”