Pissed off Pope Issues Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Mandate to Media

Breaking news out of Vatican City has the Pope at the very core of the sex abuse scandal that is rocking the Roman Catholic Church, and the Pope is none too pleased about the fact that he can do little to quell the suspicions.

Evidently, writing a stern letter to the church leaders in Ireland and Germany and having that act reported on by the press was just not enough to call off the newshounds, and now, bigger and better stories seem to be hitting the wires almost continually.

In an effort to stop the “nonsense,” as he calls it, Pope Benedict has issued an official mandate from the Vatican to media outlets all over the world imploring them “don’t ask, don’t tell” anything with regards to the sex scandal, until the situation has had time to simmer down.

“Obviously,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “this is a private Church matter that can only be dealt with internally without the eyes of the world watching. As in the past, you can count on the Pope to do the right thing.”