Counter-Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it.

Michael Savage, no relation to Michael Savage, the biter, was arrested on charges of assault and cannibalism and was being held in the Los Angeles County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. When asked why he did it, Savage replied “He (Langes) was wagging his finger in my face as I was yelling at him to bite me. In the heat of the moment, my teeth caught his finger and I bit it off unintentionally.” He added, “Ironic, huh?”

A background check conducted on Savage uncovered that this isn’t the first time he’s consumed human flesh. According to a 1988 police report filed in Carnestoga, MD, Savage was accused of taking a bite out of his girlfriend’s neck about the size of a quarter. Although he claims that incident was also an accident (Savage claims it was a love bite gone horribly wrong), he was found guilty of domestic violence and cannibalism and sentenced to 30 days in County Jail.

The victim of Wednesday’s biting incident claims that had he known he was wagging fresh meat in the face of a cannibal, he would have backed off and kept his hands in his pockets. It is possible that the meal Mr. Langes consumed prior to attending the local march could have had something to do with the incident as well. “I had a plate of the most succulent ribs you’ll ever taste just about a half hour before joining in the march. Obviously, I didn’t clean my hands well enough before leaving the restaurant and the cannibal was unable to restrain himself,” said Langes.

According to Clarice Lamb, Los Angeles Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, California has a “three strikes, you’re out” policy. “If Mr. Savage is caught biting anyone else in the future, he could be looking at life in prison,”

In another bizarre twist to this incident, it was reported that due to the fact that Phil Langes did not have health insurance to cover his injuries, a Los Rabies Hospital spokesperson advised that Mr. Langes will have to receive his follow up care at County Hospital. Langes stated “This is precisely why we need nationalized health care. I get bit by some whacko and I can’t even get adequate medical follow up care.”