Tweezers and Magnified Mirrors Selling Fast as Depilatory Cream Ban Hits America

Mildred Schrumshruft

A ban on all depilatory creams in America has aging women scrambling to find alternatives for getting rid of unsightly hair on their chins and necks.

Pharmacies are finding it hard to keep tweezers and magnified mirrors in stock.

“It’s been a madhouse ever since Tuesday when the ban on depilatory creams was announced by the FDA,” said Mildred Thompkins, assistant pharmacy director at a local drug store.

“These women are genuinely concerned and rightly so, I might add,” said the 58-year old Thompkins, who has a bit of a whisker problem herself. Mildred also admits to buying up the entire supply of tweezers at her store in order to sell them on e-bay for a hefty mark-up.

“Come another week or so,” said Mildred” and these suckers are gonna be worth their weight in gold.”

Two elderly ladies from in southwest Texas, who flat out refused to be identified, said they were contemplating driving south of the border to buy their depilatory creams in Mexico.

“Drug war, schmug war,” said one of the women. “Tweezers and magnified mirrors are ok for the younger gals, but when you hit 80, you need the cream. If I don’t get some soon, they’re gonna start letting me play poker with the fellas on Thursday nights.”

Mitt Romney Sings “Sexy and I Know It” in Shower

Hey, throw me the Head & Shoulders, will ya?

A Mitt Romney aid has just leaked some interesting news about the presidential candidate. Seems Mr. Romney’s favorite song while showering in the campaign bus these days is “Sexy and I Know It,” by LMFAO.

“He can’t seem to get the song out of his head,” said Major Harkings, one of Romney’s top aides. “I’m trying to think back when it all started, and I believe it was when Mr. Romney was posing for a photo with some waitresses in a diner back in June of last year and as the photo was being taken, he [Romney] claims he felt a hand on his bottom.”

Harkins claims that Romney has always thought of himself as a sort of ladies man, and this isn’t the first song about sex appeal Romney has been caught singing in the shower.

“Sometimes he’ll change it up a bit and sing ‘I’m Too Sexy’ or Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get it On” said Harkins.

Harkins and others in the campaign say the imagery that Romney’s latest song choice evokes is sometimes just too much to handle. So much so that it routinely clears the bus within seconds of Romney announcing his plans to take a shower.

Mitt Romney and Wife Show Up at Events Wearing Nike Galaxy Shoes

Romney says they're pretty grotesque but then
so are his $1000 pair of bright pink golfing pants

Mitt Romney is proving he’ll do just about anything to show his supporters that he is ready, willing and able to spend the money it takes to become President, and how he dresses is an important component in that.

Upon hearing that the newly released Nike Foamposite Galaxy basketball shoe is quickly becoming one of the most expensive shoes on the market, Romney had his people rush out and buy a couple of pair for himself and his wife to wear in Michigan.

Asked why he would buy basketball shoes when he clearly isn’t into sports, Romney told reporters that he doesn’t buy things necessarily for their function but more for their form. People see in me the ability to obtain things, expensive things, and they say ‘hey, wish I could have a pair of those,’ and I am instantly the person they think has things they don’t. It’s so simple really, I can’t believe I’m explaining this to you,”and then added “Ok, ok, I’ll say it a bit clearer. The shoes are expensive, I buy expensive things, ergo I’m rich.”

In a related story, shortly after Romney and his wife got off the bus in downtown Detroit, they were mobbed by several teenagers trying to get at the Nike Galaxy shoes. Secret service agents had to whisk the pair back onto the bus and take them to the suburbs where they assumed they were less likely to be attacked.